From a guy who bought his lovely wife a "pocket taser" for their
anniversary.
Last weekend, I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
To make a long story short, I bought the device and took it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! ZAP
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burned spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only AAA batteries. right?!?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, taser in the other. The directions indicated that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little
device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries)
thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side, as to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad..
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
(bleep, expletive, bleep) _!@$$!%!@*_
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body- slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three-second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-BUCK, that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
they up and get there???
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return.
Still in shock,
