Thread: Programming Puns

Cant remember where i got this from....

Real Programmers

Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves
lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.

Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.

Real Programmers don't write application programs; they program right
down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't
do systems programming.

Real Programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't know
how to SPELL quiche. They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan food.

Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you
throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a
few" 30-hour debugging sessions.

Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around
at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.

Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
in BASIC, after the age of 12.

Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't
decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.

Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't
read the listings or the object deck.

Real Programmers only write specs for languages that might run on future
hardware. Noboby trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
will ever be able to fit on a single planet.

Real Programmers spend 70\% of their work day fiddling around and then
get more done in the other 30\% than a user could get done in a week.

Real Programmers are surprised when the odometers in their cars don't
turn from 99999 to 9999A.

Real Programmers are concerned with the aesthetics of their craft; they
will writhe in pain at shabby workmanship in a piece of code.

Real Programmers think they know the answers to your problems, and will
happily tell them to you rather than answer your questions.

Real Programmers never program in COBOL, money is no object.

Real Programmers don't think that they should get paid at all for their
work, but they know that they're worth every penny that they do make.

Real Programmers log in first thing in the morning, last thing before they
go to sleep, and stay logged in for lots of time in between.

Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are after all, the
illerate's form of documentation.

Real Programmers don't use Macs. Computers which draw cute little
pictures are for wimps.

Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the
hallmark of a novice and a coward.

Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for gum chewing twits
who maintain ancient payroll programs.

Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy
engineers who wear white socks. The get excited over finite state analysis
and nuclear reactor simulations.

Real Programmers don't write in Modula-2. Modula-2 is for insecure
analretentives who can't choose between Pascal and COBOL.

Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be
written on one line.

Real Programmers don't write in Lisp. Only effeminate programmers use
more parentheses than actual code.

Real Programmers don't write in Pascal, Ada or any of those other pinko
computer science languages. Strong variable typing is for people with
weak memories.

Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was
invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to think big.

Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them
all in every Real Program. Some candyass architectures won't allow
EXECUTE instructions to address another EXECUTE instruction as the
target instruction. Real Programmers despise petty restrictions.

Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of
course, they are the Chief Programmer.

Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are sometimes
a necessary evil. Managers are good for dealing with personnel bozos,
bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.

Real programmers ignore schedules.

Real Programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending
machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they
don't eat it.

Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.

Real Programmers use C since it's the easiest language to spell.

Real Programmers don't use symbolic debuggers, who needs symbols.

Real Programmers only curse at inanimate objects.

Real Programmers also don't write "User Interfaces". Users have no business interfacing with the professional masterpieces they code. ;)

We all know:
C:\DOS\
C:\DOS\RUN\
RUN\DOS\RUN\

well heres my version

C:\DOS
C;\DOS\RUN\
Bad command or filename

What went wrong!?

Im sorry but this is too good:
Girlfriend 1.0 software

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:

1. A "Don't remind me again" button.

2. Minimize button.

3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

I have way too much time on my hands :-)
The Ten Commandments for C Programmers

1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine.

2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end.

3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it.

4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program.

5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest ``foo'' someone someday shall type ``supercalifragilisticexpialidocious''.

6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for if thou thinkest ``it cannot happen to me'', the gods shall surely punish thee for thy arrogance.

7. Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to re-invent them without cause, that thy code may be short and readable and thy days pleasant and productive.

8. Thou shalt make thy program's purpose and structure clear to thy fellow man by using the One True Brace Style, even if thou likest it not, for thy creativity is better used in solving problems than in creating beautiful new impediments to understanding.

9. Thy external identifiers shall be unique in the first six characters, though this harsh discipline be irksome and the years of its necessity stretch before thee seemingly without end, lest thou tear thy hair out and go mad on that fateful day when thou desirest to make thy program run on an old system.

10. Thou shalt foreswear, renounce, and abjure the vile heresy which claimeth that ``All the world's a VAX'', and have no commerce with the benighted heathens who cling to this barbarous belief, that the days of thy program may be long even though the days of thy current machine be short.

>>Real Programmers only curse at inanimate objects.



Well, I curse at people, too...but the amount of times I've cursed at my computer is probably double.

Top Ten Signs That You Are An Internet Geek
10
When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9
You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends email.
7
You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6
You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5
You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4
You introduce your wife as "my [email protected]e" and refer to your children as "client applications".
3
At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2
After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"


..And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1
Two Words: "Pizza's Here!".


And the evolution of a programmer. http://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/evolution.html

Pens.

Top Ten reasons that COMPUTERS are Male:

10. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on, but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

.....and the number one reason that computers are male.......

1. Size does matter





Top Ten reasons that PROGRAM COMPILERS are Female:

10. Picky, Picky, Picky.

9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

8. Beauty is only shell deep.

7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "Nothing".

6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.

5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.

4. Smalltalk is important.

3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.

2. They make you take the garbage out.

....and the number one reason that compilers are Female....

1. Miss a period and they go wild.

THATS what I was looking for!!!! Where did you get that Pendragon?

I've found it in a few different places:

http://jupiter.spaceports.com/~humour/jokes-top10.html
http://www.steveandarlyn.com/cphumor.html
http://www.uselessfacts.net/humour/

A search engine would have come up with roughly 900 sites for this joke.