Thread: Read my poem! Seriously! Don't be mean to me if you don't like it

  1. #1
    geretsigernU
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    Read my poem! Seriously! Don't be mean to me if you don't like it

    This is a poem I had to write for english class. I like it, I want to know what you people think.


    There’s a house up on a hill, a house I helped build
    I see outlines of small people, sublime sihlouettes
    I can’t make out their faces, because this is just a dream
    But I know I am one of them, looking back at me
    There is nothing I can do, except stand back and watch
    Retracing the paths of the sleds with my foot, is something i will never do
    I can’t join the figures, I can’t get any closer
    All I can do is stop their sihlouettes from turning transparent
    By writing this poem
    And remembering in a cold silent monologue of what used to be

    It's basically about me remembering something from my childhood.

    Tell me what you think!

  2. #2
    Shadow12345
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    Very interesting. I think it would flow better if you took out the part about retracing paths thorugh the snow with your foot. you could break it up over a few lines if you don't want to get rid of it.

    Overall it is very poetic and flows pretty nicely though. How long did it take you to write it? My best work comes spontatneously.

  3. #3
    geretsigernU
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    Yes it was fairly spontaneous. That is just a rough draft anyway.

  4. #4
    _B-L-U-E_ Betazep's Avatar
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    I thought is was pretty good. A bit chaotic... but good nonetheless.
    Blue

  5. #5
    geretsigernU
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    What do you mean exactly? It jumps around a bit too much? If that is what you mean then I could easil organize it a bit better.

  6. #6
    Shadow12345
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    well I don't know if you should change it. Like I said breaking up that part about the foot and retracing the footsteps would make it 'flow' better. My favorite part is:

    I can’t make out their faces, because this is just a dream
    But I know I am one of them, looking back at me

    That is good because it is a cool way of implying it is a flashback or something and it flows nicely (yes, I am into poetic flow man!)

  7. #7
    _B-L-U-E_ Betazep's Avatar
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    No. I don't mean like that. The poem is good. The subject is chaotic in your mind. Makes you think and re-read... which for a poem might not be such a bad thing.

    You might want to do this...


    Retracing sled paths with my foot, something i will never do
    Blue

  8. #8
    TransparentMember correlcj's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

    It was good!
    "Be formless, shapeless, like water... You put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot... Now water can flow, or it can crash, be water my friend."
    -Bruce Lee

  9. #9
    geretsigernU
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    well I am definitely pleased that you liked it overall. Keep the comments/suggestions coming. Someone else should post a short poem!

  10. #10
    Redundantly Redundant RoD's Avatar
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    Well, i have only wrote one in my life, it was when my g/f of several years died in the drug-related incident. I never wrote it for great quality, just to write what i felt.

    Only time can tell,
    The extent of my wound from wence i fell.
    The look in his careless eyes,
    I hope when he gets to hell he fry's.
    In your eyes i could see myself,
    And in your eyes i could see my heart,
    Without your eyes, the heart that will fall apart.
    I took for granted the time we shared,
    The time i will always miss,
    Did you taste my tears, with our last kiss.
    As this day falls dark,
    My tears begin to flow,
    This arrow of depression has found its mark,
    This arrow will forever remain, in my heart.

  11. #11
    Code Monkey Davros's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

    Good!
    OS: Windows XP
    Compilers: MinGW (Code::Blocks), BCB 5

    BigAngryDog.com

  12. #12
    Just a Member ammar's Avatar
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    I like your's Ride -or- Die, it's nice.

  13. #13
    geretsigernU
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    Thumbs up

    I liked it too! My favorite was the last line:

    This arrow of depression has found its mark,
    This arrow will forever remain, in my heart.

    When did you write it R-O-D?

  14. #14
    Redundantly Redundant RoD's Avatar
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    About four months ago, it still hurts alot and i'll always love her, thnx for the positive comments.

  15. #15
    _B-L-U-E_ Betazep's Avatar
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    Good poem Ride or Die.

    Sad story though. Did somebody shoot her... or was it an OD? If it upsets you to talk about it, sorry and nevermind.
    Blue

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