Thread: Mormon Jokes!

lol!

THE WAY IT IS

THE MISSION PRESIDENT:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound,
Is more powerful than a locomotive,
Is faster than a speeding bullet,
Walks on water,
Associates with God.

THE ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound,
Is more powerful than a switch engine,
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet,
Walks on water if the sea is calm,
Talks with God.

THE ZONE LEADER:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds,
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine,
Is faster than a decelerating bullet,
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool,
Talks with God if special request is approved.

THE DISTRICT LEADER:
Barely clears a mud hut,
Loses tug-of-war with locomotives,
Can fire a speeding bullet,
Swims well,
Is occasionally addressed by God.

THE SENIOR COMPANION:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap tall buildings,
Is run over by locomotives,
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury,
Dog paddles,
Talks to animals.

THE JUNIOR COMPANION:
Runs into buildings,
Recognizes locomotives 2 out of 3 times,
Is not issued ammunition,
Can stay afloat with a life jacket,
Talks to walls.

THE GREENIE:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings.
Says, "Look at the choo-choo!"
Wets himself with a water pistol,
Plays in mud puddles,
Mumbles to himself.

THE SISTER MISSIONARIES:
Lifts buildings and walks under them,
Kicks locomotives off the tracks,
Catches speeding bullets with her teeth and eats them,
Freezes water in a single glance,
Knows God.

During the Vietnam War, a group of soldiers were ambushed. Fire was exchanged and during it all, a young LDS soldier was hit in the chest. The others had no choice but to retreat, leaving their friend's body in the tall grass.

Later that night, back at the camp, they saw a figure moving towards them. One of the soldiers yelled out, "Who goes there?" Out of the shadows stumbled the LDS soldier. The group stood in disbelief, wanting to know how he survived.

The LDS soldier reached into his jacket and pulled out a pocket version Book of Mormon with a bullet lodged in it. Holding it high in the air he exclaimed, "Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets through Second Nephi!"

Many of the gentile persuasion in the Salt Lake City area have taken to calling members of "the" church "Mo's". OK, the truth is that being called a Mo isn't so bad. While it's not exactly a term of endearment, Mo beats some of the other things I've been called--lots of them by fellow Mo's. To ease the tension between Mos and gentiles, I've come up with a brief Mo Lexicon.

Practice these terms, learn to be comfortable with your Moism.

MO - Mormon

NO MO - Non-Mormon

NO MO' MO - Ex-Mormon

MO NOPOLY - Utah

MO TOWN - Provo

MO PEDS - People walking across the street to Temple Square or the MTC in Provo.

MO HAIR - Missionary standards haircut.

PO MO - A financially challenged Mormon

MO LASSES - Mormon Babes!!

MO TEL - Bishop's interview, tithing settlement, church court, etc.

SU MO - Grad of BYU Law School

MO GUL - Large white Utah bird frequently seen in Church history books, parking lots and dumps.

MO RALLY - Third quarter BYU drive against the U of U.

MO SEY - LDS sense of time. See also LOCO MO TION.

LOCO MO TION - Post-game exodus from Cougar Stadium.

MO NOGOMY - LDS marriage practices.

MO TIF - Two or more Mormons engaged in a heated difference of opinion.

hehe

It's Show and Tell day in school, and each kid has to bring something that represents their faith.

Little Mary walks to the front and says in a very soft voice, "My name is Mary. I'm Catholic, and this is a rosary."

Little Isaac walks to the front and says, "My name is Isaac. I'm Jewish and this is a dreidel."

Little Nephi walks up and says, "My name is Nephi. I'm LDS and this is a casserole."

Dear Mom and Dad,

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Bishop Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Bishop Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one our tents did; also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Bishop Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Bishop Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Bishop Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Bishop Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of the case, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Bishop Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed off out first aid merit badge. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Bishop Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,
Cole

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

Once two Missionaries decided to go pheasant hunting. Since they were inexperienced they just asked the sporting goods dealer to fix them up with everything necessary for a successful day. On his recommendation they bought shotguns, shells, hunting clothing, licenses, a bird dog, etc. Early the next morning the went afield with great excitement to pursue the elusive pheasant; but immediately encountered difficulty getting their new bird dog to perform. Finally one of them became so frustrated he said,

"I don't know what that guy sold us, but it ain't no bird dog! I've had it with this mutt; I'm goanna shoot him!"

"Wait! Wait", implored the other, "we paid $500 bucks for that dog, give him just one more chance."

"All right", said the first reluctantly. "You throw him up once more, and if he don't fly I'm goanna waste him!"

"What if the Book of Mormon had been written by Dr. Seuss?"
by T. Allen Lambert

Nephi: Of goodly parents I was born
I've never drunk, I've never sworn
This is Lehi, he's my dad
Laman, Lemuel, they are bad
And who is this? Why this is Sam
Yes, this is Sam;

Sam: Sam I am

Laman: That Sam I am, that Sam I am
I do not like that Sam I am

Sam: In a tent, my father dwelt

Laman: And it's so hot, I think I'll melt

Lemuel: Our father's brain is out of whack

Laman: Yeah, it's too hot, I'm going back

Lehi: Then go and get the plates my dear

Laman: On second thought, I'm staying here

Nephi: You said you'd leave and go away
Now all you want to do is stay?

Lemuel: That Nephi always gets his way

Laman: Here we are in this damp cave

Sam: We would not be here if you'd behave

Nephi: I will go and I will do
There's the angel, that's my cue
Laban's had too much to drink
Now he'll lose his head, I think

Nephi: Look what I found, a brother from the quorum

Sam: We will take him home, we will call him Zoram

Lemuel: Oh great, another pathetic life form

Laman: Our gold and silver we have spent
I do not like it in this tent

Lemuel: I cannot read the Liahona
I must have drunk too much Corona

Laman: We hate it here, we have no lives

Lehi: Then go back to the city and get some wives

Lehi: A tree, a tree, I see a tree
The fruit is white, the fruit is free
A floating building, could it be?
Why do they laugh and stare at me?

Laman, Lemuel, come and see

Laman: We will not eat your precious fruit

Lemuel: We will not wear a tie and suit

Laman: We will not help you build your boat

Lemuel: We do not think that it will float

Laman: No not this boat, it will not float
Not even in a shallow moat
I do not care what Nephi wrote

Lemuel: We will not eat your fruit I say

Laman: We will not eat it on a tray

Lemuel: And we won't eat it in a tent
Not even if your clothes you rent

Laman: We'd rather have a can of spam
L & L: We will not eat it, Sam I am

Sam: You do not like it, so you say
Try it, try it, and you may
Try it and you may I say

Laman: Sam, if you will let us be,
We will try it, you will see

L&L: Say, we like this fruit of life
Sorry that we caused such strife
You've saved us from an awful jam
Thank you, thank you, Sam I am

Crazy Mo's.

Two Mormon missionaries are walking down the street one sunny morning. Coming from the opposite direction is a Priest. As they meet the Priest says, "Good morning, Sons of the Devil." The Mormon missionaries reply, "Good morning Father."

Yeah, well, I thought it was funny.