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stevey
04-26-2002, 11:36 AM
boo hoo the last joke thread was deleted for profanity !!
but the world needs more humour, i certainly do.......

so anybody any CLEAN jokes?????......please nothing rude, or it will be deleted !!:(

but if we take out all racism, sexism, ageism, sizeism, profanity, religous jokes, lavatory humour, and anti-French jokes what have we got left ?????:) i can't think of one...

i'm struggling to think of a joke that won't offend some boring person without a life ! mebe the odd fart joke won't offend too many people....
...........................................
Lady Fotherington was entertaining lavishly, all the high society people were there......
unfortunately with all the bubbly champagne and everything, she was somewhat bloaty and full of wind.....
she bent down to whisper in somebodies ear, and unfortunately let go a corker !!
almost everyone in the room heard her and so she decided to blame her butler who was standing quite close by.....
"JEEVES, STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY !!!!!"
to which Jeeves calmly replied,


"Certainly, madam...........which way did it go ??????"
...........................................

Stepping into an elevator a businessman detected a rather offensive odour. he looked round, but the only other occupant was a little old lady......
he said politely "excuse me madam, have you passed wind?"

to which she replied offended..

"OF COURSE I HAVE !"

"you don't think i stink like this all the time do you !!!"

.................................................. .............

Why do farts smell ???


So deaf people can enjoy them too !!!!

.................................................. ..............

lostminds
04-26-2002, 12:15 PM
This is the only one I can think of right now:

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my Red Shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the look-out again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a man's manly man. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching.
The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and without fear, turned and calmy shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"

ygfperson
04-26-2002, 12:30 PM
a clean joke? this one i heard from family guy:


What do you it when a guy from middle management moves up to upper management?

I don't know, what?

A promotion!

jokes aren't meant to be clean. but that's for another thread

-KEN-
04-26-2002, 01:36 PM
It was deleted? Oh come now, if memory serves a moderator or two even posted in that thread. Something about good natured joking bothers the moderators, I guess. I mean, I see how it may have been offensive but all offensive jokes were marked as such...not to mention that, but noone was holding a gun to anyone's head to read the thread if they didn't like it.

And if it was just dutifully replying to a report on the thread, then I rescind my previous statement and just stick with "noone was holding a gun to anyone's head to read the thread if they didn't like it."

RobR
04-26-2002, 02:29 PM
Reading between the lines of NV's post there was one person (guess) who complained multiple times. Right NV??

Anyway, clean jokes.

Does

What goes clip clop clip clop bang?

An Amish drive by shooting.

Count??

RobR
04-26-2002, 03:15 PM
See,

Dirty Jokes == 150+ views, 40+ posts

Clean Jokes == 35 views, 5 posts

Case dismissed.

salvelinus
04-26-2002, 03:30 PM
Not to be pedantic or anything, but what humor doesn't make fun of somebody, somewhere, sometime. doing something? Jeez...

RobR
04-26-2002, 03:34 PM
Clean, inoffensive joke.....

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flatmate.

Unregistered
04-26-2002, 03:37 PM
Originally posted by RobR
Clean, inoffensive joke.....

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flatmate.

As a representative of the Blue Cross, I wish to protest in the strongest possible terms about that last joke. Anybody who finds that kind of immature, puerile humour amusing has to be some kind of wierd sicko.

C_Coder
04-26-2002, 04:04 PM
*sighs* Once again its the case of the views of the minority being more important than the views of the majority. Its just a symptom of capitailist society.

lightatdawn
04-26-2002, 04:04 PM
>>I wish to protest in the strongest possible terms about that last joke

I know its hard sometimes to detect sarcasm in text only, but i'm sincerly hoping....

nvoigt
04-26-2002, 05:09 PM
>Reading between the lines of NV's post there was one person
>(guess) who complained multiple times. Right NV??

Right. I did participate in that thread, but reading it a second time, I had to admit the reporter was right, the thread was not appropriate for our target audience of 12-99 year old c-programmers. I still think most of the jokes were funny ;)

golfinguy4
04-26-2002, 05:29 PM
I still don't understand why a over 16 board can't be made. People would easily be allowed to get in if they really wanted to. Also, those who didn't want to see it just wouldn't have to go to that board.

