Oh, I Call that the Modem...
So, there I am, minding my own business during my lunch break, reading the newest issue of MaximumPC. (*note: don't ever read PC mags at work, or you automatically become the "computer expert") Had I wanted to talk to anyone, I would have gone and eaten in the cafeteria, but instead I hid at a desk behind a really tall file cabinet thinking I would be left alone. Suddenly, a woman I barely know pops her head around the corner and begins bothering me.
Her: "Hey you're the computer expert 'round her aren'tcha?"
BoCo: " Ummm, I don't know. I know some things."
Her: "Well I wanted to know--why does my computer keep freezing?"
BoCo: "I don't know, maybe your house is too cold."
Her: "Oh, really? I didn't know that would have an effect on it."
BoCo: "Uh, no, I was actually making a joke; nevermind.
Her: "Huh? Oh, I get it! Hahahaha! OK, sooooooo.....why does it just stop working?
BoCo: "What are you doing when it freezes?"
Her: Oh, nothing! I just come back to it after it goes blank and I try to wiggle the mouse around but it won't come back on."
BoCo: "So, the screensaver is a blank one or the Power Options turn the screen off?"
BoCo: "Do you use a screensaver?"
Her: "No. It just goes blank after a few minutes, but usually I just shake the mouse around when I come back and the screen comes back on."
BoCo: "Then you have a blank screensaver."
Her: "Oh, I'm not really sure."
BoCo: "No, I wasn't asking you, I was making a statement; you have a blank screensaver.
Her: "Oh.....ok? Well, why won't it come back on sometimes? Then I have to either hit the reset button or undo the monitor cable from the modem and plug it back in. Sometimes that helps, but if it doesn't, then I have to restart."
BoCo: "Well, I think I know your problem (you're an idiot), you're plugging your monitor into your modem. WAIT! How the hell do you plug a monitor into a modem???"
Her: "I don't know, I just unscrew those thingies and pull it out, then I plug ot back in and screw them in again."
BoCo: "You missed my point; monitors don't plug into modems."
Her: "Well, mine does!"
BoCo: "No it doesn't."
Her: "Oh. Well it plugs into something."
BoCo: "What does it plug into?"
Her: "Uh, you know, the modem thing."
Her: "Well, that's what I call it. You know, the big square thing that you put your discs in."
BoCo: "Your CD burner???"
Her: "What's that?"
BoCo: "The thing you use to make CDs....."
Her: "Oh, I can't make CDs on mine."
BoCo: "Foget the CD burner. Where the !@#$ do you plug the monitor cable in?"
Her: "The back!"
BoCo: "The back of the case?"
Her: "What's the case??"
BoCo: "The case! You know, the large box that contains all the electronics that make up your computer!" (duh)
Her: "Yeah, that's the big square thing I was telling you about."
BoCo: "Ah, I get it. Ok, what you're plugging your monitor into is the video card, and you need to...."
Her: (interrupts) "I am? What's a video card?"
BoCo: "Yes you are. You're plugging it into the video card. What that is, is...."
Her: (interrupts) "What's that???"
BoCo: "I was just getting ready to tell you, stop interrupting me. The video card is a small circuit board that sends a video signal to your monitor. It plugs into the motherboard."
Her: "The mother what?"
BoCo: "Mother. Board. That's the big circuit board inside your case that everything plugs into."
Her: "What's the case?"
BoCo: "The large square box."
Her: "Ohhhhhh, ok. Yeah, that's the thing that I call the modem."
BoCo: "Well, that's not a modem; it's a case. It houses all the electronics that make up your computer. A modem is simply a device that works like a telephone for a computer. It's what allows you to connect to the internet, fax, or make a phone call from your computer."
Her: "You can make phone calls from a computer? How do you do that?"
BoCo: "I'll tell you some other time. Right now I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with your monitor."
Her: Well, what do you think it is? I have to unplug the monitor and plug it back in, or I have to totally reset my computer."
BoCo: "Well, first of all, you should never unplug your monitor from your case without turning everyting off first. Second, if it works after you plug it back in, then maybe your video card is loose."
Her: "What's a video card?"
BoCo: "I just told you like two minutes ago. It's what sends video signals to your monitor. It plugs into the motherboard, and possibly has been unseated from the AGP slot. Have your kids kicked it or anything?"
Her: "Oh, I'm not sure....."
BoCo: "Ok, listen: turn everything off, but leave your computer plugged into the wall. Gently lay the case on it's side, and figure out how to take the cover off. (terror in her eyes) Once it's off, find the video card--it's the one that the monitor is plugged into, so you'll see it right away. Touch your power supply's cover to get rid of any static electricity, then put a thumb on each end of the video card and gently push it into it's slot. Also, make sure there is a small screw in the metal bracket on the end of it, and make sure the screw isn't loose."
Her: "Oh my god1 I'm not going to get electricuted am I?"
Her: "Ahh hahahahahaha! You're so funny!"
BoCo: "No you won't get shocked."
Her: "Am I gonna blow anything up?"
Her: "How do you know?"
BoCo: "Because I get into my case all the time."
Her: (dumbfounded) "Oh my god, you do?!?! You aren't affraid of hurting anything or getting shocked?!?!"
BoCo: "No. I just told you that you'll be fine, ok!"
Her: Ok, I'll try to do that then. (repeats to herself most of what I just told her) But that's still doesn't tell me why sometimes I have to totally restart."
BoCo: "That's because you're using Windows ME, and it's freezing during the screensaver."
Her: "How do you know I have Windows ME???"
BoCo: "Isn't your computer a couple years old?"
Her: "Yeah. I am using ME, I just wondered how you knew."
BoCo: "Because it's 2 years old, and I'm sure you haven't upgraded to XP (because you're an idiot) because if you had, it wouldn't be freezing like this."
Her: "What's 'XP'? ...Are you *sure* I'm not going to blow anything up?"
~ The End~
Thanks to: BoCo