chuckle

This is a discussion on chuckle within the A Brief History of Cprogramming.com forums, part of the Community Boards category; From a guy who bought his lovely wife a "pocket taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend, I saw something at ...

  1. #1
    Registered User Jaqui's Avatar
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    Talking chuckle

    From a guy who bought his lovely wife a "pocket taser" for their
    anniversary.

    Last weekend, I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn that sparked my
    interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
    little something extra for my wife, Toni. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

    The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
    long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
    to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

    To make a long story short, I bought the device and took it home.

    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
    Nothing! ZAP

    I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
    pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
    arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
    Awesome!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burned spot is on
    the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only AAA batteries. right?!?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
    little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
    really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
    must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
    and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

    But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
    against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
    advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    hand, taser in the other. The directions indicated that a one-second
    burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
    supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
    three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
    ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
    would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little
    device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
    pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries)
    thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
    best.....

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
    side, as to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
    from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad..

    I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

    HOLY MOTHER! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

    (bleep, expletive, bleep) _!@$$!%!@*_

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
    up in the recliner, then body- slammed us both on the carpet, over and
    over and over again.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
    in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
    be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
    and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing
    sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking
    to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
    note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
    zap yourself.

    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
    by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

    A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

    SON-OF-A-BUCK, that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
    sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
    (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
    they up and get there???

    My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face
    felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
    88 lbs.

    I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward
    for their safe return.

    Still in shock,
    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff Henager
    If the average user can put a CD in and boot the system and follow the prompts, he can install and use Linux. If he can't do that simple task, he doesn't need to be around technology.

  2. #2
    Registered /usr
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    If it's that "shocking", it must get through a pack of batteries every mugger.

  3. #3
    carry on JaWiB's Avatar
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    It would probably be a good idea to empty your bladder before doing something like that.

    Did you tell your wife you "tested" it on yourself? I bet the laugh she'd get would be as good of a present as the taser hehe
    "Think not but that I know these things; or think
    I know them not: not therefore am I short
    Of knowing what I ought."
    -John Milton, Paradise Regained (1671)

    "Work hard and it might happen."
    -XSquared

  4. #4

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    That is way too long to read.
    I'm not immature, I'm refined in the opposite direction.

  5. #5
    Ecologist
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    Quote Originally Posted by SMurf
    If it's that "shocking", it must get through a pack of batteries every mugger.
    Hehe. You're not complaining about the battery life of
    a taser are you? It's not like someone (that isn't a prostitute)
    is going to have to regularly purchase batteries for these
    things. One pack of batters will last you months.

    I would never get my wife a weapon for any occassion.
    I'm obnoxious, and I could just see her electrifrying me...
    or spraying me in the face with pepper spray...

    Or stabbing me in the throat with a fork while I'm playing
    video games.

    There'll be no utensils in my house, either.
    Staying away from General.

  6. #6
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    Well I wouldn't know, as they're illegal in my country. If you managed to seperate a police officer from their CS canister, you could in theory use that legally, otherwise it's best to squeal like a girl when faced with a ruffian.

    My main point was regarding the stepping up of two 1.5V batteries to "100,000" volts.

  7. #7
    Mayor of Awesometown Govtcheez's Avatar
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    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taser
    The internal circuits of most stun-guns are fairly simple, either based on an oscillator, resonant circuit and step-up transformer or diode-capacitor voltage multipliers to achieve the continuous, direct or alternating high-voltage discharge may be powered by one or more 9 V battery depending on manufacturer, and model. The output voltages without external "load" (which would be the target's body) can range from 50 kV up to 900 kV, with the most common being in the 200–300 kV range.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by SMurf
    otherwise it's best to squeal like a girl when faced with a ruffian.

    .
    It's pronounced, Russian.
    Staying away from General.

  9. #9
    Registered User Jaqui's Avatar
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    I would never get my wife a taser.. a violet wand yes but not a taser.

    This is a joke, that is supposedly going around in email.
    The funniest thing is, I know people who would do something like tase themselves, even after they have read this.
    [ I made sure one of them read it last night...give it a month and he'll be tasing himself. > ]
    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff Henager
    If the average user can put a CD in and boot the system and follow the prompts, he can install and use Linux. If he can't do that simple task, he doesn't need to be around technology.

  10. #10
    Slave MadCow257's Avatar
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    ahh, over at techrepublic

  11. #11
    Registered User kryptkat's Avatar
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    So you were just tasing us?

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