View Full Version : Stupid people should wear SIGNS

07-12-2002, 12:16 PM
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you?

You wouldn't ask them anything.
It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like when me and my roomates moved out of our last apartment. The front door was open, the living room full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in the parking lot. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"

"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."

"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"
I couldn't resist.

I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"

See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself!

I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge...here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?"

I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today?

07-12-2002, 12:19 PM
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
"Here's your sign"

07-12-2002, 12:21 PM
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
"Here's your sign"

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

07-12-2002, 12:22 PM
hahahahaha ... i needed that... :D

Do you have a couple extra signs laying around? I need to use some ;)

07-12-2002, 01:38 PM
We had a guy a while back hold up a bank with a gun. He had a mask over his head, but also ws wearing the photo ID badge of his cleaning firm which gave in addition his name and a contact number in case he faled to please.

07-12-2002, 01:46 PM
Stupid criminals are great. I remember seeing on TV about a guy who burgled a house, unfortunatley for him it was snowing and all the cops had to do was follow his footmarks to his house.
Oh man, how do these people get through life, give him a sign.

07-12-2002, 01:46 PM
LOL, Those are some hilarious stories. I cant think of any people that I have come across that need one of those signs, but they are you shouldnt leave home without them.

07-12-2002, 01:49 PM
After reading that post by C_Coder and the footprints story, I remember one, where a robber broke a window and was bleeding, and they followed the trail of blood to where he was hididng.

Another one... A bunch of guys decide to try and steal an ATM machine with a truck. They rap chains around it and they end up pulling of their bumper, which has their licsense plate on it.

07-12-2002, 01:53 PM
One guy wrote a really badly spelled robbery note on the back of a Wells Fargo deposit slip and took it into a National City and gave it to the teller. When the teller saw the spelling, she figured the guy wasn't real bright, and she said they couldn't accept it because the note was written ona Wells Fargo slip. The guy went across the street to the Wells Fargo, where the cops (called by the teller immediately, of course) were waiting.

07-12-2002, 01:57 PM
dunno if this is true but...
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
Here's your sign

07-12-2002, 02:18 PM
And speaking of robbering wannabies...

Do you watch Reality TV ?
there was a series on the most stupid criminals ever...

A guy that worked on some store, decided to rob it ...
but he knew that there were surveillance cameras at the cash register... So he comed up with the bright idea to put a parer shopping bag on his head to be incognito...
Well... the camera caught him going to the toilet ... and comming out with the bag on his head!
thats not all! he forgot to make holes on the bag for his eyes !
and made a mess out of the store!
smashing everything in his way!...
he realized that this was uncovinient and went into the closet again to make the upgrade...
After that he was equiped !
Went and took everything from the register and ran away!

They caught him... He forgot to remove his ID card from the chest!
and camera saw it!! :) :)

2 signs for those one!

07-12-2002, 02:31 PM
Idiots on the computer
Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

07-12-2002, 02:40 PM
I just remembered this encounter with an idiot.
When I left school I used to work in a hardware shop and I sold a hot water cylinder to some guy. A couple of days later he came back to complain about the cylinder, when we asked what was wrong with it he said" nothing, but it took me all day to remove the foam packing"

07-12-2002, 05:16 PM
A friend of a friend bought a new van, it was pretty fancy, had all the latest gagets.. including one of those boxes which tells you the temp/what time it is, how hot it is etc.. He didn't know it told you what direction you're headed in, so he took a compass, with an ordinary wood screw and drilled it straight into the box.

Then he tried to go back to the dealer to see if they'd fix it (he did this only a few days after buying the van) Of course, they wouldn't... and it was going to cost him $550 for a new box. Luckily my friend is an electrician, and he went and fixed it for him.

I saw on some stupid criminals show, people who would go up to the windows of convenience stores, throw a cinder-block at it and in and grap the cigarettes. Well, after awhile the stores got tired of getting robbed this way, so they installed plexyglass. The would be theif runs up, chucks the cinder block at the window... only to have it bounce off and hit him in the head :)

07-13-2002, 09:53 AM
I need about 50 of those signs...do they come at a discounted price per volume?

