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anonytmouse
05-04-2004, 04:38 AM
A supposed assignment actually turned in by two English students:

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Rebecca and Gary
English 44A
Creative Writing
Prof Miller


In-class Assignment for Wednesday


Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.


* * * * * *


At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth — when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total $*&.

Stupid %&#$!.


Courtesty snopes (http://www.snopes.com/college/homework/writing.asp).


Here's a skateboarding dog (http://uk.download.yahoo.com/ne/fu/attachments/tysonskating.wmv) instead.

khpuce
05-04-2004, 06:29 AM
WHERE'S THE REST OF THE STORY ??? :mad: I'm pretty sure its a long one and more interesting than the beginning...

ober
05-04-2004, 08:18 AM
I'm pretty sure you're an idiot for not seeing the joke. :rolleyes:

adrianxw
05-04-2004, 08:36 AM
The story is an old one, but I'd not seen the Ford advert with the cat before, just the one with the pigeon. They're quite well done I think.

The Nokia one has been around for a long time as well.

loopy
05-04-2004, 08:47 AM
The story is an old one, but I'd not seen the Ford advert with the cat before, just the one with the pigeon. They're quite well done I think.

The Nokia one has been around for a long time as well.

I don't know why, but the ford cat commercial bugs me.

DavidP
05-04-2004, 09:04 AM
dang those politicians! i didn't vote them in office so they could push through some crappy Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty!!!!

Revolution!!!!! War!!!!

lightatdawn
05-04-2004, 12:02 PM
>>I don't know why, but the ford cat commercial bugs me.

Same. And I know exactly why. Thats neither funny nor clever. Its more than a little sick. I'd remove it (as its been complained about already), but I don't think it actually breaks any rules. I appreciate the origional poster removing it of his own free will though.

The english paper was funny, but the Ford commercial immediatly ruined my ensuing good mood.

Govtcheez
05-04-2004, 12:14 PM
I think you're wrong, l@d. It is actually really funny :p

PS I'm not very fond of cats

loopy
05-04-2004, 02:12 PM
>>I don't know why, but the ford cat commercial bugs me.

Same. And I know exactly why. Thats neither funny nor clever. Its more than a little sick. I'd remove it (as its been complained about already), but I don't think it actually breaks any rules. I appreciate the origional poster removing it of his own free will though.

The english paper was funny, but the Ford commercial immediatly ruined my ensuing good mood.


Actually, I complained about it. ;)

BOT, I agree, its not funny to those people who love cats (including myself), I've seen it at other sites before, the feeling is always the same when I click a link and see the black ford. :(

UnregdRegd
05-04-2004, 04:44 PM
This is pure comic genius! This may be old, but I've never seen it before so thanks for bringing it to my attention. I loved doing that kind of writing in elementary school, but back then it was the whole class, and it never served as a proxy for mutual feelings of animosity.

whackaxe
05-05-2004, 03:18 AM
lol thats quite funny. i side with the war mongerer! who cares about some old granny who's regretting her past when you could be blowing up stuff on someone's planet?

adrianxw
05-05-2004, 06:54 AM
>>> its not funny to those people who love cats

Neither i seeing a wretched cat, fresh from scraping up all of your seedlings so it can **** in your garden, jump up onto your nice cleaned car and wander around all over it.

loopy
05-05-2004, 10:59 AM
>>> its not funny to those people who love cats

Neither i seeing a wretched cat, fresh from scraping up all of your seedlings so it can **** in your garden, jump up onto your nice cleaned car and wander around all over it.

We'll, cats arn't THAT bad, their CLEAN, at least. :confused:

major_small
05-05-2004, 11:17 AM
was it the one where the cat gets decapitated? if so, it's fake, it's funny... lighten up a bit...

adrianxw
05-05-2004, 01:41 PM
>>> where the cat gets decapitated?

Yup, it was, of course it's fake. I do think it is quite well done though.

>>> We'll, cats arn't THAT bad, their CLEAN, at least.

What??????

Coming into my garden, (not its owners), targetting my nicely prepared beds, raking out my carefully planted seedlings so it can ****, a mess I have on numerous occasions ended up inadvertently plunging my hand into whilst trying to sort it out. Then afterwards it wanders over my car, or sneaks around in my kitchen, or hides around my bird feeders...

Wow, that is exploring the edge of the term "clean".

At least a dog owner has the animal on a lead, and follows up after it with a plastic bag.

loopy
05-05-2004, 01:49 PM
>>> where the cat gets decapitated?

Yup, it was, of course it's fake. I do think it is quite well done though.

>>> We'll, cats arn't THAT bad, their CLEAN, at least.

What??????

Coming into my garden, (not its owners), targetting my nicey prepared beds, raking out my carefully planted seedlings so it can ****, a mess I have on numerous occasions ended up inadvertently plunging my hand into whilst trying to sort it out. Then afterwards it wanders over my car, or sneaks around in my kitchen, or hides around my bird feeders...

