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a hunter had just killed a deer, he came home with it, and his wife was cooking part of it for Sunday dinner.
his kids were fussy eaters so he didn't tell his kids what it was they were eating.
but his son kept pestering him...
"whats for supper, daddy??"
eventually he gives in...
"well, heres a clue, its what your mummy sometimes calls me "
"OH MY GOD" his daughter pipes up, "WERE EATING ARSEHOLE!!"
This is the cleanest thing I could find on my HD :)
HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd DRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at
passing cars to see if they slow down.
2) Pagey ourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
3) Insist that your e mail address be:
'[email protected]' or
'[email protected]'
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised
chair dancing.
6) Put your waste bin on your desk and label it 'IN.' (This is a
'must do')
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
10) Finish all your sentences with "In a nutshell."
11) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level
lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
12) Dont use any punctuation
13) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
14) Ask people what sex they are.
15) Specify that your drive through order is "to go."
16) Sing along at the opera.
17) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
18) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is specially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
19) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me in the next 20 minutes, I'll be in the toilet."
20) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party 'cause you're not in the mood.
21) Walk around grinning widely at everybody for no apparent reason and
burst out laughing every time they enter the room but refuse to say why.
22) Rearrange all the furniture/desks etc when no one else is around and
hide all the pens/calculators/important documents etc.
These are definite "must tries", especially with tomorrow being Friday!Quote:
1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at
passing cars to see if they slow down.
2) Pagey ourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
9) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
10) Finish all your sentences with "In a nutshell."
Just did 6. As soon as I type this I heading to the office across the hall to start on 22.Quote:
6) Put your waste bin on your desk and label it 'IN.' (This is a
'must do')
22) Rearrange all the furniture/desks etc when no one else is around and hide all the pens/calculators/important documents etc.
Whoever said work can't be fun!?
I bet this will get deleted but Ill give it a try.
/* You were right. Edited for content by Mod. ... sorry. */
I have more like that but its probly not worth typing stuff thats gonna get deleted.
:D
oh no !! my threads gone !!!!!:)
muttski, you just killed this thread! :rolleyes:
any married guys here ???
Marriage... a Man’s Perspective
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was... Always.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him and said, “Man, I wish I had your willpower.”
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Dont worry some mod is gonna find my post and delete it.
Theres this guy from the country and he decideds to go to the city, hes like damn I gotta get me some pussy, so he trys to find a wh,ore house, but all he finds is a place called "horney house", he goes in and this guys like well we dont have any chicks right now but heres a chicken for now, hes like damn, oh well Ill do the chicken. Next week he comes back and hes in a room with a bunsh of people all looking through a glass window at a couple of lesbians ..........ing, hes like wow, this is great and a guy next to him says this is nothing, last week we saw some guy doing a chicken. :D
Lets try to keep the really raunchy stuff off so that we can keep this going.
.
.
.
A woman went to the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor took a
blood sample and told her to return in one week for the results.
One week later, she and her husband returned to the doctor's office. The
doctor took the husband aside and told him, "Sir, I'm afraid I have some
bad news. We accidentally mixed your wife's blood sample with another
patient's and we have no idea whose is whose. The bad news is one has
Alzheimer's disease, and the other has AIDS. I want you to come back in
another week and by then I should have it all sorted out.
The man looked scared and said, "That's terrible, doc, what should I do
until then?"
"Well, when you're driving home today, drop her off two blocks away
from your house... if she makes it home, don't have sex with her!"
:D hey i like that one LAD
heres another one for the girlies -
a farmer and his wife were at the cattle auction.
surveying the first bull, the woman says "look, it says here that he mated 50 times in a year, thats impressive!"
they proceeded to the 2nd bull, and his sign said "This bull mated 65 times last year " the wife turns to her husband and said "thats more than 5 times a month-you could learn a lot from him"
proceeding to the next bull, his sign said "mated 365 times last year"
the wifes mouth dropped open and she said "wow, once a day, you could really learn from him!!"
the husband simply said
"Go up to the owner and ask if that was 365 times with the same old cow !!"
Very nice stevey, and I'm glad you liked my first one jdinger :)
And on to the next one, anyone own a cat - this could be his/her diary??
