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Deckard
05-01-2002, 07:01 AM
I recently received this from a co-worker, and a few (3, 5, and 9) made me laugh out loud. I apologize if this is an old joke (it is new to me).

-----------

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE 'F' WORD WAS APPROPRIATE:

10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
- Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th -"You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
- Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
- Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
- Picasso, 1926

5th -"Where the @#$% are we?"
- Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
- Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the @#$% was that?"
- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head."
- JFK, 1963

1st - "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
- Bill Clinton, 1997

lightatdawn
05-01-2002, 09:45 AM
:D


... (Oh please let this turn into another joke thread. ;) )

stevey
05-01-2002, 10:00 AM
:)
i think they're ALL funny, i esp. like the Kennedy one, awwwww poor jack.

nvoigt
05-01-2002, 12:11 PM
steveys sig:
>Prediction for Teusday :
>Bayern Leverkusen....2
>Manchester United.....3


Whooooohooooooo !!!! We rule :p :p :p Go Bayer, GOGOGO ! You rox0r :)

C_Coder
05-01-2002, 01:08 PM
[off topic]
heh heh no silverware for ManU this season.
Aresnal 4
ManU 0
I don't like Aresnal but we all unite against the common enemy
[/off topic]

Funny list Deckard :D

Deckard
05-01-2002, 01:54 PM
Originally posted by nvoigt
steveys sig:
>Prediction for Teusday :
I just realized I've been spelling Tuesday incorrectly all these years ;)

Hammer
05-01-2002, 04:18 PM
Originally posted by lightatdawn
(Oh please let this turn into another joke thread. ;) )

Ok, here's one. I'm gonna get slapped by the ladies, but then what the hey. :D

Read this, the open the picture attachment.

----------------------------------------------------------
The other day I was in my local car spares shop. A lady comes in and asks for a seven
ten cap. We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost some how
and I need a new one.
"What does it do? "
She said she didn't know, but its always been there.
The assistant gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a
picture.
So She makes a circle about 3 inches in diameter and in the centre
she writes 710.

WOMEN..........KNOW YOUR LIMITS

Now have a look at the drawing (attachment)

Aran
05-01-2002, 04:31 PM
Real Madrid just tied Barcelona and is going to the... .soemthing finals...

golfinguy4
05-01-2002, 06:13 PM
Hammer, that one is great.:D :D

stevey
05-01-2002, 06:51 PM
Originally posted by nvoigt
steveys sig:
>Prediction for Teusday :
>Bayern Leverkusen....2
>Manchester United.....3


Whooooohooooooo !!!! We rule :p :p :p Go Bayer, GOGOGO ! You rox0r :)

boo hoo !!!! i'm a Man united fan:(
ive got to say, Bayern were the best team in both legs....i dunno what happened to Man U, they didn't seem to play very good.
i think they badly needed Beckham and Neville, but theres no excuses, they have enough money...a big squad. maybe its Bayern's tactics that made them look bad ??

but you have to admit, Man U never give up!! and they had 4 shots cleared of the line..i thought Forlan's was going in !!

oh well, congrats to Bayern - i hope they win it now, Real Madrid have had their fair share of the Trophy !!

stevey
05-01-2002, 06:54 PM
Originally posted by Ken Fitlike
>>steveys sig:
Prediction for Teusday :
Bayern Leverkusen....2
Manchester United.....3<<

He's got you there, Stevey.

But congratulations to Bayern Leverkusen for a job well done. If Roy Keane hadn't been playing it would have been a lot easier and Man U. probably would have lost on the night too.

On topic (I hope): 8 & 10 are @#$%ing funny.

boo hoo boo hoo :(
better change that sig....

yep, Bayern were the better team, no complaints
theres always next year, i really want them to win again esp for Sir Alex, he'll feel a failure otherwise.......

ihsir
05-01-2002, 11:38 PM
Hey funny stuff Deckard, Hammer


Stevey:
HAHAHA HOHOHOHO HEHEHE

Bayer is going to Finals and Arsenal RULZ.

