Read my poem! Seriously! Don't be mean to me if you don't like it

This is a discussion on Read my poem! Seriously! Don't be mean to me if you don't like it within the A Brief History of Cprogramming.com forums, part of the Community Boards category; This is a poem I had to write for english class. I like it, I want to know what you ...

  1. #1
    geretsigernU
    Guest

    Read my poem! Seriously! Don't be mean to me if you don't like it

    This is a poem I had to write for english class. I like it, I want to know what you people think.


    Thereís a house up on a hill, a house I helped build
    I see outlines of small people, sublime sihlouettes
    I canít make out their faces, because this is just a dream
    But I know I am one of them, looking back at me
    There is nothing I can do, except stand back and watch
    Retracing the paths of the sleds with my foot, is something i will never do
    I canít join the figures, I canít get any closer
    All I can do is stop their sihlouettes from turning transparent
    By writing this poem
    And remembering in a cold silent monologue of what used to be

    It's basically about me remembering something from my childhood.

    Tell me what you think!

  2. #2
    Shadow12345
    Guest
    Very interesting. I think it would flow better if you took out the part about retracing paths thorugh the snow with your foot. you could break it up over a few lines if you don't want to get rid of it.

    Overall it is very poetic and flows pretty nicely though. How long did it take you to write it? My best work comes spontatneously.

  3. #3
    geretsigernU
    Guest
    Yes it was fairly spontaneous. That is just a rough draft anyway.

  4. #4
    _B-L-U-E_ Betazep's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Posts
    1,412
    I thought is was pretty good. A bit chaotic... but good nonetheless.
    Blue

  5. #5
    geretsigernU
    Guest
    What do you mean exactly? It jumps around a bit too much? If that is what you mean then I could easil organize it a bit better.

  6. #6
    Shadow12345
    Guest
    well I don't know if you should change it. Like I said breaking up that part about the foot and retracing the footsteps would make it 'flow' better. My favorite part is:

    I canít make out their faces, because this is just a dream
    But I know I am one of them, looking back at me

    That is good because it is a cool way of implying it is a flashback or something and it flows nicely (yes, I am into poetic flow man!)

  7. #7
    _B-L-U-E_ Betazep's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Posts
    1,412
    No. I don't mean like that. The poem is good. The subject is chaotic in your mind. Makes you think and re-read... which for a poem might not be such a bad thing.

    You might want to do this...


    Retracing sled paths with my foot, something i will never do
    Blue

  8. #8
    TransparentMember correlcj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Posts
    378

    Thumbs up

    It was good!
    "Be formless, shapeless, like water... You put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot... Now water can flow, or it can crash, be water my friend."
    -Bruce Lee

  9. #9
    geretsigernU
    Guest
    well I am definitely pleased that you liked it overall. Keep the comments/suggestions coming. Someone else should post a short poem!

  10. #10
    RoD
    RoD is offline
    Redundantly Redundant RoD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Missouri
    Posts
    6,331
    Well, i have only wrote one in my life, it was when my g/f of several years died in the drug-related incident. I never wrote it for great quality, just to write what i felt.

    Only time can tell,
    The extent of my wound from wence i fell.
    The look in his careless eyes,
    I hope when he gets to hell he fry's.
    In your eyes i could see myself,
    And in your eyes i could see my heart,
    Without your eyes, the heart that will fall apart.
    I took for granted the time we shared,
    The time i will always miss,
    Did you taste my tears, with our last kiss.
    As this day falls dark,
    My tears begin to flow,
    This arrow of depression has found its mark,
    This arrow will forever remain, in my heart.

  11. #11
    Code Monkey Davros's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Posts
    812

    Thumbs up

    Good!
    OS: Windows XP
    Compilers: MinGW (Code::Blocks), BCB 5

    BigAngryDog.com

  12. #12
    Just a Member ammar's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Posts
    953
    I like your's Ride -or- Die, it's nice.

  13. #13
    geretsigernU
    Guest

    Thumbs up

    I liked it too! My favorite was the last line:

    This arrow of depression has found its mark,
    This arrow will forever remain, in my heart.

    When did you write it R-O-D?

  14. #14
    RoD
    RoD is offline
    Redundantly Redundant RoD's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Missouri
    Posts
    6,331
    About four months ago, it still hurts alot and i'll always love her, thnx for the positive comments.

  15. #15
    _B-L-U-E_ Betazep's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    Posts
    1,412
    Good poem Ride or Die.

    Sad story though. Did somebody shoot her... or was it an OD? If it upsets you to talk about it, sorry and nevermind.
    Blue

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Popular pages Recent additions subscribe to a feed

Similar Threads

  1. How can I know the actual bytes read in a file read
    By pliang in forum C++ Programming
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 06-08-2005, 05:23 PM
  2. What Would You Use To Read User Input?
    By djwicks in forum C Programming
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 04-05-2005, 04:32 PM
  3. Replies: 3
    Last Post: 03-04-2005, 02:46 PM
  4. Read Array pro!!Plz help!!
    By Supra in forum C Programming
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 03-04-2002, 03:49 PM
  5. Help! Can't read decimal number
    By Unregistered in forum C Programming
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 09-07-2001, 03:09 AM

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21