Place your jokes here!

This is a discussion on Place your jokes here! within the A Brief History of Cprogramming.com forums, part of the Community Boards category; The GD board has been a little too serious lately, what with drugs, homosexuality, sex ed in school, religion, politics, ...

  1. #1
    Cheesy Poofs! PJYelton's Avatar
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    Place your jokes here!

    The GD board has been a little too serious lately, what with drugs, homosexuality, sex ed in school, religion, politics, etc, we need a good joke thread to lighten things up a bit. Place your favorite recent jokes here! I'll start:

    An elderly couple goes in for their annual checkup at the doctors office and the doctor sees the husband first. After doing all of the tests he sees nothing wrong with the old man and asks if he has any questions.

    The old man says "Doc, I've got this problem which I just don't understand and maybe you can help. After the first time I have sex, I'm really hot and sweaty, but after the second time I'm cold to the bone. It doesn't make any sense!"

    The doctor thinks about it for a second and promises to get back to the old man after a little bit of research. He then ushers the old man out and brings in the wife for her checkup. After performing all of the tests and seeing that she was perfectly fine he sits down to ask her a question.

    He says "Your husband described a very strange problem he was having. He says that after he has sex the first time he is very hot and sweaty but after the second time he's cold to the bone. Do you have any idea why this might be happening?"

    The old woman just shakes her said and exclaims "That old coot! Thats because the first time is in July and the second time is in December!"

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    Roses are red
    Violins are blue
    come to my office
    you know what to do
    There's a magical frog in a big forest.
    Suddenly, he sees a fox chasing a rabbit.
    He says :'STOP! You are the first animals i've seen. Therefore, i will furfill three wishes each!'
    The fox says:'I want all foxes in this forest to be female except for me!'
    And it happens.
    The rabbit says:'I want a cycle-helmet'
    And it happens.
    The fox says:'I want all foxes in the whole world to be female except for me!'
    And it happens.
    The rabbit says:'I want a motorcycle!'
    And it happens, and he jumps on it, with the helmet on.
    The fox says:'I WANT ALL FOXES IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE TO BE FEMALE EXCEPT FOR ME!'
    And it happens.
    And the rabbit says:'I want that fox to be homosexual!'
    and drives away.
    -Felix
    Rots Soft
    If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
    Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

  3. #3
    Code Goddess Prelude's Avatar
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    >The GD board has been a little too serious lately
    Would you like us to start up an award for the worst posts in the other forums for various caterories to liven things up? They could be run in the GD forum as comic relief.
    My best code is written with the delete key.

  4. #4
    Cat
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    A bartender is working on Saturday night when he sees one of his best customers come in. He pours a mug of the customer's favorite, but the man rejects it and asks for water.

    Puzzled at this behavior, the bartender asks why.

    "I'm giving up alcohol," says the man.

    "Why?" asks the bartender.

    "I was so drunk last night, when I got home I blew chunks on the kitchen floor."

    The bartender tries to console the man, telling him that vomiting happens to everyone now and then.

    "No, you don't understand," says the man. "Chunks is my dog."
    You ever try a pink golf ball, Wally? Why, the wind shear on a pink ball alone can take the head clean off a 90 pound midget at 300 yards.

  5. #5
    Banned nickname_changed's Avatar
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    LOL, the grandparents one was pretty good, as was the fox one, but Cat's chunks one I found very funny. 9/10 for that!

  6. #6
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    Originally posted by Prelude
    >The GD board has been a little too serious lately
    Would you like us to start up an award for the worst posts in the other forums for various caterories to liven things up? They could be run in the GD forum as comic relief.
    My nomination
    Originally posted by Neandrake

    OMG so I was went to McDonald's yesterday to get some food. I'm waiting in line and this old black bum walks in screaming $$$$.

    [black-tongue]
    'Hell no, these nice ladys [who were black] are just doin' what they gotta do and you cracker ass white boys [there were some white kids in front of me] gotta be here"
    [/black-tongue]

    The man leaves for a sec and comes back in...

    [black-tongue]
    "If I had my mac-9 you'd all be dead"
    [/black-tongue]

    The man stands behind me in line, asking how I got ahead of him in line.

