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Commander
05-20-2002, 07:38 PM
what is this?????????
I worte [NOT INTENDED TO OFFEND ANYONE] (or someting like that) on the subject!!!!!!!! y is this board turning into a humorless monster???:confused:

ygfperson
05-20-2002, 07:41 PM
because people persist in angering the mods by questioning their judgement. start by replacing 'm' with 'g'. ;)

stevey
05-20-2002, 07:57 PM
narrr, that was a great joke you posted, nobody was offended by yours at all, it was my fault entirely, i was posting much ruder stuff, i thought it was just about within the limits or that they'd only delete my posts not the whole thread, but obviously not....
it was probably double-anti cos he/she hates anything even remotely construed as rude or sexist...
sorry old bean....

Commander
05-20-2002, 08:01 PM
mod to god eh.....I'll try that next time....I'm looking for a clean joke!!! i'll post it when I find it!

Commander
05-20-2002, 08:06 PM
found one!!!!!!!!!!!




hope thins is not old or was posted b4

Three Wishes Each for a Bear and a Rabbit

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that
the bear was gay."

Commander
05-20-2002, 08:33 PM
I found another one.......
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first
of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm
a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me", she told him earnestly.

Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes, he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she
put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him: How
does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like hell.

Shadow
05-20-2002, 09:45 PM
Knock knock? :D

*runs away quietly*

Unregistered
05-21-2002, 07:38 AM
who's there?

Kupo
05-21-2002, 09:38 AM
Originally posted by Commander
what is this?????????
I worte [NOT INTENDED TO OFFEND ANYONE] (or someting like that) on the subject!!!!!!!! y is this board turning into a humorless monster???:confused:

the intent doesn't define the result.

if it did, our programming lives would be a lot easier :D

adrianxw
05-21-2002, 12:51 PM
>>> the intent doesn't define the result

So true...

>>> board turning into a humorless monster??

... on the contrary, there has been some very funny stuff there, but we have rules.

This is not a joke board, it is a programming help board, with a general discussions forum. Please remember that many that come searching the 'net looking for programming help resources, a) find this site, and b) are depressingly young!!!

Xmevs
05-21-2002, 02:21 PM
Heey!!








:D

Aran
05-21-2002, 04:53 PM
>> depressingly young

here here! damn youngins ruinin' my stock! wut is dis? mis-a jarjarbinx! NO!!

ehh.. anywho, yeah.

We should have a jokes board.. that would be interesting.

Jet_Master
05-21-2002, 07:07 PM
yeah. we need joke boards to make our lives a bit lighter...
i mean, c'mon, we all can take a break from programming and relax for a bit. except all the nerds out there...

Commander
05-21-2002, 08:18 PM
Posted By Jet_Master
except all the nerds out there...
:looks around suspiciously: I wonder who it is??:confused:

Shadow
05-21-2002, 10:07 PM
> I wonder who it is?
It is I, Shadow.

Jet_Master
05-22-2002, 07:46 AM
Fire!!!
-------
A woman frantically calls the fire department to report
a fire in the neighborhood.

The dispatcher asks, "Well, lady how do we get there?"

Confused she replies, "Don't you still have those little
red fire trucks?"

Jet_Master
05-22-2002, 07:52 AM
Bin in Disguise

Osama's Latest Disguise (http://www.linkydinky.com/UBLdisguise.shtml)

Commander
05-22-2002, 08:07 AM
Go here (http://www.veryfunnypics.com/political/images/clintondoes.gif)

stevey
05-22-2002, 12:19 PM
old and offensive joke....

what do you call a guy with no legs and no arms, in a swimming pool ???

Bob

Jet_Master
05-25-2002, 06:57 PM
NOTE: Please take no offense, this is a "blonde joke". i did not make this up... so dont blame me.




a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead go to a magic store. there they see a magic mirror. the way this mirror works is: if you look into it and say,"i think...". if it is reasonable, the mirror will grant you the wish. but if it is impossible, you will disappear and get trapped somewhere for eternity.

the brunette looks and says,"i think i am the most beautiful woman in the world." --- She disappears.

the redhead looks and says,"i think i am the smartest woman in the world." --- She disappears.

the blonde looks and says," i think..." --- she disappears.


again... no offense

Aran
05-25-2002, 07:03 PM
that's a good joke.. i'll think of repeating that to my uncle who is a joke connoseiur.