I work at an automation shop, I do electrical work, and recently the boss has asked me to code some utilities :) (airconditioned offices rule!) Anyhow, this was a couple of weeks back, some guy who does work for us on the bridegeports (stick metal slab in, it drills holes, pretty straightforward) he's always bs'ing on how he makes more money on the internet than he does here. So one day I decided that the opportunity was too great. My dad and his buddy were talking to him about getting the computer on his bridgeport fixed. He actually deserves three signs for this one.
First: His computer had overheated, his cpu temp was up around 250 F, and his hard drive seized up under the heat as well. We checked it out and told him he'd need a new computer (wasn't worth replacing the old parts). So, just to prove his computer genius, thirty minutes later he came back and said "I'm thinking the problem was that I got some metal chips on the circuitry there, and that's what was messing everything up. I just opened the cover, took the air hose too it, blew everything out and sure enough it started right back up." We just stared for a minute and my friend just said "Oh ok, guess it's fixed then...you can go back to work now." We couldn't help but laugh as we walked away to find his computer with a frozen black screen.
Second: Me, Dad, and his coworker John were talking about the new computer John just built for himself (dad talking him into it, showing him that you really do get ripped of retail) anyhow, this guy comes up again and starts listening in, here and there he'd let out a couple of "Oh yeah, I got one of those too". So John asks him "So how much RAM do you have on your computer". Buying himself time he asked "What do you mean how much?"...John says, "How big is your RAM?" He replies: "Oh, i've got about 30 gig." John says "Really? I've only got 512 megs" The other guy replies: "Well sounds like you got seriously ripped off anyway, I just bought mine at a computer show" John: "How bigs your hard drive?" He replies: "I think it's something like 256 gig" (at this point we're just barely keeping the laughter in because this idiot is making a complete bone of himself).
Third: So now it's my turn to get him, my Dad asked John how fast his processor was, not thinking he'd be setting up the other guy again. After he told us i cut in and asked the other guy "So, what do you think of those new AMD athlon chips?" .....Now this is golden....he replies: "Oh they cost some more than those new pentiums but i think they're worth it."......
Current Price of the newest P4 chip: $1051.79 to $1217.00 (bizrate.com)
Current Price of the Athlon XP:$175.00 to $231.99 (also bizrate)

so, like i was saying, can i get a discount on those signs?

07-13-2002, 03:09 PM
here's one (true story):
a guy speeds and he pulls over when the cops signal him down. after going through the standard procedure the cops give him his ticket and walk back to their car. the guy asks the cops one more question: "excuse me, officers? can you help me here? my pant leg is really itchy around here..."
the cops find a bag of cocaine...:D

as for stupid signs? there should be two types: "gullible" and "too ****in' stupid to breed". the gullible people are understandable. they try to follow the rules, and when there's an ambiguity they assume the worst. they certainly look stupid to the plain observer, but what can you do?

then there are the "too stupid to breed". these are the people who turn their head ever so slightly at intelligent behavior and mutter a "ehuugh?" they make it clear that any attempt at conversation will be met some quantity of stupidity (normally a buttload, but sometimes a donkeyload). these people can be found in horsefly hatcheries, pea-soup factories, and Capitol Hill.

07-14-2002, 10:44 PM
You can't trust stupid people to remember to wear the sign, "What sign?"

Had a customer ring me up and angrily complain that he could not burn CD ROM's on the new system I had just sold him. He went through the whole rant, not letting me get a word in.

He hung up when I asked him when he upgraded the CD reader I had sold him to a CD writer.

Or the water police who crashed his boat trying to book me for speeding, I should get the sign for that one. Never laugh at a cops misfortune / incompetance lest he find every little thing to fine you for (and how!).

We used to sit and watch the boats go up the channel on the river at my folks holiday shack. Everybody knows to keep the channel markers to the correct sides. That is, red for 'port' (left) green / black for right (starboard). No one thinks that they only work ONE way, upstream and you reverse them going down stream. Then they deliberately keep to the shallows!

Can I put this sign on your boat after I have towed you off the sand bar?

07-15-2002, 07:46 AM
We had a case where this bloke had decided he wanted a load of new goodies but didn't want to pay for them. So he went out on a huge shopping spree with his credit card, bought all sorts of electrical equipment and generally very expenisve stuff. Then phones his credit card company to say that his card had been stolen a few hours previously (before the purchases). The credit card company contact the police who investigate the crime. It turned out that when purchasing a brand new stereo system, the moronic fraud had decided he wanted to buy an extended warranty for it. Thus filling a form out with all of his personal details.

Definitely in need of a sign.

07-15-2002, 08:42 AM
A friend of mine is working as a Doctor. He got the special papper they write out medicine on stolen by someone that wanted to get drugs from the pharmacy. The thief later got arrested when the pharmacy got suspicious. He's recipe was asking for
"One pound of mofin"
The thief is now wearing a sign.

07-15-2002, 08:49 AM
I was working on a professional theatre production working backstage crew. Every night once the orchestra started the assistant stage manager insisted that I walk back to the dressing area and tell all the actors that the show had started. I guess the huge speakers back there that were blaring the music from onstage weren't enough of a hint.