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You Got some good Jokes Latley.
Here is one.
A little boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out.."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a glass of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAAAAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a glass of water?"
How many Chinnese people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
...
I uh... don't know.
This is 10 to 1 an old one and very lame!!!
Q: How many programers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem
LMAO yeah oldie but a goodie:)Quote:
Originally posted by biosninja
This is 10 to 1 an old one and very lame!!!
Q: How many programers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem
Here's one:
How many Pollocks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- 3, one to onld the bulb and 2 to spin the ladder.
-Bill
P.S. I'm Polish so don't think i'm bashing Polish peoples.
P.P.S. and i don't want to hear "You're Polish? Ohh, I'm sorry" remarks either:p
nice, although I never heard it!Quote:
Originally posted by biosninja
This is 10 to 1 an old one and very lame!!!
Q: How many programers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem
Maybe people here in computer science department, don't like talking about it!
lmao thats one of those ones u go "nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" and laugh your ass off.....nice one mav
That's cute. :)Quote:
Originally posted by SAMSAM
You Got some good Jokes Latley.
Here is one.
A little boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out.."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a glass of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAAAAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a glass of water?"
q - What do custer and hussein have in common?
a - They both wanted to know where those damn tomahawks were coming from
q - What do little miss piggy and hussein have in common?
a - They both had Kurds(curds) in their way(whey)
q - Why don't they teach sex ed and drivers ed on the same day in arab countries?
a - It wears out the camel
My jokes are far too racist, sexist and just plain obscene to be told here--what can I say, I learned all my jokes from bikers at Super rallys. (hundreds upon hundreds of [mostly harley] bikers camping out with bands and beer bungies, yippe)
>>(hundreds upon hundreds of [mostly harley] bikers camping out with bands and beer bungies, yippe)
Ahhhh bike week :P
ok, heres a dumb joke for math geeks.
a physics guru and math matician are put to a problem solving challenge...
challenge 1: you have a kettle, a working tap and stove. the challenge is to boil water.
phys solution: fill kettle with water, place on hot stove untill it boils.
math guy: same as above.
challenge 2: same as above, except the kettle is given to you already full of water.
phys guy: place kettle on hot stove untill it boils.
math guy: dump the water out of the kettle and proceed with the first solution.
yeah, so its pretty lame. but i heard it from a math prof so what do you expect?
world's shortest books:
Irish Wit and Wisdom.
Jewish Business Ethics.
Italian War Heroes.
Negroes I Have Met While Yachting.
Aboriginal Hygeine Hints.
Adolf Hitler’s Kosher Recipes.
Muslim Pork Dishes.
The Amish Phone Book.
Things I Can`t Afford by Bill Gates.
Great Women Drivers of Today.
The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex.
The Book of Good Australian Beer.
Beauty Secrets by Cathy Freeman.
1 more!
From the WordPerfect Help Desk
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the light is off . and the only light i have comes from
the window."
"Well, turn on the light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that baaad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Edit:
www.YoMama
Yo mama''s so fat, she dont need the internet - she''s already world wide :D
SAMSAM, old but still funny.
lmfao thats a good one, first time i heard it.
Don't make me start telling baby jokes.
>>q - What do little miss piggy and hussein have in common?
>>a - They both had Kurds(curds) in their way(whey)
Great joke...
No dead baby jokes. Even if you try it, I know more, and mine are far far worse.
Microsoft Dinner 98
INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:
mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press
start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the
ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of
the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The
oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to
your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the
dinner from the oven and enter:
ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave
and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your
oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too
large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of
their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must
be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get
thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,
not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
What's the difference between 100 dead babies and a ferarri?Quote:
No dead baby jokes. Even if you try it, I know more, and mine are far far worse.
I don't have a ferarri in my garage
What's red and gets smaller and smaller?
A baby combing itself with a potato peeler
don't forget Sex After 50! (I actually saw this in spencer's...nothign was written in it)Quote:
world's shortest books:
Irish Wit and Wisdom.
Jewish Business Ethics.
Italian War Heroes.
Negroes I Have Met While Yachting.
Aboriginal Hygeine Hints.
Adolf Hitler’s Kosher Recipes.
Muslim Pork Dishes.
The Amish Phone Book.
Things I Can`t Afford by Bill Gates.
Great Women Drivers of Today.
The Complete Guide to Catholic Sex.
The Book of Good Australian Beer.
Beauty Secrets by Cathy Freeman.
those jokes r messed up silv haha
Q: What do you call something thats goes up and down the whole time?
A: An up and downer.
Q: What do you call something that goes left and right the whole time?
A: An up and downer that fell over.
I seriously doubt that. At any rate, no dead baby jokes, please...Quote:
Originally posted by blackrat364
No dead baby jokes. Even if you try it, I know more, and mine are far far worse.
Blonde War Protester!
That is SO photoshopped, but amusing never the less.
lmao
::falls over::
lol
here;s another one
How can you tell if an Irishman is present at a cock fight?
He enters a duck.
How can you tell if a Pole is present?
He bets money on the duck.
How can you tell if an Italian is present?
The duck wins.
so these three lesbian blondes went into the woods for a camp out. They had a steak or some meaty thing to eat, but only two knew about it (no, not sexual meat). The one that didn't know aboiut it went to poop in the woods. She had fun. the other two thought it would be cool to put the dead meat behind her to scare her, so they did. They went back to the tent giggling their heads off for like ten minutes. Finally the third pooping lesbian came back and said "I pooped so hard my guts came out, but with the grace of god and these two fingers I shoved them back in!"
--- Baking Cake ----
A little kid was walking through the zoo with his mom and he noticed 2 bears mating in a cage.
So, he asked his mom, "Mommy, what are those 2 bears doing in there?"
His mom replied, "Baking case hunny."
The kid was satisfied and continued on with his mom. They made it to the park, and there was a quiet couple making love on a bench.
The kid once again, asked his mom, "Mommy, what are those 2 people doing on that bench over there?"
"They're baking cake sweetie", she replied.
They finish their walk for the day and head home. Early in the morning the next day, the kid wakes up, and walks out to the kitchen where his mom is.
He asks her, "Mommy..last night, when you and dad were on the couch....were you baking cake???"
A little embarassed, she answers, "Yes sweety, we were.....but why do you want to know?"
He answers:
Because I licked all the frosting off. :D
--- Vampire Tea ---
3 vampires walk into a bar. They all sit down and the bartender comes over to get their orders. The first one says that he wants a bloody mary. The second one says he wants the bartender to make that 2 bloody marys. The 3rd one just asks for a glass of hot water. The bartender is confused....but gets all of their drinks ready anyhow.
The bartender comes back with their drinks...
While he's serving them he says, "OK...OK, I think I got it now. You guys are all vampires! But...you *points to the 3rd vampire(glas of hot water vampire)*....you confuse me. You see, you all look like each other....raggady dark clothing, pale skin, higeine problems. You first 2 guys, wanted a bloody mary - that makes sense. However, you *points to 3rd vampire* only wanted a glass of hot water....why?"
That's when the 3rd vampire pulls out a used tampon and yells, TEA TIME!