Dalren
05-25-2002, 07:41 PM
The previous golf joke reminded me of this one.


Matt and Bob were out playing golf one day and unfortunatly they were stuck behind two women moving at a terribly slow pace. After a while Matt got tired of being stuck behind these women and decided to ask them if he and Bob could play through. Matt gets close but then turns around and walks back to Bob. When he gets back he tells Bob, "[Explitive Deleted], one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress, why dont you go ask them instead." So Bob decids to go and ask them. When Bob gets up to them he quickly turns around and walks back. When he gets within earshot of Matt he says, "man, its a small world"

Commander
05-25-2002, 07:51 PM
LOL!!!

here's one......Diff topic though!
The Great Debate

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews
had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from
the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay.
If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a
middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for
one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither
side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat
opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his
hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and
raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around
his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope
pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an
apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too
good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there was still one God common to both our
religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and
showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an
answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had
three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was
leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared
of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took
out mine."

Commander
05-25-2002, 07:58 PM
"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\
prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind.
Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a
hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her
monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power
indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."

[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have
accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her
hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of
monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on
it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."

[muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

[clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle --it's
because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]

"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]

Shadow
05-25-2002, 08:13 PM
> "Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]
ROFL. :) Good one.

Commander
05-25-2002, 08:31 PM
V.I.P

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They
arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend
the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly
vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like
everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of
gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets
what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and
the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming
pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a
Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine
and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error
has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has
there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he
gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm
getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes
here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

Commander
05-25-2002, 08:46 PM
Winston Churchill .... The Great War Leader With The Great Comebacks!

Winston Churchill was a quite a character. Here, for your
enjoyment, is a bit of a description of him:


(1) Seeing how rude Churchill was to his wife (and everyone
else), a lady once told him, "Winston, if I was your wife, I
would poison your tea." Churchill replied, "And madame, if I was
your husband, I would drink it." Ouch.

(2) At a dinner a party, a (different) lady thought Churchil had
had a bit too much to drink, and told him so: "Winston, you are
drunk." Churchill's answer: "And madame, you are ugly. The
difference is, in the morning, I will be sober." Ouch Ouch.

(3 and final) The famous playwright George Bernard Shaw, once
wrote a letter to Churchill along these lines: "...I would be
delighted if you could attend the first performance of my new
play...You may bring a friend, if you have one." Churchill was
not going to take that sitting down; his reply: "I apologize
that I cannot attend the first performance of your play, but I
will be happy to attend the second performance, if you have one."

stevey
05-26-2002, 12:07 PM
i kew winston was a genius !!!!

old joke

a very old guy is in hospital, and his wife is visiting....
the doc said "sir, we will be needing a urine sample, faeces sample and a blood sample"
the old git, who was very hard of hearing said "what !!!"
the doc repeated himself. but tjhe old codger still couldn't hear, so the doc shouted "WE WANT A URINE SAMPLE, A FAECES SAMPLE AND A BLOOD SAMPLE"
the old duffer was still looking confused, so his wife turned to him and shouted "HE SAID HE NEEDS A PAIR OF YOUR UNDERPANTS !!!"

stevey
05-26-2002, 12:16 PM
a doctor was complaining to his new colleague about an incompetant nurse...
he said "nurse sarah is completely mixed up, she does the opposite of what i tell her !!!! last week i told her to give a patient 4mg of morphine every 10 hours. she gave him 10mg every 4 hours and nearly killed him. and only yesterday i told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours and she gave the poor guy 24 enemas in an hour !!!"

"OH MY GOD !!!! " said the 2nd doctor, and set off running to the ward.
"whats up ??" the first doctor shouted after him

the 2nd doc shouted over his shoulder "ive just told nurse sarah to prick mr smith's boil !!!"

