Cheez is a closet roseanne lover. It's sad, really.
Cheez is a closet roseanne lover. It's sad, really.
Hes hiding alot in that closet
Well,I'm not a comedian,I just like to listen to jokes and share good ones with others.So don't expect originality,please.
Yes,I understand that many of u have read the jokes I posted earlier.So lets try something different now,shall we?
I received this in my inbox 2 years ago,but it still rocks!
You Know u need a new lawyer when-
- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is,
they high-five each other.
- During your initial consultation he tries to
sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a
"Budweiser."
- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
- During the trial you catch him playing his
Gameboy.
- He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack
Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink
a shot.
- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
- He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the
defense table.
- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those
little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the
judge, "Whatever."
- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
- He begins closing arguments with, "As
Ally McBeal once said..."
- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
- Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge
is the one with the little hammer, right?"
Is that funny or wat?!
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. A man goes to the doctor and complains, "Doc, I can't stop
singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" The doctor says, "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." The man says, "Is it common?" The doctor replies, "It's not unusual."
9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't
believe you, "says Dolly. Daisy exclaims, "It's true, no bull!"
10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Saran Wrap
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
12. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet,"let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Just because he's cross-eyed?" the man cries. The vet replies, "No, because he's really heavy."
14. According to statistics, 1 in 5 people in the world are
Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of
them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I
couldn't find any.
16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that
he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No way, the steaks are too high."
17. A man came to in the hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't. I've cut off your arms."
18. I went to a seafood rave last week...and pulled a mussel.
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit
a fire in the craft, it sank. Proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it, too.
20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
hth
-nv
She was so Blonde, she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
When in doubt, read the FAQ.
Then ask a smart question.
Hahaha - I like that one. The Godzilla vs Mothra's great
nv's are good, too
"12. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before."
Kinda like whenever you talk to martman.
-Govtcheez
[email protected]
Wow! Apraisal really works,doesn't it?
I'm all pumped up now,here are more jokes-
10 Characteristics of a Company Car -
- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
- Has a much shorter braking distance than
the private car.
- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of
private cars.
- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires
never have to be checked.
- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the
oil warning light flashing.
- It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the
weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other
building material.
- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily
eliminated by turning up the radio.
- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere,
unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
- It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques
and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
This one was the funniest of them all,if u understood the intended pun.
As long as we are telling bar jokes:
Oldie but goodie:
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Hey, why the long face?"
A pun groaner:
A bear walks into a bar and says "Bartender give me a drink!". Well the bartender looks at him and says "Sorry, we don't serve bears in this bar." Well this ticks off the bear and he looks around and sees a woman sitting on a bench and says angrily "If you don't give me a drink right this instant I'm going to eat that woman over there!" The bartender just shrugs which infuriates the bear so much that he goes over and indeed gobbles up the poor hapless woman. He returns and demands "Bartender, give me a beer!" Well the bartender just looks at him and says "Sorry, not only do we not serve bears, but we also don't serve drug users." The bear looks shocked, "Drug user?" to which the bartender replies, "Yeah, that was bar b*tch you ate."
HAHAHA!
That was awful, PJ...
-Govtcheez
[email protected]
A font walked into a bar, the barmen said "We don't serve your type."
Wave upon wave of demented avengers march cheerfully out of obscurity unto the dream.
Baby seal walks into a club...
A guy walks into a bar; the other guy ducks...
A guy walks into a bar, says "Ouch"
-Govtcheez
[email protected]
<14. According to statistics, 1 in 5 people in the world are
Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of
them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.<
Lol. The best so far.
Such is life.