DAY 659 My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The
only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I
may eat another houseplant.
DAY 662 Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their
bed.
DAY 669 Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving,
incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 681 Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to
make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Not working according to plan.
DAY 688 I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was
chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy
chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My
only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 690 There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed
in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly
I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must
learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 699 I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches.
The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant.
He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and
speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his
current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it
is only a matter of time.
i have experience of cats, so i like that !!!!:)
heres a rather old joke, but i really like it....
an old lady went to see her doctor.
"doctor, you must help me. i have bad flatulance. luckily it is always soundless, and they never smell, but it is still embarrassing. i have farted 5 times already since i came into your office"
the doc smirked and wrote out a prescription, and told her to come back when she's finished the course of treatment.
a week later she came back and angrily said..
"what kind of quack are you???? the problem is just as bad, it is still soundless but my farts smell terrible now. !!!"
"don't you worry madam" the doc replied "now that we've cleared your sinuses, we'll try to improve your hearing "
*cough* This is getting close to the 'ish' in clean(ish)... ;) I censored it down a bit.
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she
had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with
her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise
of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang,
the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went
to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang
said, "OK, take off arr you crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder
side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery
fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your
probrem vewy bad - you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse
case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Terrified, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang,
what is Ed Zachary Disease?
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,
"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary
rike your arse."
I liked the cat diary. My daughter and I got a kick out of that one ( she loves cats ).
Stevey, just where does one learn 101 old-people fart jokes? :D
:D youve guessed !!! they are in my 101 great fart jokes book !!!Quote:
Originally posted by jdinger
I liked the cat diary. My daughter and I got a kick out of that one ( she loves cats ).
Stevey, just where does one learn 101 old-people fart jokes? :D
does anyone elses cats do that horrible thing where they eat half a mouse(the back half) then leave the rest under your dining room chair??
i dunno if its an offering or something, but ive tried to explain to puddy cat that i don't eat raw mouse !!!
heres one from my Dirty Joke book, one of my faves, it is an oldy but goody.....
a guy was sat in his garden, drinking beer and listening to football on his radio.
as he was relaxing, his wife was struggling to push a large lawnmower round his garden.
his new neighbour was watching this for 10 minutes or so, and could stand it no longer..
"how can you sit there sipping your pint while your poor wife slaves away like that??? YOU SHOULD BE BLOODY WELL HUNG !!"
the guy just looks at him, shrugs his shoulders and replies...
"i am pal, thats why she's doing the lawn !"
but you'd eat a cooked one right?Quote:
Originally posted by stevey
...i don't eat raw mouse !!!
Anyway I have been searching my hard drive again and this I what I found this time, its a shame they have to be clean-ish :(
Questions and Answers in Court
Compiled by a client of the Salt Lake City law firm of Johnson & Hatch, the
following questions and answers from court were taken from official court
records.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness,
isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
A: Four times.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.
Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.
Right thats enough, I've got too many of them :D
you can never have too much of these type of things !!
You pussys, mine was the only one that they censored.
I hope nobody gets offended by the odd religious gag but I had to show you this one :)
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After
mass
he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the
monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he
got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to
his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and
Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was
stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat
it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
I'm just reading some pregnancy jokes so you might get some of them later as well....
Two hundred year old twins were having their photo taken to mark the rare occurrence of their joint longevity.
The photographer asked them to move a bit closer. "You'll have to speak up...", remarked one of the twins, "...we're almost deaf". The photographer shouts "MOVE CLOSER", and after some discussion the twins oblige.
Realising that he needs to move closer to focus properly, the photographer mutters "I'm moving in to focus". One of the twins puts a hand to her ear and asks the photographer to repeat. The photographer does this , but is still unable to make himself understood to the deafer twin. Her sister tries to help out, "HE'S MOVING CLOSER TO FOCUS".
"What, both of us?" replies her sister.
y do i have a feeling that this thread will be deleted after a few more posts just like the last "JOKE" thread...., I could be worng though cause noone has complained yet like last time about some of the 'content' of the thread:)
I might get that last one...But I'm not quite sure...
is the deafer twin supposed to hear "He's moving closer to ........ us"?
