PDA

View Full Version : Gender Humour Thread



stevey
05-27-2002, 03:18 PM
Simply Put...Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone By Matt Groening


Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged.
RELATIONSHIPS: First of all, a man does not call it a relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX:Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body isa beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

COMEDY: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...

CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

MENOPAUSE: When a woman reached menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

SPORT ARENAS: Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women,not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

FRIENDS: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

stevey
05-27-2002, 03:24 PM
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one."
The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.

The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

stevey
05-27-2002, 03:27 PM
What Women Really Mean

You want = You want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me?= I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
The answer to "What's wrong?"

The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an *******
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

lightatdawn
05-27-2002, 03:34 PM
TOP TEN THINGS MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

stevey
05-27-2002, 03:35 PM
Question: Can men ever win? Answer............. NO !!!!! .

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.

If she thumps you, it's self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.

If you don't, you're a ***.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.

If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.

If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.

If you don't, there must be someone else.

stevey
05-27-2002, 03:37 PM
on the other hand.......

The Answer is still No

Question: Can women ever win?

If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner.

If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.

If they pay for dinner, you are using them.

If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them.

If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework.

If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework.

If they want sex, they won't let you sleep.

If you want sex, they won't wake up.

If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care about their taste.

If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.

If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends.

If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you don't like their friends.

stevey
05-27-2002, 05:16 PM
A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000 and the woman's brain costs $30,000".

The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."

nvoigt
05-28-2002, 12:06 AM
How to satisfy a woman every time:
caress, praise, pamper, relish, savour, massage, fix things, empathise, serenade, compliment, support, feed, soothe, tantalise, humour, placate, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, ignore fat bits, cuddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, anticipate, smooch, nuzzle, forgive, accessorise, entertain, charm, carry for, oblige, fascinate, attend to, trust, defend, clothe, brag about, sanctify, acknowledge, spoil, embrace, die for, dream of, tease, gratify, squeeze, indulge, idolise, worship.

How to satisfy a man every time:
Arrive naked.

Shadow
05-28-2002, 12:50 AM
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
rofl. :)

Commander
05-28-2002, 07:20 AM
10 Things Men Won't Say


Let's watch Lifetime!
Sex is overrated.
I don't want to go too far on the first date.
Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.
There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.
I'm glad I don't have a large penis.
My hips are too big.
Aw, can't we watch Oprah?
Does this suit make me look fat?
I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.

Commander
05-28-2002, 07:22 AM
What do you call a 350-pound stripper?














Broke!

Commander
05-28-2002, 07:24 AM
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

Commander
05-28-2002, 07:25 AM
What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?



























Bubblegum (what were you thinking?)

Commander
05-28-2002, 07:30 AM
A Group Of Four Very Close Friends

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson, and a carpenter that met everyday for breakfast at a low income diner. They were all married except the salesman. When he was married, he went on his honeymoon with his wife. The other three still met for breakfast when he was gone. An idea came up to play some practical jokes on the new married person.
"I'll make his bed slant so his bed will collapse when he is making love," said the carpenter.
"I'll hot wire his mattress so that he'll feel immence heat while making love.'
"Those are good ideas," said the dentist. "But I am not going to tell you what I'm going to do.'
The next day the salesman comes into the diner. He says "I congratulate you guys for making my bed collapse, and I thank you for making my bed really hot, but I'm going to kill the bastard who put novocaine in the vaseline."

Jet_Master
05-28-2002, 07:41 AM
A Husband's Moment of Realization

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

hermit
05-28-2002, 07:58 AM
i have no comment. But its worth a good laugh . . :)

Shadow
05-28-2002, 11:03 AM
>> What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?
> Bubblegum (what were you thinking?)

The thought behind that disturbs me.
*images a cold, slimmy hot dog oozing out of a hole*

soft n mushy....*shivers*

C_Coder
05-28-2002, 01:12 PM
Here's some dumb blonde one liner's
I should point out that I don't agree with all of them.....just most of them :D


1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
(You have to hollow out the head.)

2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain link fence?
(To see what was on the other side.)

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
(The cow stepped on her.)

7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
(Bobbing for French fries.)

8. Why do blondes have more fun?
(They're easier to amuse.)

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
(Frosted flakes.)

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
(She missed.)

12. What is it called when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
(Data transfer.)

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
(Because she read that one child out of every four born was
Chinese.)