Commander
04-26-2002, 08:13 PM
well here's one anyway....it's big :mad: , and boring :mad: ......posting it here to prove my point.....read it if you want........



Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson. On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson. It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works, when you scuffed your feet, you picked up a batch of "electrons," which are very small objects that carpet manufactures weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloods stream and collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.

USELESS ELECTRONIC FACT: If you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about, unless you have carpeting.

Although we modern persons tends to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc. for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as, "A penny saved is penny earned." Eventually, he had to be given a job running the post office.

After Franklin, came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, and electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer actually attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that
has been seriously injured of killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch in hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone.

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of all was Thomas Edison, who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically just sat until 1923, when the record was invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: The electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again. This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few consumers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact, the last year in which any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937. The electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.

Today, thanks to men like Edison and Franklin, and frogs like Galvani's, we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity. For example, in the past decade scientists developed the laser, an electronic appliance that emits a beam of light so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2,000 yards away, yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations on the human eyeball, provided they remember too change the power setting from "VAPORIZE BULLDOZER" to "DELICATE."

Commander
04-26-2002, 08:21 PM
There's nothing dirty about this joke


TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

Commander
04-26-2002, 08:31 PM
This is not dirty damnit :mad:

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

RobR
04-27-2002, 04:49 AM
Originally posted by C_Coder
*sighs* Once again its the case of the views of the minority being more important than the views of the majority. Its just a symptom of capitailist society.


:D :D :D Someone REALLY needs to check those IP addresses!!

Funny though you have to admit!

Like the old joke says, You're never alone with Schizophrenia!

C_Coder
04-27-2002, 06:32 AM
Someone REALLY needs to check those IP addresses!!

And you are implying what exactly?

stevey
04-27-2002, 09:02 AM
*** borderline rude joke ***

two 9 year olds standing in the lavvie having a pee !!
one said to the other "how come your willy doesn't have any skin on it ???"

"becos ive been circumsized " the other boy explained....

"whats that mean???" the first lad asks

"it means they cut the skin off the end"

"ooh, how old were you when that happened ???"

"mummy says i was only 2 days old"

"oh, did it hurt????"

"well, i can't remember, but it sure must have done.........i didn't walk for a year !!!"

:D

now i think thats PG12 myself, but i suppose some twit will complain !!

who was this complainer anyway, identify yourself !! come on, if you think you've a valid point, then lets see who you are !!
(it most certainly WAS NOT c_coder Robby !!!)

Sorensen
04-27-2002, 09:08 AM
What do you get if you drop a grand piano down a mineshaft?

A-flat Minor.

Sorry.

stevey
04-27-2002, 10:08 AM
that joke is discusting, blatant collierism !!!
:)

whats the difference between a wheelie bin, and your wife ??

you only need to take your wheelie bin out once a week !!!

RobR
04-27-2002, 10:52 AM
Originally posted by C_Coder

And you are implying what exactly?

I'm saying that the hedgehog joke was me, and so was the complaint!!!!!

Not funny when you have to explain it!!

stevey
04-27-2002, 11:42 AM
it was so cold in the mountains, that Old Jake the prospector woke one morning to find 2 ice cubes in his sleeping bag !!

when he threw them on the fire they went : Phartsst! Phartsst !

hey ive just realised how to tell rude jokes, you just allow people to fill in the blanks, if they understand it, they are old enuff to hear it !!

ie

a guy sat on a bus next to a gorgeous young lady.
he notices shes reading a book called "sex surveys".
intrigued, he asks "is the book any good??"
"yes", she says,"its fascinating, it says that Native Americans have [kiddie edit] but that Polish guys have [kiddie edit], by the way, hi, my names Joanne"

"hi Joanne, its nice to meet you" he replies, "I'm Tonto Palawski"

stevey
04-27-2002, 11:49 AM
or......

what does tightrope walking and [kiddie edit] from a granny have in common......

you'd be best advised not to look down !!!

mebe that ones pushing it !!

or even better idea, jokes that if you think are dirty , then it is YOU who had a dirty mind !!

ie

What has 100 balls and screws old ladies ??

