Snl

I got this from my friend last night---

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.' Jack Handey

any other funny things you know from SNL?

Others from Jack Handley:
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.

How come the dove gets to be the piece symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have the dangerous beak.

I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same guy, and I'll tell you why: Both fly, both wear red, and both have a beard.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the buring fuse up to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say. 'That's dynamite, baby.'

Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every one in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was to go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered they were not Indians at all, but dirty clothes hampers.

It's really a tragedy that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.