Time for another joke thread?

[C_Coder]

Time for another joke thread methinks

A piece of black tarmac walks into a pub, strolls up to the bar and says to the barman "Give me a ****ing pint now".
The barman, a little annoyed gets him his pint "thats 2 quid please mate".
The piece of black tarmac throws 2 quid on the bar "there you go you ****ing idiot".
"Look" says the barman "if you want to talk like that why dont you go and speak to him". The piece of black tarmac looks around to see who the barman is pointing to and spots a piece of red tarmac sitting in the corner. The piece of black tarmac quickly turns back to the barman " **** off, he's a cyclepath".

[stevey]

lou-anne (in England Sharon or Tracey) was in court alledging that the defendant had robbed her of $50.

"so you claim this guy stole $50, which you'd pinned inside your panties for safe keeping????" asked the judge.

"that is correct" she replied.

"a complete stranger managed to do this in a crowded bar, and you did not put up a fight, scream or kick him??????" the judge asked

"yes" she replied "I didn't know he was after my money"

[ygfperson]

what's a tarmac? cyclepath?

[stevey]

Originally posted by ygfperson
what's a tarmac? cyclepath?

tarmac is the black tar road surfacing. you may call it macadam possibly ??? in the UK its always black, except cyclepaths which are coloured red generally. its just a small lane reserved only for cycles...no vehicles.

this no-vehicles idea is probably a concept most Americans can't grasp !!!!!!

the play on the word Physchopath is the joke.

[Clyde]

Two old guys suffering from Alzheimer's are sitting on a bench when an ice cream van comes down the street.
"Do you want one?" asks the first guy.
"Yes, I'll have a cone, but write it down or otherwise you'll forget" says the second.
"No I won't" says the first.
"Look, I want a cone with a flake, and I know you'll forget, so write it down" says the second.
"I won't forget" says the first guy, getting slightly irritated.
"OK then, look - I want a cone, a flake and strawberry sauce. Now write it down or you WILL forget" says the second.
The first guy is getting quite miffed now and still argues that he won't forget.
The second guy says irritably "I want a cone, a flake, strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands sprinkled all over. You won't remember all that so WRITE IT DOWN!"
The first guy, now really annoyed, walks off and five minutes later comes back with a meat pie.
The second guy looks at him and says "So where's my f***ing chips?"

[C_Coder]

heh heh "So where's my f***ing chips?" lol

Talking of old guys and Alzheimer's

Theres an old guy in a home and he hasnt had sex for years, so he goes up to this old girl and says "would you hold my d...

UH hoh, better not tell this one or this thread will be deleted

[C_Coder]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick your head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?"

[C_Coder]

An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told the
priest the following:

"Father, I am an 80 year old man, I'm married, I have 4
children and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and
had an affair with two 18 year old girls. We partied and
made love all night long."

The priest said, "My son, when was the last time you were
at confession?"

The old man said, "I have never been to confession, I'm
Jewish."

The priest said, "Then why are you here telling me this?"

The old man said, "Father, I'm telling everyone!"

[Jet_Master]

Four friends are on the way to heaven.

#1 (to #2): how was your marriage? did u cheat on ur wife even once?
#2: Not even once.
#1: Then you will get to ride a mercedes benz when u get to heaven.

#1 (to #3): how was your marriage? did u cheat on ur wife even once?
#3: Yeah.. 2-3 times
#1: Then you will get to ride a toyota when u get to heaven.

#1 (to #4): how was your marriage? did u cheat on ur wife even once?
#3: Yeah.. 10-15 times
#1: Then you will get to ride a stupid ford when u get to heaven.

#2,3,4 (to #1):What about you? did you ever cheat on your wife?
#1: Never. I had a perfect marriage.
#2,3,4: Then why are you crying?
#1: Because I just saw my wife on a skateboard in heaven.

[kermi3]

Keep it PG please.