View Full Version : clean(ish) jokes

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05-08-2002, 08:09 AM
whats the last thing "tickle me elmo" receives before he leaves the toy factory??

two test tickles.


05-08-2002, 11:26 AM
i would like to be involve with this one :

seriously stevey are you a male or a female ? or both?

05-08-2002, 11:49 AM
Originally posted by hermit
i would like to be involve with this one :

seriously stevey are you a male or a female ? or both?

:) see the thread !!!

05-08-2002, 01:24 PM
What does Snoop Dog use to clean his laundry?


05-08-2002, 02:31 PM
/* Edited for content by Moderator - keep it clean or it has to go away... */

05-08-2002, 05:48 PM
Slightly surreal joke.............

A duck walks into a pub and heads straight for the bar. He asks the barman, "Have you got any bread?"
"No sorry, we don't sell bread."
"Have you got any bread?"
"No, I just told you, we don't have any bread."
"Aw right then. What about bread? Do you have any bread?"
"Look you stupid little duck, I don't have any bread! And if you ask me for it one more time, I'm going to nail your beak to this bar!"
The duck pauses to think. "Have you got any nails?"
"Have you got any bread?"

05-08-2002, 05:56 PM
Two aliens land in the middle of the Australian outback , near a recently abandoned gas station. The first alien goes up to the gas pump (which he assumes is an earthling) and says, "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump doesn't say anything (naturally). The alien gets annoyed and demands again, "Take me to your leader!!" When the gas pump still doesn't reply, the alien gets mad and tells the pump that if he doesn't start talking, he will blast him...

At this point the second alien nervously interrupts, "Err, Sir, I don't think you should ......"... But the first alien will not be deterred and he blasts away. There is a huge explosion and after the smoke clears, the blackened aliens discover themselves lying 100 yards away from their destroyed space ship...

"You see, Sir", said the second alien, "I didn't think it would be a wise idea to mess around with a guy who can wrap his dick around his waist and stick it in his ear!"

05-08-2002, 10:22 PM
Moderators would it be acceptable to post dirty jokes as an attachment, with a disclaimer?
And if so .......stevey I know you have more...

05-08-2002, 10:38 PM
OK this one is stupid......
A blond, brunette and red head are trapped on top of a two story building, which happens to be burring down.
The fire department comes and carries out a large blanket for the ladies to jump into.

First the red head jumps. Suddenly the fireman move and she hits the ground.
Then the brunette screams, "I'm about to jump don't move"
She does so and the move. Splat...she hits the ground.
Then the blond yells, "OK. I'm not that dumb. DROP the blanket..............

True story..If i can find the site I'll post it.
Two dudes are going home after a long day of hunting.
When they get to their truck the lights go out.
the driver says "DAMN!!! its dark as hell and the fuse just went out."
SO his buddy, whom has just started on his sixth beer says put this in it. It will work."
He hands the driver a . 22 caliber round. The driver places the round in the fuse slot and continued down the road. Suddenly the ammunition goes off and clips the drives left testicle, thus causing him to swerve off the road into a group of large trees.

05-08-2002, 10:40 PM
HAHA found it.

Taken from the above stated site.
What's a Darwin?
Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool
by removing themselves from it in really stupid ways.

05-08-2002, 10:47 PM
here is a sample

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are blamed for the death of a man killed by his own gas. There were no marks found on his body, but an autopsy revealed the presence of a large quantity of methane dissolved in his blood. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage, a combination of foods known for producing severe gas attacks. It appeared that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had his windows been open, the flatulence wouldn't have been fatal, but the man was shut up in a nearly airtight bedroom. He was an obese man with an unlimited capacity for creating the deadly gas that earned him notoriety as a Darwin Awards winner.

05-09-2002, 08:33 AM
:D good grief !!! good job he didn't smoke, could have blown up half the building !!

Darwin awards are classic, i love that site.

old fart joke ->

a red indian chief has a problem passing wind and is incapacitated with pain, so sends Son Number One to the white doc, since their medicine man has been unable to help.
the son arrives at the quacks and says "Big Chief No Fart" in his best English.
the doc gives the son some laxatives.
but next day the son arrives again "Big Chief, Still No Fart", more laxatives, and again the next day.
eventually the doc gives the son the strongest tablets hes got, and instructs the son to give them his father.
the next day, the doc can hear a commotion at the indian camp and goes for a look.
he sees the eldest son, and he's decked out in warpaint and feathers. "whats happening" he asks him.
the son replies "Big Fart No Chief!"

05-09-2002, 10:17 AM
This 68 year old American multi millionaire widow decides she would like to remarry. She asks her laywers to search for a single 21 year old white man with rugged good looks, a golden smile and above all he must be a virgin.
These being liberated times with sexual favours being given at a very young age, the only guy they can come up with who fits the description is an Australian stockman named Novacaine
The laywers make the proposal to Novacaine and soon he is jetting off to New York to meet and marry his new bride.
The ceremony goes off without a hitch and they hurry back to the penthouse honeymoon suite where the wife suggests that he gets things ready for their marriage consumation while she goes to powders her nose and slips into something more comfortable.
When she returns to the living room some minutes later, she is surprised to find all the furniture piled up in one corner of the room and the carpets are rolled up with only bare boards in the middle of the floor.
The woman says "what are you doing, aren't we going to make love?".
Novacaine replies "well as you know I aint ever made love to a woman before but if it's anything like a kangaroo were going to need all the room we can get!"


05-09-2002, 04:35 PM
A man with 3 girlfriends finally decides to settle down but doesn't know which one to choose for marriage. He gave each of then $5000 and waits and sees what they do with it.

The first spent all $5000 for clothes on herself. She wanted to look pretty for her man.

The second spent all the money on the man because he deserves it.

The third invested the money and made more than enough to spend on the both of them and even enough to save for possible kids in the future.

So which one does he choose . . .

The one with the biggest t-its of course.

05-10-2002, 09:41 AM
a guy went to the doctor because he had a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bottom.
having showed it to the doctor, he asked "is it bad ???"
"i'm afraid so" the doc replied "thats just the tip of the Iceberg..."

05-10-2002, 12:43 PM

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.
There's no future in time travel.
Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
A day without sunshine is like night.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Death is hereditary.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon!
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A good pun is its own reword.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
To err is human, to moo bovine.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
There's an exception to every rule, except this one.

05-11-2002, 01:01 PM
ok last joke......

[offensive Royal Family joke]

the queen mum, having recently died, goes to heaven.
there she sees Lady Diana...

LD " hello you old bat, i thought i'd see you here soon !"
QM "well i lived longer than you !! take that Merc off your face!!"

QM "and what's with the halo, you weren't no angel!!"
LD " thats not a halo, its a steering wheel!!"


no offense, ma'am...rest in peace....

05-11-2002, 01:05 PM
heh heh
they remind me of a similar joke

what did dodi say to diana as they drove through the tunnel?
Shall we go back to mine or do you want to crash here.