Wow, that is exploring the edge of the term "clean".

At least a dog owner has the animal on a lead, and follows up after it with a plastic bag.

And, I suppose you feel cat decapitation is the answer to the problem, I never. :confused:

ober
05-05-2004, 01:57 PM
Wow... your username fits you perfectly. Wake up. He's saying he's not the fondest of cats, not that they should all be decapitated.

loopy
05-05-2004, 02:56 PM
Wow... your username fits you perfectly. Wake up. He's saying he's not the fondest of cats, not that they should all be decapitated.

My bad, I'm just a little touchy due some problems with WIRELESS CARD DRIVERS FOR MY NEW CARD!!!!

I think it hates me.:(

BOT, sorry about getting so out-of-line everybody, I didn't mean to seem like a forum nazi. :)

anonytmouse
05-05-2004, 06:11 PM
>>We'll, cats arn't THAT bad, their CLEAN, at least<<

I've got bad news for you. Ever heard of Toxoplasma?



http://www.newscientist.com/opinion/opletters.jsp?id=ns229946
Toxoplasma is the parasite which causes toxoplasmosis, and which humans can acquire through contact with cat faeces up to 18 months old, or from meat from farm animals infected by cat faeces




http://www.biosci.ohio-state.edu/~parasite/toxoplasma.html
However, under some conditions, toxoplasmosis can cause serious pathology, including hepatitis, pneumonia, blindness, and severe neurological disorders. This is especially true in individuals whose immune systems are compromised (e.g., AIDS patients). Toxoplasmosis can also be transmitted transplacentally resulting in a spontaneous abortion, a still born, or a child that is severely handicapped mentally and/or physically.




http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/2176548.stm
Scientists warn that the parasitical disease toxoplasmosis could increase the risk of having a road accident.
People were found to be two to three times more likely to be involved in a crash than unaffected individuals.

The Czech team which carried out the research said cysts which form in the nerves and muscle tissue could reduce people's ability to concentrate.
...
Toxoplasmosis has been shown in laboratory tests to slow response times in people.
...
Writing in the journal BMC Infectious Diseases, the researchers said: "These results suggest that 'asymptomatic' acquired toxoplasmosis might in fact represent a serious and highly underestimated public health problem, as well as an economic problem."




http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-2334/2/11
http://www.jeukmic.org/abstr/int/c3/c305.html
Toxoplasma gondii, coccidian parasite whose frequency in man can reach 80% in some countries is known to influence the behaviour of its host. This is usually considered to be an evolutionary adaptation of the parasite aimed to increase the probability of its transmission from an intermediate host (any endothermic vertebrate) to the definitive host (cat) by predation. In human the latent toxoplasmosis results into the changes in personality profile as well as into the increase of reaction times measured in simple reaction time test. In modern society such behavioural changes can increase the probability that Toxoplasma-infected man fall victims of an traffic accident.




http://www.biosci.ohio-state.edu/~parasite/more_toxoplasma.html
Depending on the age of the fetus when it is infected and the virulence of the Toxoplasma, this can result in a spontaneous abortion, a still born child, or a child that is born with some degree of mental or physical retardation. Thus, women are often told to minimize contact with cats while they are pregnant, and to avoid emptying their cat's litter box. This is good advice.




http://mt.essortment.com/whatistoxoplas_rhjv.htm
Cats have a 20% to 60% infection rate with T. gondii.
...
As much as 50% of the human population in the United States and 20% to 80% of all domestic animals are infected with Toxoplasma, harboring its cyst form.
...
Transmission of oocysts present in garden soil, children's sandboxes, litter boxes, and anywhere cats may defecate can be avoided by wearing rubber gloves during contact with contaminated soil or litter. Wash your hands thoroughly after contact. Cover sandboxes to prevent cats from defecating in them. Get rid of feces from litter boxes every day, and disinfect them with scalding water or dry heat; chemical disinfection is not effective in destroying oocysts.




http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,102093,00.html
“However, they [the infected women] were also less trustworthy and had more relationships with men,” Dr. Jaroslav Flegr, who conducted the study at Charles University in Prague, told London’s Sunday Times newspaper.

Infected men, on the other hand, became more aggressive, less well-groomed, undesirable loners who were more likely to be suspicious and jealous.
...
“There is some clear evidence that people with schizophrenia have increased antibodies to toxoplasma," said E. Fuller Torrey, a research psychologist with the institute.




http://juad.neurofractal.org/comments/2002/11/18/183218/64/0/post
Fuller Torrey at the Stanley Medical Research Institute in Maryland and his team has found that schizophrenics are more likely to be cat owners, and to have latent toxoplasmosis. What's more, drugs used to relieve schizophrenia symptoms happen to harm the parasite, at least in the test-tube. Torrey believes this may be why the drugs work.

So what should we do if it turns out that significant fractions of the population are infected with a parasite that slows reactions and possibly causes serious mental health problems?