...oh...and don't edit that out, mods...I'm getting a point across and I know that explaining a joke wouldn't offend anyone...
Yep, I suppose it depends on your accent as to how well it may translate.
back to the clean jokes...
Questions and answers for parents: Everything you need to know about
Childbirth
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline
irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal
again?
A: When the kids are in college.
2 joke threads ...i'm focusing spoilt for choice !
a man with terrible headaches went to a doc.
the doc said he had a very good painkiller, it was a slow release one and came as a suppository.
the guy thought it was an odd way to administer a painkiller, but didn't argue.
the doc said he would administer the treatment immediately, but he could continue the rest at home.
he asked the guy to drop his pants and warned him it may hurt.
he then proceeded to insert the suppository up the guys bottom.
finally he gave the man a prescription for some more suppositories.
the next day the guy asks his wife to help him insert the medicine, so she put one hand on his shoulder to stop him moving too much and with the other inserted the suppository..
suddenly the man cried out....
"OOHHH NOOOOO, OH MY GOD !!!!"
"oh i'm so sorry sweetie" his wife said "i didn't mean to hurt you"
"you didn't " he replied, "ive just realised something......when the doctor did that, he had both hands on my shoulders !!!!!"
dirty!!!:eek: :eek:
okay,
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
I have lots of these, I'm sure you've seen some of them:
These are stories from 'computer' help desks around the
country.
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my
annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new use of
a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and
was calling from a neighbour's. She had just received her first system
error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning
that the computer was going to blow up.
--------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop"
Customer: "OK"
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No"
Tech Support: "Ok. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No"
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click." (At this
point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support
staff
what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got
back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"
----------------------------------------------
One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries
on her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the
manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2000 for this damn thing,
and I'm not going to read the book."
-----------------------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting
the same error massage."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
------------------------------------------------
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you have done"
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'"
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me waht it says"
Customer: "IT says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'"
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk"
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS Word?"
Customer: "No ...."
----------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------
Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open th ebox"
Tech Support:" Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go
from there"
Customer:"Uhhh....ok, thanks"
-------------------------------------------
I don't want this tread to die!!!!!!
it might be old, but i like it!
Quote:
Killed the Pig
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his
driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had
happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes all ripped and torn. "What happend to you?" asked Bill. "Well, the
Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old
daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell
them?" asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I
just killed the pig."
:D true, cant have too many joke threads...........
a blonde told her friend she was planning to go to the middle east on holiday.
this surprised her friend..
"what the hell do you want to go there for ???" her friend asked
"well" she replied "i have just been reading an article in a magazine, apparently the favourite pastime for arabs on a saturday night is to sit beneath a palm tree eating their dates !! "
:)
Stevey, that was just bad... :(
You let me down, Bro! All the rest were riots.
:p
well i liked it !!!
ok see if you like this...its a bit old but u might not have heard it..
a very elegantly dressed middle aged lady walked into a tatoo shop in America and sat in the queue.
the owner was surprised, she wasn't like his usual clientele.
when it was her turn, he asked her what he could do for her.
to his surprise she lifted her dress up and said
"i want a tattoo of a turkey on my right thigh, and underneath it i want u to write the word Thanksgiving. On my left thigh i want a picture of a pine tree with tinsel & lights on, and underneath write the word Christmas "
the owner was very surprised at this most unuisual request and asked her why on earth she wanted that doing.
the lady turned to him and answered...
"i'm f***ing sick of him complaining that theres nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas !!!"
ok see if you like this ->Quote:
Originally posted by jdinger
Stevey, that was just bad... :(
You let me down, Bro! All the rest were riots.
a married couple had just woken up one morning. the wife said to her hubby "i had the strangest dream last night, i dreamt that willies were being auctioned. the big long ones sold for $100 and the thick ones went for $85"
"oh" said her hubby, "and how much did ones like mine sell for???"
"they gave those ones away" she replied.
he was naturally annoyed by this so he turned to his wife....
"i had a dream last night too. in my dream they auctioned pussy's...the pretty ones went for $1000, and the tight ones went for $1200 "
the wife asked "and how much did ones like mine cost ??"
the husband smirked and said.......
"that is where they held the auction !!!!"
