Rate my college essay

This is a discussion on Rate my college essay within the A Brief History of Cprogramming.com forums, part of the Community Boards category; 2. Describe a fictional or non-fictional character that represents the kind of leadership qualities you value. Explain his or her ...

  1. #1
    CIS and business major
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    2. Describe a fictional or non-fictional character that represents the kind of leadership qualities you value. Explain his or her influence on your experiences as a leader in your community.

    *************************************************

    If there's one man that I've grown to admire in my life, it's Microsoft co-founder- Bill Gates. A truly remarkable man, he went from being a borderline autistic child, to the richest man in the world by the time he was 40. It's men like Gates that inspires me into believing that anything is possible with hard work and intelligence.

    Bill Gate's isn't your typical CEO/businessman. A mathematics major at Harvard, Bill was often considered more of a nerd than a people person. But it was his leadership abilities and intelligence that helped him jump-start Microsoft, and turn it into the most profitable tech company of all time! Bill was characterized as being a workaholic, putting in 18-hour days on a consistent basis. He led by example, and often pushed his employees to their maximum capabilities. Bill encourages his employees to yell back in meetings, and tell him when he's wrong. Gates is famous for his one liner- "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life," which is really a compliment meaning that you're leading a conversation in a new direction. So many businesses are filled with "yes-men", people who try to talk their way up the corporate ladder, rather than work their way to the top. Bill hates these types of people. He believes that there are no shortcuts in life, and you must work to your potential to reach the top.

    Bill has inspired me to become an entrepreneur, and one-day a leader within a company. I was very fascinated by the fact that Gates started Microsoft at the age of 19, and went on to become a billionaire by the time he was 31. It gave me the motivation to start a web-based marketing company in the summer of 2000. The company was called General Marketing Strategies, and although it never became a powerhouse business like Microsoft, it did layout the foundation for my business future. Similar to Bill, I had very little business education. But I made up for it with hard work and constant research. I gained valuable knowledge running this company, and developed higher self-esteem as well as a deeper interest in learning. I now find myself encouraging people to believe in themselves, to always stay positive, and to set their standards for success above and beyond their capabilities. I'm able to share my knowledge and experience with others, and lead them in the right direction in life. I've learned that life is whatever you make of it, it's up to you to decide your fate.
    Last edited by Terrance; 06-07-2003 at 09:08 PM.

  2. #2
    Toaster Zach L.'s Avatar
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    Pretty good. Your opening sentence seems a bit week though. Stylistically, I'd try breaking it into smaller paragraphs (the last one definitely can be split), but thats just me.
    The word rap as it applies to music is the result of a peculiar phonological rule which has stripped the word of its initial voiceless velar stop.

  3. #3
    Registered User Commander's Avatar
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    >> kind of leadership qualities you value.

    the introduction mentions nothing on/about leadership, which is the main part of the essay, u might wanna incorporate that into the intro as well.
    +
    devide the last para to make a conclusion like Zach said is also a good idea.

    over all, a good essay
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  4. #4
    Back after 2 years Panopticon's Avatar
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    Its a bit short... and ur development of ideas dont really show distinction between each subtopic nor do they link solidly to ur introduction.. I wudve thought college essays would be of at least 1000 words.

    edit::
    dont believe the bs english teachers give you about quality being the only thing that counts. Its quantity! It gives the marker the -illusion- of quality. If you can crap on for 1500 words, ur minimum mark wud be raised so much, even if its nonsensical whim... well, as long as it sustains relevance.
    Last edited by Panopticon; 06-07-2003 at 11:29 PM.
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  5. #5
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    It's quite good, but too short for a gollege essay ...

  6. #6
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    Good essay, you just need a cleaner layout for your thoughts as was mentioned earlier. College professors look for this, they want something they can break down into sections if they had to. Seperate your ideas with paragraphs, this will give you a much higher grade. Make it at least 5 paragraphs also.

    Similar to Bill, I had very little business education. But I made up for it with hard work and constant research.
    Maybe make that one sentence? Put a comma after education.

    Your intro is strong, but it really needs to say what leadership qualities Bill has, but briefly. Maybe use a few examples to summarize those qualities in the intro, and then expand on them with more examples in each paragraph. For the conclusion, just restate the qualities that make Bill a great leader, and relate them to your own life.

    Your essay is well written, it's just missing structure, and college professors like to see that. I took english 1 last semester in college and got an A. The first paper I wrote looked alot like yours, it was good but it had no structure. You got the wording, transitions, and the general flow down really good, you just need to break it up and follow a set structure. Maybe try making an outline, it will help you to break down your ideas logically, then after it's done then it's all a matter of wording. Writing an outline is harder than writing the actual paper in many cases. You will get an A if you break it up logically, cause you definitely got a good flow going with the wording and transitions you used. Goodluck.

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    Bill Gates didn't make himself what he is. It's easy to get more money when you have money. His parents were multi-millionaires.

  8. #8
    Much older and wiser Fountain's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Brian
    Bill Gates didn't make himself what he is. It's easy to get more money when you have money. His parents were multi-millionaires.

    Come on Brian-give him a break.....He is the one that thought 'oooh wouldnt it be nice if everything was in a seperate window'? Even without funding, he still wouldve made it.

    Many slag him off in these forums (rightly and NOT rightly so), but you MUST give him some credit!

    Your essay is ok, but-well-its sooo short.
    Such is life.

  9. #9
    Pursuing knowledge confuted's Avatar
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    A bit weak, and a bit short. Your second paragraph's first sentence contains an indefinite you (your) - get rid of it, it's bad.
    Away.

  10. #10
    carry on JaWiB's Avatar
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    It's men like Gates that inspire me into believing that anything is possible with hard work and intelligence.
    Gates is famous for his one liner- "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life,"
    maybe should be:

    Gates is famous for his one liner: "that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life,"
    or maybe add another "-" (...one liner-- "...")


    Bill was characterized as being a workaholic, putting in 18-hour days on a consistent basis.
    i would suggest getting rid of the "being," just seems to sound better




    So many businesses are filled with "yes-men", people who try to talk their way up the corporate ladder, rather than work their way to the top.
    doesn't seem right to use a comma there, maybe put ..."yes-men"--people...
    just since you're continuing your definition of yes-men and not just continuing with the thought that the sentence begins with

    ...and one-day a leader within a company
    shouldn't it be "one day"


    I've learned that life is whatever you make of it, it's up to you to decide your fate.
    add an "and" or a semicolon in there


    P.S. Don't rely too much on my advice...
    "Think not but that I know these things; or think
    I know them not: not therefore am I short
    Of knowing what I ought."
    -John Milton, Paradise Regained (1671)

    "Work hard and it might happen."
    -XSquared

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