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View Full Version : girl friend advice (prob. the wrong place)



B0bDole
10-21-2004, 09:26 PM
just wondering, theres a lot of people here, I'm sure some married, so I could get viable advice from this board.

Question: I am 4 years older than my girlfriend, we have been dating for almost 11 months. How do I talk to her without sounding condensatin?sp? (talk down to her). usually when she gets upset about it I'm just trying to stop her from making the same mistakes I've made. Or make her feel better about something that has happened to me.
eg. She just totalled her car, and I'm trying to explain to her that is what insurance is for. Trying to get her to stop stressing about it, but she is just getting uspet with me.

Advice, advice advice. how should i talk to her, for those married and/or in a serious relationship (excluding those 16yr old hardcore programmers that haven't had a girlfriend).

::drunken post warning, I'm not sure if this makes sense, if it does, reply, if it doesn't, forgive the vodka::

Vicious
10-21-2004, 09:50 PM
Well, think about it. Your acting like a father figure. Even thought you probably arent trying to, thats how she sees it.

Just try to talk to her like you would someone older than you. Not EXACTLY, but close. If you catch yourself doing it, try to puposefully say something stupid so she can correct you, balance is a good thing :)

exluddite
10-21-2004, 10:10 PM
The less said, the better. The more you say, the more it can be misrepresented. Just listen and nod. Of course I have a bevy of exgirlfriends and one exwife at this point in my life, so I might be a wee bit more cynical. :D

Scribbler
10-21-2004, 10:34 PM
Condescending? Don't take this as criticism....just observations. Here's a couple of things that stood out in your post.


I am 4 years older than my girlfriend
This shouldn't be an issue, nor is it pertinent. Just mentioning it establishes your position with her.


I'm just trying to stop her from making the same mistakes I've made
This places you in the role of protector/superior. I think she wants to be her own person.


She just totalled her car, and I'm trying to explain to her that is what insurance is for. Trying to get her to stop stressing about it
Sometimes you gotta just let people be upset. After all, totalling your car actually IS something you're allowed to get upset over.


drunken post warning, I'm not sure if this makes sense
Definately NOT the time to reflect on relationship issues, personal shortcomings, or the unfathomable workings of the female mind.

My advice? Let her blow off steam, be there when she's ready for attention, and let her be her own person. You'll find you'll be much happier that way.

Jeremy G
10-21-2004, 10:34 PM
Try not giving advice while in a drunken stuper??

misplaced
10-21-2004, 10:48 PM
this is oh so familiar....

i agree with the father figure theory... it's exponentially worse if they don't like their father.... from my experience, my best advice to you is to keep it short if you say anything. from there all you can do is sit back, watch her fail/screw up, and laugh as quietly as you can. with my ex girlfriend i tried time and time again to tell her my life's wisdom and she never just listened to me and made the exact same mistakes i had made before. since then she has lost her car, her apartment, her job, and got screwed over by her best 'friend'. i forewarned her of all of those things and they could have been prevented if only she had given any thought to what i told her. i guess i just sounded to much like daddy..

she ended up breaking up with me because i was 'controlling'...i NEVER once told her that she could or couldn't do something.. or when to come home... if calling her to ask what time she will be home so that i can make her dinner is controlling, then i am guilty.

she told me that *every* guy she's been with has been controlling.. hmmm... sounds like someone's pressing the issue a bit... i've certainly never had this problem with other girls before. it's as bright as day that this is coming from her relationship with her dad.

...but then again, maybe it's just her...


good luck trying to help her

nvoigt
10-21-2004, 11:07 PM
Never ever offer advice or obvious solutions to her problems to any female if she has not explicitly asked for it.

It's not about age or father or something. You could be 10 years younger and have a degree in car totalling and she would still not like your advice.

It's about the way they think and feel. While offering advice to a male is helpful and the logic thing to do, it's also what we are looking for in a friendship. Males are looking for advice or suggestions, even if only to prove that their own way is the better one. Females are looking for compassion or sympathy.

In a scenario where a cupboard wasn't properly secured and fell from the wall, it's as out of place to suggest a proper construction for the cupboard to a female as it would be to cry about it with your buddy. And yes, that will mean that one day you will get a call that the cupboard crashed down for the fifth time now... but don't you dare to suggest a better method of fastening. Comfort her. That's all you can do. If she were looking for a craftsmen solution from you, she'd be asking for it.

I know that this sounds utterly stupid to us, but it works.

B0bDole
10-21-2004, 11:18 PM
I found myself falling into every sterotype involved in males being a bad boyfriend, and every post so far has made me realize this. I actually think this will help me in the way I treat my girl friend. Thank you everyone for posting, and please, keep posting.

Vicious
10-21-2004, 11:33 PM
I agree with exluddite and nvoigt also. Even if you disagree with what she is saying/doing dont try to correct her unless its something EXTREME. But chaces are you know her alot better than we do and it sounds like you really do know what you do wrong.

Sometimes we just need to hear it from other people, it makes it easier to accept our flaws.

And I have had 3 hour conversations where all I have said is "mm hmm" and "Yep". ;)

face_master
10-22-2004, 12:16 AM
>> girl friend advice

Im hope shes not a fat chick

exluddite
10-22-2004, 12:17 AM
I have had 3 hour conversations where all I have said is "mm hmm" and "Yep". ;)
Which is sometimes a good thing to do. She might just want a sounding board. So listen to what she has to say. No, listen. Put down the remote/mouse.
Give her a hug if she needs it and ask her if there is anything you can do. Only ask this question if you really give a rat's south end.
If she says no, fine. If she says no and later takes you to task for the things that you should have guessed but didn't, run. Don't walk, run.

Vicious
10-22-2004, 01:09 AM
>> run. Don't walk, run.

Hah, like godzilla but worse!

Dante Shamest
10-22-2004, 04:24 AM
"All she needs is a good humping."

- Evolution

FillYourBrain
10-22-2004, 05:53 AM
nvoigt is right on the money here (I'm afraid to say). I'm married. 7 years. Women are crazy. When they speak, they have expectations that are not the same as you or I would have. The looking for sympathy, not a solution thing is the hardest to get used to. You have to really hold back sometimes with that. Even if you know that they did something really stupid and you know the proper way, you have to keep your mouth shut about it and let them know that you feel bad for them and their unfortunate outcome.

as far as your condescending attitude goes, you had better lose that. Although they can be stupid (and sometimes that is all too clear) they also want to be able to portray us as the stupid ones. I don't know why that is, but when they all get together the common theme is how much of an oaf their boyfriend/husband is. And you should get used to that and just nod your head in agreement.

Women are crazy. get used to it or turn gay. pretty much your only choice.

ober
10-22-2004, 08:45 AM
The age thing only matters if you're in you're 20s and she isn't. If you're both over 20, the age difference is, in most cases, negligent.

My wife totalled her car 1 year ago. We've been married for 6 months on Sunday. What did I learn from that experience? Nothing you say or do will ever make it better. It can only make it worse. Keep your mouth shut and your ears open. She will calm down eventually. Honest.

abyssphobia
10-22-2004, 06:38 PM
well an option read cosmos hahaha just jocking !!!!

Well, If She loves you, She will forgive you, Tell her, but be sincere,
Don't act like her father, sometimes things happend so she has to undersatand,
I'm a girl and I don't like that my bf act like my father, maybe it works on some girls ,but it's not a fact , And if you choose her, don't treat her like I don't know how the society expects me to act, be you , It depends on your relationship, How it was, everybody is different, so I wish you luck with your gf.