HowTo (give your cat a pill)

This is a discussion on HowTo (give your cat a pill) within the A Brief History of Cprogramming.com forums, part of the Community Boards category; 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby ...

  1. #1
    Normal vector Carlos's Avatar
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    Unhappy HowTo (give your cat a pill)

    1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

    2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

    3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

    4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

    5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

    6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

    7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

    8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

    9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

    10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

    11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

    12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

    13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

    14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.

    15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

    16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

    17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

    18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

  2. #2
    5|-|1+|-|34|) ober's Avatar
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    3/10

    Barely mildly amusing.

  3. #3
    Registered User axon's Avatar
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    >>3/10

    you're too kind.

    some entropy with that sink? entropysink.com

    there are two cardinal sins from which all others spring: Impatience and Laziness. - franz kafka

  4. #4
    Normal vector Carlos's Avatar
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    Originally posted by axon
    >>3/10

    you're too kind.
    Yep! I'd give it 10^-3.

  5. #5
    Just Lurking Dave_Sinkula's Avatar
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    Re: HowTo (give your cat a pill)

    You left out the ending that makes the joke:

    How to Give Your Dog a Pill
    1. Wrap it in bacon.
    7. It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
    40. There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.*

  6. #6
    Much older and wiser Fountain's Avatar
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    Re: Re: HowTo (give your cat a pill)

    Originally posted by Dave_Sinkula
    You left out the ending that makes the joke:

    How to Give Your Dog a Pill
    1. Wrap it in bacon.

    My dog doesnt like bacon.

    Put it in steak or some tuna or cheese, then wow. Its gone. Best training aid ever is cheese.

    Oh rambling-sorry. I know you were finishing the joke.
    Such is life.

  7. #7
    Peace
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    I found it rather amusing. I think you have to have tried giving a cat a pill before you'll find this quite so funny. Its so very very accurate.
    "There's always another way"
    -lightatdawn (lightatdawn.cprogramming.com)

  8. #8
    In your face... ha ha ha Liger86's Avatar
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    Stupid cats, they're going to take over the world; just like killer bees. Yes Killer Bees!

    Take out that old cannon and blast that hairball to smitherines!

    Or better - try flushing your cat down that drain in the kitchen with an in-sink-erator, what ever that is (just read that at the bottom of my sink), its that thing that chops your food so it go down the drain!

    Oh yeh, the joke... 2/10
    From Ukraine with love!

    Internationally known widely respected

    - Digitally yourz -

  9. #9
    Registered User hk_mp5kpdw's Avatar
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    Or better - try flushing your cat down that drain in the kitchen with an in-sink-erator, what ever that is (just read that at the bottom of my sink), its that thing that chops your food so it go down the drain!
    You mean the garbage disposal? In-Sink-Erator is a specific brand of garbage disposal I think.
    "Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods."
    -Christopher Hitchens

  10. #10
    In your face... ha ha ha Liger86's Avatar
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    Originally posted by hk_mp5kpdw
    You mean the garbage disposal? In-Sink-Erator is a specific brand of garbage disposal I think.
    No, it's that thing that chops your food so that your drain in the kitchen doesn't get all cloged up!

    It comes standard in all american homes, unless you may be living in 3rd world country you might not even know what a sink looks like, just a big river or a pudle of water! - I don't actually think you are from 3rd world country hk_mp5kpdw, so don't take it offensive!
    From Ukraine with love!

    Internationally known widely respected

    - Digitally yourz -

  11. #11
    Registered User hk_mp5kpdw's Avatar
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    No, it's that thing that chops your food so that your drain in the kitchen doesn't get all cloged up!

    It comes standard in all american homes, unless you may be living in 3rd world country you might not even know what a sink looks like, just a big river or a pudle of water! - I don't actually think you are from 3rd world country hk_mp5kpdw, so don't take it offensive!
    No offense taken. I live in the USA, state of Virginia... originally from the Southern California area. All my life every one I know around me has called those things garbage disposals or garbage disposal units. Maybe people elsewhere call them different things but that's what I know them as.

    Dictionary.Com reference to garbage disposal.

    1 entry found for garbage disposal.
    garbage disposal

    n : a kitchen appliance for disposing of garbage [syn: disposal, electric pig]
    "Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods."
    -Christopher Hitchens

  12. #12
    5|-|1+|-|34|) ober's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Liger86
    It comes standard in all american homes, unless you may be living in 3rd world country you might not even know what a sink looks like, just a big river or a pudle of water! - I don't actually think you are from 3rd world country hk_mp5kpdw, so don't take it offensive!
    Wow... that's being rather arrogant. And no it does NOT come "standard" in all American homes... .. get a grip. And not every 3rd world country only has puddles and rivers.

    It's a garbage disposal.

  13. #13
    Registered User axon's Avatar
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    some entropy with that sink? entropysink.com

    there are two cardinal sins from which all others spring: Impatience and Laziness. - franz kafka

  14. #14
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    Stupid cats, they're going to take over the world; just like killer bees. Yes Killer Bees!
    You ripped that off of GTA3, didn't you

  15. #15
    & the hat of GPL slaying Thantos's Avatar
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    This is better, not a lot better but still better
    HOW TO BATHE A CAT!!!!!!!!
    1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
    2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
    3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
    4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so cat cannot escape.
    5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet; cat is enjoying this.)
    6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, Which is quite effective. Cat is too big to go anywhere.
    7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
    8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, Where he will air dry. Cat will return when hungry.

    Sincerely,

    The dog
    Last edited by Thantos; 01-21-2004 at 04:15 PM.

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