(though i wanted Bayern)

zolo44
05-01-2002, 11:52 PM
Oh my god.... I'm trying to get up from the floor from laughing so hard!!! That was good. hehe:D

hermit
05-02-2002, 02:32 AM
Not for the weak hearted (http://b3ta.com/fish/)

just wanna have a good laugh :)

stevey
05-02-2002, 08:00 AM
Originally posted by hermit
Not for the weak hearted (http://b3ta.com/fish/)

just wanna have a good laugh :)

oohh thats so rude !!:)

Benefits of being female :

when we buy a vibrator, its glamourous.
when men buy a blow up doll, its pathetic.

no vital body part can be cut off with one clean sweep

we never need to worry if his orgasm was real

we have an excuse top be a total ***** at least a few days per month

we don't need to fart to amuse ourselves

we can sleep our way to the top in our chosen proffesion

we know whether size really does matter

we have never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game

we can flirt with systems support men who will always return our calls and are nice to us even if we blow up our computer

we'll never discover weve bin tricked by a push-up bra.

btw is that a pic of you ???:) i'm in love !!:D

RobS
05-02-2002, 08:14 AM
what, no vital body part can be cut off with one clean sweep

wow, women must have really thick necks

stevey
05-02-2002, 08:46 AM
Originally posted by RobS
what, no vital body part can be cut off with one clean sweep

wow, women must have really thick necks

:) oh yeah !!

but it was something i read once...and i think we know the body part/parts referrered to !!!!!

RobS
05-02-2002, 08:54 AM
Yeah I know, but I couldn't help it. It could be true women have nothing vital above the shoulders, but I wouldn't condone such an idea.
Anyway, its not women with thick necks to be worried of, its the ones with big hands.

stevey
05-02-2002, 09:05 AM
:D
yeah, unfortunately a lot of women have hands biggerr than mine ! ive got very little girly hands !:) cant get gloves to fit me at work etc

still my small hands make other parts look bigger !!:)

hermit
05-02-2002, 09:12 AM
dont you think i posted above was hilarious?

where is your sense of humour guys?cmon its fun!

stevey: i dont think you are real gentlemen at all. what happen to all the real gentlemen in this forum. the manly MAN! that respect women.

sense a little sexist there :(

RobS
05-02-2002, 09:14 AM
I'm a modern man, a sincerely believe a womans place is not in the kitchen... it the bedroom

stevey
05-02-2002, 09:21 AM
Originally posted by hermit
dont you think i posted above was hilarious?

where is your sense of humour guys?cmon its fun!

stevey: i dont think you are real gentlemen at all. what happen to all the real gentlemen in this forum. the manly MAN! that respect women.

sense a little sexist there :(

I thought it was funny thats why i posted a smile.
i respect women totally, but wheres the fun in that ???:)

Hammer
05-02-2002, 09:30 AM
Originally posted by RobS
........ sincerely believe a womans place is not in the kitchen... it the bedroom

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Keeping to the topic of swearing.....

A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to his wife:
"Pack your bags, honey, I just won the lottery! 10 million of it ..... Woooohoooo!"
"That's great, sweetie!" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
"Who cares?" he replies, "Just f*** off!"

Hammer
05-02-2002, 09:41 AM
OK, now these things always make me laugh.....

For those that need an intro:


Quiz show 'Family Fortunes' surveys the answers of a hundred people to each of its questions.
Contestants are challenged to guess the answer that most ordinary people would provide.
Below is a list of actual answers given by contestants on the programme:

Quiz Answers (http://www.qwertyuiop.co.uk/gs/atoz/programmes/f/family_fortunes/familycockups.htm)

I'm sure there's more of these things aroung somewhere, if you find any post 'em here please! :D

stevey
05-02-2002, 10:55 AM
:D :D

that was SO funny...LMAO

like this -

A bird with a long neck............ Naomi Campbell :)

i don't know any others but i heard one that (the bird who did blind date -cant remember her name) told, from a radio show she did.....

what was Hitlers first name ?????

Heil !!!!

hermit
05-02-2002, 07:38 PM
BEDROOM? excuse me! in order to get her to the bedroom, u need to respect her. by saying that, it is degrading. .
remember your mum is a women too :)

i like guys that treat me special. not like some sort of trailer park trash!

Dont u guys feel good, if a woman say
"you are such a gentlemen, and u really know how to respect and know how a women feels"

well that is the tip to your ultimate dream girl date
i know , coz im a girl -----:)

zolo44
05-02-2002, 07:50 PM
Well put hermit.. ;)

stevey
05-02-2002, 08:00 PM
Originally posted by hermit
BEDROOM? excuse me! in order to get her to the bedroom, u need to respect her. by saying that, it is degrading. .
remember your mum is a women too :)

i like guys that treat me special. not like some sort of trailer park trash!

Dont u guys feel good, if a woman say
"you are such a gentlemen, and u really know how to respect and know how a women feels"

well that is the tip to your ultimate dream girl date
i know , coz im a girl -----:)

theres some jokes you'll like on the joke thread

:)

heres one i like.....

how do you know if you're wife is really dead ???
you're sex life is the same, but you're washing pile is getting bigger !!!

me sexist ??? as if........