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned out light bulbs?
(She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)

Commander
05-28-2002, 04:42 PM
since I saw the blond joke, I was searching for new once!..but I came accross this!! Here's the exact copy!
Im soooo sick of getting told all these jokes about blond's being stopid. It's not! Burnet's is the stopit ones! So heres some joke's about THAT!!!!


How many burnet's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Like, flip on that light switch *****! Hello?


What do you get when you cross a burnet with a carrot top?
A frigid *****!


Why do people think burnet's are all smart?
Because they feel sorry they're so ugly and boring and stupid and almost never get plowed!


What do you do if a burnet throws a grenade at you?
Laugh at her for acting all butch and breaking her fingernails on it!


What do you call 24 burnet's in a box?
A case of stuck-up *****es from the lesbian virgin sorority!


Burnet's are so stupid that like, they're always fashion season behind. No I'm serious: they'll be wearing Cashmere and leather pants next year. Stupid!


Why do burnet's wear glasses?
Because they're cranky old lesbian dogs who work at the library store! Tee hee!


What did the burnet say to the electrolysis lady?
I know, I know - I've got like a total grizzly bear pelt hanging around the edges of my panties! Can you help?


You know why men date burnet's?
Because they're gay and they think that they have man meat down there!


Why don't burnet's give blowjobs?
Because, like, they're too busy taking my order during my HOT DATE!


What's the difference between a burnet and dog ****?
NOTHING!


Santa Claus, Maya Angelou, Dwight Eisenhower, a pretty burnet, and ME are all walking along and we see $100 on the ground. Who gets it first?
Me! Because all the others are totally make-believe!


What's the difference between an ugly burnet and an icky lawyer?
None! burnet are usually lawyers.


You might be a burnet if... you totally have a moustache, skank-*****!


Okay true story: there was this burnet once and she was so mega stupid she drank Slim Fast and her "sensible dinner" was pizza!


How can you tell if a burnet just had sex?
There's snowmen getting rolled in hell!


What did one burnet say to the other burnet?
Why don't we just give up and kill ourselves!


Oh my god! A burnet walked into a doctors office and didn't even get a nose job or upgrade to a C-cup. Lame!


Like, there was this totally dumb burnet who totally walked into Dolce & Gabana, and was all "where are the khakis?"


So like this burnet is all wicked mad and is telling her friend that she gave her boyfriend a "piece of her mind" and like, if she was mad, why did she give him oral sex?


A blonde and a bunet walk into a bar, and like, the burnet orders a beer - and it's domestic! Bud? YUCK!


So like a blonde and a burnet were stranded on a desert island… and the dumb burnet was bummed, but like wow! Total tan city!


What do you call a burnet with dyed blonde hair?
The root of all evil! Get it? Duh!


Knock, knock
Who's there?
A burnet
A burnet who?
Let me in so I can bore you with how smart I am and then can I beg you to love me because no one will!


HA HA HA! Sux on that you burnet *****s!

Commander
05-28-2002, 05:48 PM
Christian-Approved Nicknames for Breasts

1) Democrat Catchers

2) NFRU (Not for Recreational Use)

3) Pastor Baiters

4) Mounds of Shame

5) Heavenly Canteens

6) Pearly Weights

7) Hooteronomies

8) Pizza Pizza

9) Sweater Undulations

10) The Daughters of Lactiticus

11) Racks of Lambs of God

12) Communion Woofers

13) First and Second Mammalonians

14) Pamela 36:D

15) Beelzeboobs

MethodMan
05-28-2002, 06:07 PM
I just glanced at some of those jokes, they were quite commical, but did anyone actually read all that, you people are typing life stories... hehe

Betazep
05-28-2002, 06:19 PM
Two guys are camping in the woods and start getting onto eachother's nerves.

The first guy says, "Hey man. We have been arguing like crazy. How about first thing tomorrow, I go north and you go south, and we meet back here to tell eachother how the day went over dinner."

The second guy says, "That sounds like a great idea."

The morning comes and they go their seperate ways. Later that evening they both return and sit down by the campfire.

Over dinner, the first guy says, "I had a great day. I went up north and found a peacefull ravine. I hiked down that ravine to come across a beautiful waterfall over a crystal clear pool. I went for a swim in the pool and layed around in the sun while butterflies fluttered about and dear scampered around."

The second guy says, "You did have a good day. I went south and followed some train tracks for a while and found a woman tied to the train tracks. I cut her bonds, carried her over to a grassy knoll and we had sex all day in many different ways. It was quite invigorating."