Stevey, my friend, you have redeemed yourself! :D
:D the dirty ones are the funniest !!!!!Quote:
Originally posted by jdinger
Stevey, my friend, you have redeemed yourself! :D
I'll tell you, Stevey, without your posts my work day would go much slower. :D
Keep 'em coming!
3 old gits in a retirement home...
the first one's whinging.....
"ggggrrrr....every morning at about 5 o'clock i wake up wanting to take a ..........i stand there about 30 minutes and hardly anything comes...."
the second one says.....
"thats nothing.....every morning round about 6 o clock, i wake up wanting to take a crap, and i have to sit there groaning and pushing for ages to get a bowel motion going......"
the third one says...
"ha...you guys think you've got problems....every morning at about 7 o clock i ........ like a horse and crap like a pig!!"
the other guys look at him and ask "what the hells wrong with that, thats good isn't it ????"
he says...
"no it isn't.....not when you don't wake up till 8 !!!"
:D
a young lad and his grandfather were sat in the garden together.
they watched an earthworm crawl out of its hole and crawl along.
the little boy said "grandpa...i bet i can get that worm back into its hole"
"you won't be able to "said grandpa " its too limp and wriggly !, i'll bet you £5 you can't"
the littleboy ran back inside and came out with a can of hairspray. he sprayed the worm till it was straight and stiff as a board, then slotted the worm back into the hole.
grandpa watched this, and grinning gave the lad his £5, grabbed the hairspray and went back into the house.
30 minutes later he came back out and gave £5 to the boy. the little boy, thinking his old grandpappy was forgetful said honestly..."its ok grandpa, you already gave me £5"
"i know son " grandpa said " this is from your grandmother"
:)
Thats quite a collection you have Stevey, it must be time for me to post another great one :D
A Girls Prayer
Lord
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash,won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say,when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall,the loo,the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the wanker you sent me instead.
Amen.
A Boy's Prayer:
Lord
I pray for a lady with big tits.
:D
that prayer is brilliant !!!!!
myself i pray to meet a woman who would like to have sex more than 3/4 times a month !!
anyway.....this may be over the line a bit !!.....
an Alaskan man was driving down an Alaskan road in appalling weather conditions when his car broke down. he phoned the Alaskan break down service and a mechanic arrived. the mechanic took a look under the bonnet (hood), looks at him and said "it looks as if you've blown a seal "
the guy replies offended "no i haven't, its just the frost on my moustache "
he hee :eek:
joke...
a couple had just immigrated to canada the man did not know any english at all but his wife knew a very little. now he wanted to go out for a walk, so he asked his wife to tell him some wnglish words. his wife told him that if anyone asks him anything, just say "yes"
he went for a walk. he came across a boxing champion. the champ asked him if he wanted to challenge him. he said yes and the champ knocked him out in one punch.
he came home with a black eye and told his wife the whole story. his wife told him to never say "yes" again and that he should say "no" to everyone.
a couple days later he went for a walk again. again he met the boxing champ. the champ asked him if he remebered the last punch and if he was scared of the champ. he said no. the champ yelled "this will remind you" and he knocked him out again.
this time his wife told him to say "that's too bad" to everyone. the third time he went walking the champ was sitting on a bench and was looking very happy. the champ told him that he just had a baby boy. he said that's too bad, and the champ beat him up again...
this time his wife told him to say "good for you". he went out for another walk and for the fourth time, he met the champ. the champ was sad and he told him that his mother suddenly died and he replied "good for you".
you know the rest
[pow]@$@$ [whack]$%$%@ [thud]
Mr. Bush, dont be offended
Due to an error in the time-space continuum, Einstien, Picasso and George Bush came to the gates of heaven at the same time.
The Angel at the gates of heaven said,"I cannot let you in unless you prove that you are Einstein, Picasso and Bush. You have no idea how many people are trying to get in pretending to be you guys.
Einstien said,"Can i have a chalk board and a piecce of chalk?". The Angel got the with a snap. Einstien did complex math problems and physics equations on the board. The Angel said,"You have proven yourself; you may enter."
Next, Picasso said,"Can i use that board and chalk?" The Angel replied,"Go ahead, use it." Picasso did some great paintings on the chalk board and amazed the Angel. He let Picasso in.