Bingo

C_Coder
04-27-2002, 12:34 PM
I'm saying that the hedgehog joke was me, and so was the complaint!!!!!

Not funny when you have to explain it!!

Okay so now I get it, for a minute I thought you were implying I posted the complaints.

Sorensen
04-27-2002, 01:29 PM
>> blatant collierism !!!

What's that?

RobR
04-27-2002, 01:38 PM
Originally posted by Sorensen
>> blatant collierism !!!

What's that?

Heh heh heh!!

stevey
04-27-2002, 01:57 PM
Originally posted by Sorensen
>> blatant collierism !!!

What's that?

:D

a collier is a coal miner.
well in the UK, there aren't really any mines apart from coal mines.
in fact there aren't many of them now either.

so 'miners' are called colliers

RobR
04-27-2002, 02:00 PM
well in the UK, there aren't really any mines apart from coal mines.

Oh way to go Stevey, now were gonna have the Cornish Tin Miners Association on to us!!

BTW, all quiet on the Swedish front isn't it?

stevey
04-27-2002, 02:03 PM
Originally posted by RobR


Oh way to go Stevey, now were gonna have the Cornish Tin Miners Association on to us!!

BTW, all quiet on the Swedish front isn't it?

thank god for small mercies !!!!!! miserable git !!!

i never thought i'd 'report' someone, but he was winding me up !!

can't talk to him/reason with him; he's right you're wrong, he's God you're an insect.....he wants to die and wants everone else to die, he's miserable sad git, wants everyone else to be the same, rejoicing in murder etc....dear oh dear

RobR
04-27-2002, 02:06 PM
i never thought i'd 'report' someone, but he was winding me up !!

What is commonly known as a 'troll' I believe. His "role" in life is as flame-bait. Trouble is, he ain't too good at it!!

stevey
04-27-2002, 02:11 PM
i do think he actually believes his ****e himself !!

i'm embarrassed to have 'bit', i'm usually virtually un offendable..
but if our dirty jokes are offensive i see no reason to have his "i'm glad lots of people got murdered " posts up.

RobR
04-27-2002, 02:15 PM
You may find it educational to read back on some of his old posts

"Oh, isn't my life hard"

"I want to kill myself / my neighbours / the rest of the world"

"I hate everyone"

I'd guess around 12 years old, with spots. Parents probably make him wear shorts still. You know the sort.

stevey
04-27-2002, 02:18 PM
anyway.......joke thread........

an elderly old lady complained to the police that men on the building site nearby used foul language.
the policeman who responded to the complaint tried to explain to her that while he was sorry, it is common for labourers to call a spade a spade.....
"thats the trouble officer" she replied, "they don't, they keep calling it a ****ing shovel !!!!"

stevey
04-27-2002, 02:23 PM
Originally posted by RobR
You may find it educational to read back on some of his old posts

"Oh, isn't my life hard"

"I want to kill myself / my neighbours / the rest of the world"

"I hate everyone"

I'd guess around 12 years old, with spots. Parents probably make him wear shorts still. You know the sort.

there was a classic line, it got deleted with the offensive drivel.....
he said "i don't want a life, i don't want a job or a girlfriend or friends.....these things are not worth the trouble it takes to attain them "

which about says it all....so sit at home all alone and be miserable then...

stevey
04-27-2002, 07:13 PM
A man was in his garden pruning his fruit trees one day, when he saw a hease drive past.
following this hearse was another hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly behind it.
behind the man a dog trotted along and behind the dog were about 100 men, all walking in single file.
Now this is a strange sight, so intrigued the chap went up to the man following the 2nd hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.
"its my wife " the man relied
"oh, i'm sorry to hear that..what happened to her?"
"my dog bit her and she died" the man replied.
"oh..so who is in the 2nd hearse???"
"its my mother-in-law" the man replied "my dog bit her too, and she also died"
"oh..."the chap thought about this a while and then asked......

"can i borrow your dog ?"


"sure, i guess so...........get in line!!"