"WOW! That is incredible. You had a much better day than I did! Did she give you oral pleasures as well."
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"No. I couldn't find her head."

stevey
05-28-2002, 06:26 PM
blondes are so stupid they -

think Chubby Checkers is a game for fat people !!
think menopause is a button on the VCR.
think safe sex is locking all the doors on the car !
get confused when the PC says "Press any key to continue", cos they can't find the 'Any' key.
spend twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
think Grape Nuts was an STD.


how do you drown a blonde ???
put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of her swimming pool.

Aran
05-28-2002, 06:30 PM
godamn necropheliacs.

toaster
05-28-2002, 09:58 PM
[drops on the floor laughing]

RobS
05-29-2002, 04:31 AM
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

















Run like hell, they're still holding the grenade.

stevey
05-29-2002, 01:03 PM
Stop your sons and daughters indulging in the abhorent practice of masturbation by purchasing one of the products below made by Pitt & Johnson.

AM01: Anti-masturbation pants - £34.99
- made from toughened plastic available in 4 sizes
- locks prevent pants from being removed
AM02: Anti-erection ring - £99.99
- delivers short, violent shock when penis becomes erect
- anti-handling device prevents ring being removed
AM04: Anti-nocturnal emission blanket - £49.99
- delivers electric shock when fibres in blanket become damp
- 100% effective in curing bed-wetting and wet dreams

The British Conservative Catholics,
PO Box 462, London NW12 8XN.
Tel No: 0208 045 231

:D :D this is a genuine advert (well i think so)!!!! ROFL

Commander
05-29-2002, 03:33 PM
A Little Testy

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

Commander
05-29-2002, 03:37 PM
A Very Special Dictionary

THINGY (thing-ee) n. For a female: Any part under a car's hood. For a male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n. Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes ''look bigger.'' Male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

stevey
05-30-2002, 06:34 PM
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Apparently Russia is a great place to meet women.
I remember once I met this chick in Kiev

stevey
05-30-2002, 06:46 PM
A man is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba suit arrives at the island. She comes up to the chap and she says, "How long has it been since you had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he answers. She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you had a whisky?
He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a bottle of malt whisky and gives it to him.
He takes a long swallow and says, "Wow, that is fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you had some real fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"



A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, and figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

stevey
05-30-2002, 07:03 PM
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
:D :D :D

golfinguy4
05-30-2002, 08:58 PM
This thread is great. But the damn spelling of humor incorrectly is ........ing me off. JK all you Brits and other truly educated people. :D

Jet_Master
05-31-2002, 04:28 PM
Originally posted by stevey
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
:D :D :D


sorry, but i did not really get that...
[no offense meant stevey]

Sorensen
05-31-2002, 04:35 PM
>sorry, but i did not really get that...

He's a jockey.

What do you call a woman with no legs?

stevey
05-31-2002, 06:01 PM
you don't get that ???
thats one of my favourite jokes !!

i don't know, what do you call a woman with no legs ??
(i hope this isn't gonna be too rude )

Shadow
05-31-2002, 06:35 PM
> What do you call a woman with no legs?
An amputee ( there, it's clean ) :D

Sick version:
Really good with her hands.

Jet_Master
05-31-2002, 08:28 PM
>sorry, but i did not really get that...

He's a jockey.


...I got that... But's what's so funny about him being a jockey? that's what i dont understand...

Sorensen
06-01-2002, 07:00 AM
Originally posted by Shadow
> What do you call a woman with no legs?
...
Really good with her hands.

That's alot cleaner than my version (and probably funnier), so I'll leave it at that.

Here's a cleaned up golden oldie -

This guy was walking on the beach. As he was walking he saw a woman with no arms and no legs laying by the shoreline.

While he began to walk past her she called him over, "Excuse me sir but can you come here for a sec"

"Ok , what do you want" he said.

"Well as you may have gathered, I've never been kissed before. Do you think you can kiss me?" she asked.

"Well alright, I guess" he replied.

After he kissed her he began to walk away, but once again she called him over, "Excuse me sir, but do you think you can come here again?".

"What is it now?" he said as he approached her.

"Well as you may have gathered, I've never been screwed before. Do you think you can screw me?" she asked.

The man replied "Sure!". He picked her up tossed her in the ocean and said "You're screwed now!!!"

Jet_Master
06-01-2002, 01:12 PM
amputee jokes are kinda sick...

...with no hands... no legs... *shudder* no thanks...