Next Bush came up. The Angel said,"Einstein and Picasso have proven themselves. How are you gonna prove that you are George Bush?" Puzled, Bush asked,"Who are Einstein and Picasso?" To this the Angel replied," Okay George, you have proven yourself"
:) Egyptians don't be offended !!
why are camels called "ships of the desert" ???
because they are full of Egyptian semen
:eek:
crap (but good ) jokes ->
Q whats the diff between a toad and a horny toad
A one says "ribbit" the other says "rub it"
Q why does a man's willy have a hole in it
A so he can be open-minded
Q how do you confuse an archaeologist
A give them a tampon and ask what period it came from
Q what does a virgin and a balloon have in common
A one little prick and its all over
Q whats the diff between a woman and a washing machine
A you can bung your load in a washing m/c and it won't keep calling you
Q whats an old woman got between her boobs that a young girl hasn't
A a navel
Q what does a bull do to keep warm
A goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm Jersey
Q whats got 100 balls and screws old ladies
A bingo
oh i'm off to bed.................................
jet master, the joke should have bush ask for a pretzel.:D
kinf of like the one" whats long, hard, and full of s****n. A submarineQuote:
Originally posted by stevey
:) Egyptians don't be offended !!
why are camels called "ships of the desert" ???
because they are full of Egyptian semen
:eek:
/*nice try *g* -nv, mod */
/*nice try *g* -nv, mod */
stevey: Are you male or female???
and how old are you???
Yesterday, in New York, a guy said, "George Bush is an idiot!!"
The State fined him $1000 -
$10 for abusing the President and
$990 for revealing a state secret...
lol
]Quote:
Originally posted by Unregistered
stevey: Are you male or female???
and how old are you???
33 years old, hence where my profile says 33 y/o.
male, hence the name stevey NOT stephie, steffie or stevie, and steve NOT stephanie.
why, you don't fancy me do you sweetie pie ????:)
whats the last thing "tickle me elmo" receives before he leaves the toy factory??
two test tickles.
:)
i would like to be involve with this one :
seriously stevey are you a male or a female ? or both?
:) see the thread !!!Quote:
Originally posted by hermit
i would like to be involve with this one :
seriously stevey are you a male or a female ? or both?
What does Snoop Dog use to clean his laundry?
Bleotch
/* Edited for content by Moderator - keep it clean or it has to go away... */
Slightly surreal joke.............
A duck walks into a pub and heads straight for the bar. He asks the barman, "Have you got any bread?"
"No sorry, we don't sell bread."
"Have you got any bread?"
"No, I just told you, we don't have any bread."
"Aw right then. What about bread? Do you have any bread?"
"Look you stupid little duck, I don't have any bread! And if you ask me for it one more time, I'm going to nail your beak to this bar!"
The duck pauses to think. "Have you got any nails?"
"No."
"Have you got any bread?"
Two aliens land in the middle of the Australian outback , near a recently abandoned gas station. The first alien goes up to the gas pump (which he assumes is an earthling) and says, "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump doesn't say anything (naturally). The alien gets annoyed and demands again, "Take me to your leader!!" When the gas pump still doesn't reply, the alien gets mad and tells the pump that if he doesn't start talking, he will blast him...
At this point the second alien nervously interrupts, "Err, Sir, I don't think you should ......"... But the first alien will not be deterred and he blasts away. There is a huge explosion and after the smoke clears, the blackened aliens discover themselves lying 100 yards away from their destroyed space ship...
"You see, Sir", said the second alien, "I didn't think it would be a wise idea to mess around with a guy who can wrap his dick around his waist and stick it in his ear!"
:)
Moderators would it be acceptable to post dirty jokes as an attachment, with a disclaimer?
And if so .......stevey I know you have more...
OK this one is stupid......
A blond, brunette and red head are trapped on top of a two story building, which happens to be burring down.
The fire department comes and carries out a large blanket for the ladies to jump into.
First the red head jumps. Suddenly the fireman move and she hits the ground.
Then the brunette screams, "I'm about to jump don't move"
She does so and the move. Splat...she hits the ground.
Then the blond yells, "OK. I'm not that dumb. DROP the blanket..............