Commander
05-26-2002, 01:45 PM
Tragedy


Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the
students if anyone can give him an example of a "TRAGEDY". One
little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives
next door was playing in the street when a car came along and
killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY." "No," Clinton says, "That
would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a
TRAGEDY." I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we
would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other
children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one
here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he
speaks: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were
blown up by a bomb, that would be a TRAGEDY." "Wonderful!"
Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a TRAGEDY?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT, and
it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!"

Commander
05-26-2002, 01:49 PM
Italian Conversation on a Bus

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves,
and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind
them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;
"Emma comes first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I
come again. Two asses they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I'mma just tellun my
friend howa to spella Mississippi."

Commander
05-26-2002, 02:05 PM
Classes for Dog to Talk and Read


A young man goes off to college, but about a third of the way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are
coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach
Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that
program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the
course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About two-thirds of the way
through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this. They've had such good results with this program, that
they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to read!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in
that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the
money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his
father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots
the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I
just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out
of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicked back in the recliner,
reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and
asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin around with that little redhead who
lives on Oak Street?'"

The father yells, "Oh, ****! I hope you SHOT that lyin' son-of-a-*****!!!"

"Sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!!!"

Vicious
05-26-2002, 06:54 PM
Well... I heard this on Halo...



I drove the Warthog towards a Grunt...
My man n the turret killed him and said...
"I would have been your daddy, but the dog beat me over the fence"

Commander
05-26-2002, 08:47 PM
Three Boys And Bill Clinton

One day three boys found a man lying face forward on the beach.
The boys pocked him and rolled him over. The boys asked what
happend and he said that he fell out of an airplane and the boys
had rescued him. So bill said he would give each of them one
thing they wanted. The first boy said he wanted to go to the
white house and bill said done come over tonight. The second
boy said he wanted a bike. Bill said done it will be there in a
week. The third boy said i want a wheel chair with a t.v and
nintendo. And bill said ok. but why do you want that? Then the
boy said because i will need it after I tell my dad I saved your
sorry ass!!!

Jet_Master
06-02-2002, 09:32 AM
why are bush jokes more common and funnier that clinton jokes?
or is it just me?

lightatdawn
06-02-2002, 02:13 PM
>>why are bush jokes more common and funnier that clinton jokes?

Because its funnier to laugh at a monkey than a clown. Bush is an idiot, Clinton was just plain hilarious to begin with. Hence, Bush is more fun to poke fun at.

You could say that Bush is Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Heal.

A few Cokes short of a six-pack.

A few peas short of a casserole.

The wheels spinning but the hamster's dead.

One taco short of a combonation plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell down the stupid tree and hit ever branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machines out of thread.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.

bobish
06-02-2002, 02:58 PM
This guy goes golfing with a priest. On his first swing he totaly messes up and the ball lands in a pond. He says "god damnit I missed" and the priest, looking somewhat shocked say "don't say that or god will strike you down". The golfer appologises and tries again. This time the ball gets caught in a sand trap and he again says "god damnit". The Priest say "telling you god will strike you down". On his third swing the golfer, who is quite frusturated at this point, looses his grip on the club and it goes flying. He again shouts "god damnit". A dark could then moves over head and a bolt of lighting comes down and strikes the priest. The golfer hears god say "god damnit i missed"

Commander
06-02-2002, 08:49 PM
on a idiot scale of 1-10, (1 being the most stupid and 10 being the least), bush is somewhere around



































-15642165654216546546516516548^51216542157984512165 21579845121652157984512165215798451216556542165465 ^2151565215798451216521579845121652157984512165215 798451216546

Govtcheez
06-03-2002, 11:32 AM
To elaborate on l@d's statements, if brains were gasoline, Herr Bush wouldn't have enough to drive a ........ant's motorcycle around the inseide of a Cheerio.

lightatdawn
06-03-2002, 11:45 AM
If brains were dynamite, he would have enough to blow his nose.

:D

GaPe
06-03-2002, 01:19 PM
Here's the joke.

Commander
06-03-2002, 03:55 PM
Originally posted by lightatdawn
If brains were dynamite, he would have enough to blow his nose.

:D Probably not even that much!:D