Holliman, for one, says that we would have to consider which professions we allow infected people to enter. Would we want someone with slowed reactions working as an airline pilot, for example, or driving a lorry? On the other hand, if we banned all infected people from jobs where fast reactions are important, we could lose a third of our workforce or more.




http://msnbc.msn.com/id/3540627/
For its part, the parasite Toxoplasma gondii, which can be found in undercooked meat and cat feces, can lead to full-blown psychotic episodes. Some studies suggest that the parasite stimulates the production of a chemical similar to LSD, producing hallucinations and psychosis. Even when the parasite lies dormant in muscle and brain tissue, it can affect attention span and reaction time in otherwise healthy people. Researchers at Charles University in Prague have discovered that people who test positive have slightly slower-than-average reaction times and—possibly as a result—are almost three times as likely to have car accidents. That’s a disturbing prospect, considering that the disease is so widespread: billions of people are thought to be infected.




http://news.excite.com/odd/article/id/356083%7Coddlyenough%7C09-23-2003::10:09%7Creuters.html
The illness could be responsible for up to one million of deaths on the roads worldwide, making it the one of the deadliest parasitic diseases, second only to malaria, he said.


In comparison, mad cow disease kills a few dozen people per year. Yet we kill millions of cattle to control mad cow disease outbreaks while taking no action against toxo.

Not only are people who have regular contact with cats almost certainly thriving with this potentially fatal, brain altering parasite but it can infect those who do not have regular contact with cats via cat faece contamination of the meat supply.

loopy
05-05-2004, 06:19 PM
I was...just talking about how they clean their coat often. ;)

major_small
05-05-2004, 08:41 PM
damn... so i have to stop eating undercooked meat and cat feces...

btw, here's another: http://www.933flz.com/audio/Ford,FinalBird.mpeg

adrianxw
05-06-2004, 08:11 AM
>>> just talking about how they clean their coat often.

Train one to wash my car for me and all is forgiven :p

loopy
05-06-2004, 08:36 AM
>>> just talking about how they clean their coat often.

Train one to wash my car for me and all is forgiven :p

Deal, but, only if the sunroof stays CLOSED!!! ;)

adrianxw
05-06-2004, 10:51 AM
I don't have a sunroof. I do have electric seat warmers though.

loopy
05-06-2004, 11:44 AM
I don't have a sunroof. I do have electric seat warmers though.

LOL, I don't want to know your plans for those.

ober
05-06-2004, 12:02 PM
LOL, I don't want to know your plans for those. HAHAHAHAHA LOL!!!1111

:rolleyes: I wonder if he'll use them to warm the seats.

Govtcheez
05-06-2004, 01:45 PM
Electric seat warmers always make me have to pee

major_small
05-06-2004, 08:09 PM
I always have to pee the second I get to work... or get in the shower...

loopy
05-06-2004, 09:39 PM
What about head light wipers, their the "new thing".

adrianxw
05-07-2004, 01:38 AM
>>> Electric seat warmers always make me have to pee

Mental note: Don't invite Cheez out for a drive...

I have headlight wash/wipe although I've only used it once, to see if it worked.

ober
05-07-2004, 05:48 AM
What about head light wipers, their the "new thing".They're not a new thing... they've been on luxury cars for a LONG time.

adrianxw
05-07-2004, 09:21 AM
>>> they've been on luxury cars for a LONG time.

I guess it depends where you live. In the cold North, seat warmers and headlight cleaners are more useful then air conditioning and a sun roof.

I don't really think of my car as a luxury car, and although I've only used the headlight wipers once, I've never driven the car through our winter yet. A regular item on any drive through the snow and slush was getting out to wipe the crud off the lights.

The one that gets me is "drinks holders" these things really seem to have taken the market by storm. How ridiculous! They pop up, fold down, slide out from just about everywhere in the car! Car has 5 passengers and 17 drinks holders!

major_small
05-07-2004, 09:23 AM
I used to want headlight wipers, just because they were cool... but not anymore...

what about turn signals in mirrors?

adrianxw
05-07-2004, 10:24 AM
Turn signals are to be seen, not to see by. If the snow and ice is so bad that your turn signals can't be seen, then you probably don't want to be out. Headlights on the other hand are needed to see the road ahead, thus need to be much brighter, even a small amount of road salt or other gunge from the surface of the road caked onto the headlamps is enough to seriously diminish the view ahead.

Mirrors, to be of any use, have their reflective surfaces pointing towards the driver, so ar e not being constantly bombarded with the crud, unless you are driving backwards of course.

My old car had heated mirrors which was useful, this car does not - odd that, a newer, somewhat posher car.

loopy
05-07-2004, 11:25 AM
I used to want headlight wipers, just because they were cool... but not anymore...

what about turn signals in mirrors?

Me too, something about not having snow/dust/ash dirty up the lights, I think its just so cool....