Aran
05-02-2002, 09:09 PM
Hermit - EQUAL RIGHTS MOVEMENT! you aren't special anymore, you are just as crappy as we men are. (equal rights and all, you've gotta live with it)

hermit
05-03-2002, 12:30 AM
stevey:im not talking about your generation. im talking about mine which i assume 20years younger than you . .

im only early 20s! big generation gap . . there . .

human rights?? what human rights where guys still treat girls the same say . . ( unrespectful ) . Human rights are here to fight you men. Not all, just some (http://www.amnesty.org)

Malcar Morab
05-03-2002, 12:51 AM
I rather disagree, it seems as if some of the womens rights fights out there are just drudging us down to a low level like our ancestors were at.


I could list some topics, but that might get into another argument and I don't have enough strength for that, or the time.

I would like to point out, though, that if women didn't dress so provocably or act in certain ways there wouldn't be as much disrespect towards them. Men have a hard enough time dealing with lust without girls waltzing by in a tiny T-shirt. It hurts them and it hurts us.

When certain things are worn it's like saying "Hey! Look at me!" Then women and girls are surprised when they get bugged and disrespected.

Deckard
05-03-2002, 05:13 AM
It seems some people have forgotten this is a joke thread, and not a gender war thread. I'll try to get us back on track with a joke from another co-worker. I have no idea how true this story is, but it is still humorous:

----------

This is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

hermit
05-03-2002, 05:46 AM
well we got abit de-railed there, but it was a funny post!

cheers

RobR
05-03-2002, 07:51 AM
Been away for 3 days, and I've really missed this stuff!!!

Glad to see another joke thread, so here goes.

<sexist joke warning>

Why have women got small feet??

So they can stand closer to the sink!


Why are wedding dresses white??

So they match the rest of the household appliances!


How do you know when a blonde has been using your computer??

Tippex on the screen!



Bye for now.

shtarker
05-03-2002, 08:09 AM
<another sexist joke warning>

How do you fix a womans watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

Why are women's feet generally smaller than mens?
It's an evolutionary thing that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why is PMS named PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. She should have listened the first two times.

shtarker
05-03-2002, 08:10 AM
And then there are the clean ones. . . . .

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, filled his tank,
and took a break by his car while drinking a soda. As he
relaxed, he watch a couple of men working along the
roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep
and then move on. The other man came along behind him by
about 25 feet and filled in the hole. The men worked right
past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the
road. Overcome by curiousity, the fellow headed for the
first man. "Hey there," he said to the men. "Can you tell
me what's going on here with this digging?"
"We work for the county government, " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling
it up. Isn't that a waste of the county's money?"
"Well," one of the men replied, "normally there's three of
us - me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in
the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yeah," Mike added. "Just because Rodney's sick, that don't
mean we can't work, does it?"



On a vacation to Australia, a Texas farmer meets an Aussie
farmer and starts talking to him about his farm. The Aussie
takes him to see his big wheat field, but the Texan wasn't
impressed. "We have wheat fields that are twice as large as
this one," he told the Aussie.
The Aussie farmer drives him around the ranch and shows off
his big herd of cattle.
"Oh, our longhorns are at least twice as big as these," the
Texan bragged.
The Aussie farmer is getting frustrated when the Texan
notices a herd of kangaroos hopping across a field. "What
the heck are those?" he asks.

The Aussie turns to him with an astonished look. "Don't you
have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

RobR
05-03-2002, 09:39 AM
What's the difference between PMT & BSE?

One is mad cows disease,



and the other is a major disaster for the farming community.



I was in a pub the other day, and a guy was chatting up a cheetah.

He's trying to pull a fast one, I thought to myself.


Why do gypsies have crystal balls?

So they can see what's coming.

(Oops, sorry, how did that slip in).

stevey
05-03-2002, 11:13 AM
Originally posted by hermit
stevey:im not talking about your generation. im talking about mine which i assume 20years younger than you . .

im only early 20s! big generation gap . . there . .

human rights?? what human rights where guys still treat girls the same say . . ( unrespectful ) . Human rights are here to fight you men. Not all, must some (http://www.amnesty.org)

about TEN years younger, i'm 33 !! i knew women were crap at mathematics !!:)
any way theres no gap really, i find women in their early 30's just as unfathomable as women in their early 20's.:)

ok for balance, anti-men jokes !!!

what do you give a man who has everything ??
a woman to show him how it works.

men are like holidays.
they never seem to be long enough.

men are like choccie bars
sweet, smooth and usually head straight for your thighs.

men are like cement.
after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard!

why don't women blink during foreplay??
cos theres no time

what do you call sex with your husband
Trivial Pursuit

what goes in hard and stiff and comes out soft and wet.
chewing gum
(i thought i'd just slip that one in:) )

what 3 words ruin a mans ego ??
is it in ??

