So, before I email this to the CO$, what suggestions/alterations does anyone suggest?
Often, I think that rabid squirrels that are out to eat my genitals are chasing me. My family disowned me after something as miniscule as setting fire to our house. Recently, my wife has left me, and my goldfish, Willy, has died. The little **** down the street keeps throwing toilet paper in my trees and egging my front door and throwing rocks attached with the notes “Scientology kills,” and “Scientology: Profiteering cult, not religion” through my window. The other day, I think I had a heart attack, but while driving to the hospital, I got sidetracked by McDonalds. I often wet the bed and involuntarily ejaculate in public. One time, I was arrested for sexually assaulting a buckeye tree. I have type 2 and 3 diabetes, Herpes, Pink Eye, and a severe case of Acne. The public sanitation department has tried to force me to take a shower, but I haven’t taken one in 3 years; I’m not about to start now. Sometimes, I get this uncontrollable urge and kill a few dozen people, but not before taking their money. I scare little children. Can scientology cure me of all of these ailments? My friend is level 9 and can now read my mind and often masturbates to the sexual fantasies I conjure. Please send me an information packet, as I want to be able to waste ****loads of my life and money believing in space cooties that were a result of L Ron Hubbard’s drug trips. Also, Hubbard had a tendency to beat his wives; can you guys teach me how to beat (my wife)?