    [black-tongue]
    "I wish I brought my razor"
    [/black-tongue]

    The founders of the US based the structure of the government from their life-styles.

    I don't care about homo-sex/homo-marriage

    They should STFU about the benefits and $$$$ that the government set up though. They don't wanna respect our history, kiss my ass. Just like foreigners need to respect out laws.


  7. #7
    Code Goddess Prelude's Avatar
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    >My nomination
    You need to suggest a category too, such as pointless rant.
    My best code is written with the delete key.

  8. #8
    Mayor of Awesometown Govtcheez's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Prelude
    >My nomination
    You need to suggest a category too, such as pointless rant.
    General idiocy

  9. #9
    Cheesy Poofs! PJYelton's Avatar
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    >>General idiocy<<

    I don't know, Zakk's drug one would be a hard one to top in this catagory...

    Heres another one:

    A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big guy looks down upon the small guy, smiles, and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

    The small white faints on the spot!!

    The big guy picks him and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the guy. "What's wrong?"

    The small guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?"

    The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

    The small guy wipes his brow and says, "Oh thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around!'"

  10. #10
    Wannabe Coding God
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    My fav jokes atm:

    Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

    I'll quit procrastinating laterr....

    Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.

    Customer: I'm running Windows 95...
    Helpdesk: Yes...
    Customer: ...and now my computer stopped working!
    Helpdesk: Yes, you already said that.

    Windows95 does really have preemptive Multitasking: It can boot and crash at the same time.

    How do Microsoft employees exchange a bulb? Not at all... Bill Gates declares darkness as a standard.

    Ever noticed how fast Windows runs? Neither did I!

    Windows XP the most popular virus on the market today!
    They say that if you play a Windows Install CD backwords, you hear satanic messages. That's nothing; play it forward and it installs Windows.

  11. #11
    Senior Member joshdick's Avatar
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    Jokes about Windows? I've never heard anything like that before!
    FAQ

    "The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he alone is responsible. Universes of virtually unlimited complexity can be created in the form of computer programs." -- Joseph Weizenbaum.

    "If you cannot grok the overall structure of a program while taking a shower, you are not ready to code it." -- Richard Pattis.

  12. #12
    Banned frenchfry164's Avatar
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    I woman walks into a (I don't know how to spell it, basically a woman's doctor. Sounds like guy na tol a gist) office. The doctor says "Take your clothes off" so she does. Then he starts rubbing her breasts and says, "You know what I'm doing right?" and she says "checking for breast cancer." Then he starts rubbing her vagina and says "You know what I'm doing right?" and she says "Yeah, you're checking for yeast infection" and then he throws her on a table and starts having sex with her, and says "You know what I'm doing right?" and she says "Yeah, you're getting HIV, that's why I came in here!"

  13. #13
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    An elderly couple walk into a doctor's office because the old man is having a bad health problem. After doing some initial common tests, the doctor tells the old man that he needs a urine sample, stool sample, and blood sample.

    The old man, hard of hearing, cannot hear the doctor and turns to his wife and says, "ehhhhhh...what's he say hunny!?!?"

    The old lady replies, "He wants your underwear dear."

    2 blondes walk into a building...*smacks you on the back* HAHAHA!...woulda think they seen it coming!!!!

    3 tampons walking down the street....one of them is all friendly and wavin at everybody. Why aren't the other 2? Because they're both stuck up biotches.
    The world is waiting. I must leave you now.

  14. #14
    BMJ
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    My friend showed me a new book he purchased that I think is a joke all in itself...

    "Writing Secure Code" - Microsoft Press.

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    Registered User Nutshell's Avatar
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    NEVER ARGUE WITH A CHILD
    --------------------------------------

    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

    The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a_ human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a_
    human;_ it was physically impossible.

    The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

    The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

    The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

    .................................................. ............................................
    The children had all been photographed,_and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the
    group picture.

    & nbsp;____ "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'

    " A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher... "She's dead."
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

    At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
    "Take only ONE. God is watching."

    Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want... God is watching the
    apples. "

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