QUESTIONS FOR TRIUMPH, THE INSULT COMIC DOG
Funny Bones
Interview by DEBORAH SOLOMON
Q: Tell me, Triumph, are you excited that your CD, ''Come Poop With Me,'' has been nominated for a Grammy Award, in the category Best Comedy Album?
It's all a big sham. Remember, the voters are from the music industry.
Q Are you suggesting that the voters never actually bother to listen to the CD's they recommend for awards?
Believe me, if the voters had bothered to listen to my CD, it would never have been nominated. My CD is disgusting, degrading filth, and I'm offended to be included.
Q Indeed, that may explain why the producers of the Grammys declined to make you a presenter, despite repeated requests from your record company.
It's disgraceful. It's continuing fallout from last year's Super Bowl halftime show. Why do I have to pay for Janet Jackson? I should be up on that stage. Everyone knows it.
Q The Grammy judges are notorious for bad choices, so you might actually win.
In that case it will be the first Grammy to ever go to an album with a song dedicated to roundworm.
Q I see your album is up against one by Al Franken, as well as another by Jon Stewart.
Forces to be reckoned with, yes? They sure took down the president. And Franken's liberal radio is really taking off. I own a conch shell with more listeners.
Q With your Catskills-style schtick and your Russian-accented English, I must ask: Are you Jewish?.
Like Madonna, I'll become Jewish when I need the publicity.
QWhat breed of dog are you, other than an inordinately vulgar one?
I'm a toy Rottweiler.
Q Why is it that you never mention the man who created you, the comedy writer Robert Smigel? Are you afraid to share the spotlight with him?
No questions about the nerd.
Q Many people know you from Conan O'Brien's show, and I trust you enjoy your frequent guest appearances.
It's O.K. I get to insult all sorts of talented people, and also John Tesh.
Q Are you referring to Tesh the man or Tesh the New Age musician?
Yes.
Q I realize your full name is Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, but your obsessive disparaging of celebrities is unbelievably boring. Do you ever think about anything else?
You're trying to turn this interview into something serious. I'm just a two-dimensional character.
Q It's not too late to strive for depth. In the old days, puppets were far more sympathetic than you are. What about Howdy Doody? He was such a lovable marionette.
That guy was sick. He used to hire girls to tie him up with those strings.
Q This happens to be an excellent age for puppets, what with ''Avenue Q'' winning a Tony for Best Musical. Don't you agree that puppets are flourishing?
Sure, just look at the president -- wait, I've got Al Franken's jokes here by mistake.
Q What do you think of Miss Beazley, the Scottish terrier that the president just gave his wife for her birthday?
I really can't pass judgment on Miss Beazley. I've barely smelled her.
Q Some people say dogs are what Democrats profess to be, because they are so inclusive and welcoming of people regardless of social class. What do you think?
You're not going to get me, liberal media, but I do grasp the concept. Like a lot of Democrats, we dogs can remain loyal for reasons we can no longer understand.