Jet_Master
05-03-2002, 06:09 PM
funny stuff man...
those are really goood.

Hammer
05-03-2002, 06:13 PM
An ugly bloke walks into his local pub, like a gazelle, with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke.

"You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I
noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of
course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"

"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"

"I dunno, I never found her head."

:p

-KEN-
05-03-2002, 06:47 PM
>>What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
>>Nothing. She should have listened the first two times.

That's so wrong, but still funny...

lightatdawn
05-03-2002, 07:00 PM
>>That's so wrong, but still funny...

So wrong. I laughed... but in a very offended way. ;)


>>human rights?? what human rights where guys still treat girls the same say . . ( unrespectful )

That would be disrepectful. And who says we cant have a thread about sexism? Hell, the 'Middle East' cum 'Evolution' thread is burning up bandwidth pretty fast, why not start another hot topic? ;) I'd be there with bells on. (I suppose I could split this one if anyone wants me to...)

But to keep on the Joke track (cuz you cant go wrong with a joke):

Damn. Found a few good ones during my search for this, but they're a little, umm... too good for this board if you know what i mean. :) (I still seem to be keeping the 'ish' in cleanish very alive.)

.
.
.

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she
wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The
clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought
it on special. All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and
yelled, "Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!" The clerk didn't know
what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can
help. She explained that she wanted to return the non working toaster
for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund
because she bought the toaster on special. Once again she
yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!" The manager was taken
aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.

She replied, "Because I like somebody grabbing my breasts when I'm
getting screwed!

Sorensen
05-03-2002, 07:04 PM
That's the first post I've read with sexism and cum in the same sentence (nearly) :) .

stevey
05-03-2002, 07:13 PM
:D

oldy but goody -

a young woman married and had 12 kids, shortly after the last kid her hubby died. so she remarried and she had 6 more kids.
unfortunately her hubby died in an accident, so she remarried again and ended up having 4 more kids. some years later her husband died peacefully in his sleep and the woman died a few years later.

standing beside her coffin the vicar praised the womans loving nature, a woman who fulfilled the Lord's commandment to go forth and multiply. at the end of the service he commented
"thank you Lord, for finally bringing them together"

one mourner asked his friend "do you think that he means her 1st, 2nd or 3rd husband ???"

his friend replied "actually, i think he means her legs !!"

lightatdawn
05-03-2002, 07:17 PM
>>That's the first post I've read with sexism and cum in the same sentence (nearly)

I was wondering whether i'd get away with that or not. You sick sick people. :p

Okay then, i'm posting so I guess that means we need another joke.
.
.
.

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked
him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few
minutes he saw an old, old man approach. This man was OLD! He
walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and
beard.
When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in
a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help
but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there.
"I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands
and feet," states the old man.
Jesus does a double take and says, "Father?"
The old man looks at Jesus and says, "Pinnochio?"

Aran
05-03-2002, 07:18 PM
damn.. jesus IS pinochio after all! i knew it all along!

Sorensen
05-03-2002, 07:25 PM
>I was wondering whether i'd get away with that or not. You sick sick people.

Well if you were aware of it before you put it in the you are the one that is in need of help. We are only trained to recognise patterns.

stevey
05-03-2002, 07:57 PM
a couple had just got married.
both the man and woman were absolutely stone deaf, and communicated in sign language.
on the wedding night they realised they needed a way to communicate to each other what they wanted in bed, because the woman was shy and tended to want the lights out.
the wife suggested they use simple signals, if her husband wanted sex, he was to squeeze her right breast once, if he wasn't bothered he should squeeze her left breast once.

the husband thought that was a good idea. he signed back to her..
"thats a great idea. OK, if you want to have sex with me, pull my willy once. but if you don't want to have sex, pull it 100 times !!!"

:D

Commander
05-03-2002, 08:56 PM
funny stuff man... ppl would be a better term because there are some ladies in here incase u didn't notice :D

Commander
05-03-2002, 08:58 PM
Man Who Loved Baked Beans


Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.