/**/
True story..If i can find the site I'll post it.
Two dudes are going home after a long day of hunting.
When they get to their truck the lights go out.
the driver says "DAMN!!! its dark as hell and the fuse just went out."
SO his buddy, whom has just started on his sixth beer says put this in it. It will work."
He hands the driver a . 22 caliber round. The driver places the round in the fuse slot and continued down the road. Suddenly the ammunition goes off and clips the drives left testicle, thus causing him to swerve off the road into a group of large trees.
HAHA found it.
www.darwinawards.com
Quote:
Taken from the above stated site.
What's a Darwin?
Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool
by removing themselves from it in really stupid ways.
here is a sample
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are blamed for the death of a man killed by his own gas. There were no marks found on his body, but an autopsy revealed the presence of a large quantity of methane dissolved in his blood. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage, a combination of foods known for producing severe gas attacks. It appeared that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had his windows been open, the flatulence wouldn't have been fatal, but the man was shut up in a nearly airtight bedroom. He was an obese man with an unlimited capacity for creating the deadly gas that earned him notoriety as a Darwin Awards winner.
:D good grief !!! good job he didn't smoke, could have blown up half the building !!
Darwin awards are classic, i love that site.
old fart joke ->
a red indian chief has a problem passing wind and is incapacitated with pain, so sends Son Number One to the white doc, since their medicine man has been unable to help.
the son arrives at the quacks and says "Big Chief No Fart" in his best English.
the doc gives the son some laxatives.
but next day the son arrives again "Big Chief, Still No Fart", more laxatives, and again the next day.
eventually the doc gives the son the strongest tablets hes got, and instructs the son to give them his father.
the next day, the doc can hear a commotion at the indian camp and goes for a look.
he sees the eldest son, and he's decked out in warpaint and feathers. "whats happening" he asks him.
the son replies "Big Fart No Chief!"
This 68 year old American multi millionaire widow decides she would like to remarry. She asks her laywers to search for a single 21 year old white man with rugged good looks, a golden smile and above all he must be a virgin.
These being liberated times with sexual favours being given at a very young age, the only guy they can come up with who fits the description is an Australian stockman named Novacaine
The laywers make the proposal to Novacaine and soon he is jetting off to New York to meet and marry his new bride.
The ceremony goes off without a hitch and they hurry back to the penthouse honeymoon suite where the wife suggests that he gets things ready for their marriage consumation while she goes to powders her nose and slips into something more comfortable.
When she returns to the living room some minutes later, she is surprised to find all the furniture piled up in one corner of the room and the carpets are rolled up with only bare boards in the middle of the floor.
The woman says "what are you doing, aren't we going to make love?".
Novacaine replies "well as you know I aint ever made love to a woman before but if it's anything like a kangaroo were going to need all the room we can get!"
:D
A man with 3 girlfriends finally decides to settle down but doesn't know which one to choose for marriage. He gave each of then $5000 and waits and sees what they do with it.
The first spent all $5000 for clothes on herself. She wanted to look pretty for her man.
The second spent all the money on the man because he deserves it.
The third invested the money and made more than enough to spend on the both of them and even enough to save for possible kids in the future.
So which one does he choose . . .
The one with the biggest t-its of course.
a guy went to the doctor because he had a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bottom.
having showed it to the doctor, he asked "is it bad ???"
"i'm afraid so" the doc replied "thats just the tip of the Iceberg..."
Thoughts...
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.
There's no future in time travel.
Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
A day without sunshine is like night.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Death is hereditary.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon!
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A good pun is its own reword.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
To err is human, to moo bovine.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
There's an exception to every rule, except this one.
ok last joke......
[offensive Royal Family joke]
the queen mum, having recently died, goes to heaven.
there she sees Lady Diana...
LD " hello you old bat, i thought i'd see you here soon !"
QM "well i lived longer than you !! take that Merc off your face!!"
QM "and what's with the halo, you weren't no angel!!"
LD " thats not a halo, its a steering wheel!!"
:D
no offense, ma'am...rest in peace....
heh heh
they remind me of a similar joke
what did dodi say to diana as they drove through the tunnel?
Shall we go back to mine or do you want to crash here.