Performance Evaluation

Well...We've just had a managerial shakeup at good ole Nestle USA where I work. The new plant manager has instituted a changed evaluation method for rating employees in the hope (he says) that it will pinpoint which employees need improvement in what areas. Take a gander at this and tell me what you think.


PERFORMANCE EVALUATION

NOTE: Under the Freedom of Information Act and the Federal Privacy Act of 1996
I understand that my work performance is being evaluated. I have the right to examine
and copy any documentation. I have the right to review and discuss differences in order
to resolve them. And I have the right to request amendment to and/or modification of
any document.

NAME: BARCLAY, RICK DATE OF REVIEW: 15 SEPT 2001

/* edited for content by moderator*/

KNOWLEDGE:
1. THE SON OF A BIITCH REALLY KNOWS HIS STUFF.
2. KNOWS JUST ENOUGH TO BE DANGEROUS.
3. ONLY HAS HALF A BRAIN AND IS DANGEROUS.
4. IS BRAIN DAMAGED. HIS COFFEE CUP HAS A HIGHER IQ.

ACCURACY:
1. DOES EXCELLENT WORK (IF NOT PREOCCUPIED WITH GIRLS.)
2. PRETTY GOOD; ONLY OCCAISIONALLY BLOWS IT OUT HIS ASS.
3. HAS TO TAKE SHOES OFF TO COUNT HIGHER THAN TEN.
4. COULDN’T COUNT HIS BALLS AND GET THE SAME NUMBER TWICE.

ATTITUDE:
1. EXTREMELY COOPERATIVE (KISSES ASS FREQUENTLY)
2. BROWN NOSER IN POOR STANDING.
3. OFTEN ANNOYS CO-WORKERS: THINKS IT’S HIS JOB.
4. DOESN’T GIVE A; NEVER DID AND NEVER WILL.

RELIABILITY:
1. REALLY A DEPENDABLE ****** **********
2. CAN RELY ON HIM AT EVALUATION TIME.
3. CAN RELY ON HIM TO BE THE FIRST ONE OUT THE DOOR.
4. TOTALLY WORTHLESS.

APPEARANCE:
1. EXTREMELY NEAT; COMBS ALL HAIR.
2. LOOKS GREAT AT EVALUATION TIME.
3. DIRTY, FILTHY, SMELLY SON OF A .
4. FLIES LEAVE FRESH DOGSHIIT TO FOLLOW HIM.

PERFORMANCE:
1. GOES LIKE A SON OF A ***** IF THERE’S MONEY IN IT.
2. DOES OKAY AROUND EVALUATION TIME.
3. WORKS ONLY IF KICKED IN THE ASS EVERY TWO MINUTES.
4. COULDN’T DO LESS WORK IF HE WERE IN A COMA.

LEADERSHIP:
1. CARRIES A CHAINSAW AND GETS GOOD RESULTS.
2. OCCASIONALLY IS TOLD TO GET ******.
3. MOTHER THERESA TELLS HIM TO GET ******.
4. COULDN’T LEAD A PACK OF HUNGRY WOLVES TO MEAT.

I UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE BEEN EVALUATED AND KNOW MY RIGHTS UNDER
THE PRIVACT ACT OF 1996. I FURTHER ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I AM AS MESSED
UP AS A FOOTBALL BAT AND WILL ATTEMPT TO CORRECT MY DEFICIENCIES.

SIGNATURE____________________________ DATE___________

All opinions will be carefully considered and discarded. Thanks.

rick barclay

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ROFL... that's the funniest thing I've seen in a while! I definately think it will lead to great improvements within the company.

That should earn you "Employee of the Year"! Well done you crazy soab.

::refrains mod sword::

wow... how could you possibly have so throughly avoided censorship. i applaud you just for that alone rick...

Didn't take the censors long to catch up. Oh, well...

Look for the uncensored, unedited edition at http://www.flashdaddee.com :) . It's not there now, but it will
be sometime tomorrow.

rick barclay

BIITCH - missed one!

yeah, so much for tasteful use of exagerated profanity... hehe... [technically i'm too young for this, 17, wait, i'm not sure... huh?!?]

YANK!___MER!!!

Wtf is Yank!____Mer!!! ???

::insert mod swo... [ERROR: archaic-oriented language protocols failed...]::

muahahaha...

oh, wouldn't you like to know? i can't clarify it, just like i did with my hasafraggin shignature...

ahem, Abort Retry Fail? [Ignore...]

I I I I I I!

bugger! missed that one. How about posting that again rick?
It could be a game between you and the mods, see how many people can read it before its censored!

No...that's ok. I'm starting to get carpel tunnel syndrome
from this, already.

Anyway, I just finished publishing the raw uncensored version
at flashdaddee.com. You can check it out there.

As a sidenote, I also uploaded a tutorial on 3D games programming
that's not quite complete--only up to Chapter three. I'll
work on that today also and hopefully get the whole thing
online.

Cheers.

rick barclay

haha... speaking of carpal tunnel... i'd have sworn to have it by the time i was 18, so i've got but a few months left........ and you'll all be able to witness the diagnosis of my prediliction... [yay! big wordz! hehe] :p