How to kill a dragon with various programming languages
Just got a funny article from one of my mailing list. Enjoy... :D
*How to kill a dragon with various programming languages*
*This funny text comes from Ibon from the dream team who got it from a
There's a beautiful princess, prisoner in the highest tower of a castle,
guarded by a mighty dragon, and a fearless knight must rescue her…
This is how each language would manage to rescue the princess from the hands
of the dragon
- *Java* - Gets there, finds the dragon, develops a framework for
dragon anihilation with multiple layers, writes several articles about the
framework… But doesn't kill the dragon.
- *.NET* - Gets there, sees the idea of the Java developer and copies
it. Tries to kill the dragon, but the monster eats him.
- * C *- Arrives, looks down at the dragon, pulls out his sword,
beheads the dragon, finds the princess… And ignores her to see the last
checkins of linux kernel cvs.
- *C++* - Creates a basic needle, and gathers funcionality until he
has a complex sword that he can barely understand… He kills the dragon, but
gets stuck crossing the bridge because of memory leaks.
- *COBOL *- Arrives, sees the dragon and thinks that he is too old to
kill a monster that big and rescuing the princess, so he leaves.
- *Pascal *- He prepares for 10 years to create a dragon anihilation
system… When the moment comes, he discovers the program can only take
lizards as an entry.
- *VB *- Builds a dragon destruction weapon based on several
components, jumps to the back of the dragon and in the most critical time he
discovers that the sword works only on rainy nights…
- *PL/SQL* - Gets data from other dragon slayers, creates tables with
n ternary complexity relations, tridimensional data, OLAP, takes 15 years to
process the information… And by then, the princess became a lesbian.
- *Ruby *- Arrives with massive fame, saying he is the best at
anything and when he faces the dragon, he shows a lame motion picture of
himself killing a dragon… The dragon eats him out of boredom.
- *Smalltalk *- Arrives, analyzes the dragon and princess, turns
around and leaves, they are way too inferior.
- * shell *- Creates a very powerful dragon slaying weapon… But in the
moment of truth, he can't remember how to use it.
- *shell(2)*- The guy approaches the dragon with a two line script
that kills, cuts, disembowels, impales, chops to pieces and packs the beast,
but when he runs it the script grows, it fattens, irritates and puts alcohol
in the fire of the dragon…
- *Assembler *- He thinks he's doing the right and most efficient
things… But he writes an A instead of a D and kills the princess to end up
f***ing the dragon.
- *Fortran *- Arrives and develops a 45-thousand-code-line-solution,
kills the dragon, meets the princess… But she calls him a weakling and runs
after the Java programmer who was elegant, and also rich.
- *FOX PRO *- Develops a dragon killing system. It's gorgeous and
works on the outside, but it's really patched inside, so when he runs the
dragon anihilator, he realizes he forgot to index the DBFs.
- *PROCESS ANALYST* - Approaches the dragon with two tons of
documentation, develops the unified dragon-killing process, he develops a
DFD to free the princess and marry her, convinces the dragon that it's the
best for him and it won't hurt. When he executes the process, he estimates
the effort and the damage he will cause with a plan signed by the Pope,
Buddha and Michael Jackson. Then he buys a couple of nukes, 45 cannons, an
aircraft carrier and hires 300 heavily armed men… When all he needed was the
sword he was holding in his hand in the beginning…
- *CLIPPER*: Sets up a routine that loads a codeblock array to insult
the dragon, serenade the princess, load the sword in memory, beat the crap
out of the dragon, clean the mess, prepare a raspberry milkshake for the
princess, make love to her, take a bath, start the car, put it some gas and
come back home. When he runs it, he gets a "Bound Error: Array Access" and
the dragon eats him with fries.
- *Lisp*, where the famous knight-errant, after speaking with numerous
experts in dragon-killing, and modeling the knowledge they posess, he
programs the system, and when he runs it he realizes he forgot a bracket
(bender the offender).
- *HTML*: Mounts a web on famous swords used to kill dragons, but he
ignores the W3C standards. When he meets the dragon, he finds out the code
isn't compatible with his browser, so he's left swordless. The dragon eats
him as an appetizer.
- *Prolog*: Thinks he needs a weapon to kill the dragon. Searches in a
catalog for 182014 weapons. By the time the princess dies of her age, he's
achieved to know how to make every weapon starting with A: Atomic Bombs,
Anti-Air Weapons, Arches, Ammunition, Axes...
- *PHP*: Creates a web page that when he executes it would eliminate
the $dragon selecting from a weapons databese in MySQL over an Apache
server. Nevertheless he forgot the WHERE in the DELETE query and kills the
princess, the dragon, the peasants, the witch, the sorceror and the
that spits fire throug his mouth. He creates a script that will delete the
dragon when he loads a webpage, to create seconds after, some damsels to
throw him flowers and make clapping sounds. Unfortunately he didn't take
into account the DOM structure of the lizard, also known as Mozilla, and the
only thing he gets is to fill his console of errors and that the Book of
Mozilla tells how he was devoured.
- *ActiveX*: The programmers create a tunnel to enter the dragon's
lair from the castle and run a program that will kil the dragon from a safe
and prudential distance. The dragon discovers the tunnel, eats the workers
who dug, the dragon slayers, and enslaves every servant in the castle. The
castle becomes a dragon-breeding place, full of little dragons that the
dragon sends in pop-ups to other castles. The untasty remains of the knights
are put in cans of Spam and sent to other castles as well as a warning.
- *Basic*. He creates a weapon able to kill paper dragons, but no
matter how they improve it, they discover it's not good enough to kill any
dragon bigger than a baby poodle.
- *Matlab*: They create a loop that calculates the trajectories to
shoot a giant arrow at the dragon. The program works flawlessly. What they
need now are the voluntaries caoable to launch tha arrow with the necessary
strength and accuracy.
- *Videogame Programmer* : Spends two years programming a
state-of-the-art sword with shaders and all. When the time comes to kill the
dragon, he finds that half the knights aren't strong enough to raise the
sword. Then someone programs a patch that reveals the sex scenes with the
princess and Hillary Clinton makes it a scandal.