College Admission Essay: Input wanted

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  1. #1
    RoD
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    College Admission Essay: Input wanted

    Ok i had to write a college admission essay about why i think i am right for their Computer Science courses: Let me have it!


    //edit: some formatting messed up copying to cprog, but in word its all setup fine. the " should be bullets btw.


    Computer Technology is a passion I have had since as long as I can remember. I got my first computer when I was six years old and since that time, my passion has been fed through the constant use of computers. I am fluent in many areas of Computer Technology, such as;

    " Microsoft Windows - I am highly adept in the following Windows operating systems: Windows 3.1, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows CE, Windows NT 4.0 Server, Windows 2000 Professional, Windows 2000 Server, Windows XP Professional, and Windows XP Corporate.
    " Networking - I have successfully and efficiently designed, built, and maintained several Windows-based networks on the following Windows Operating systems: Windows 98, Windows NT 4.0 Server, and all versions of Windows 2000 and Windows XP.
    " Programming - As a second-year Computer Science student I feel confident in my abilities with what I have learned thus far. During my junior year of high school I studied in the Visual Basic programming language. In this study we covered the importance of commenting, developing algorithms, and many other fundamental aspects of programming. Now, in my senior year of high school, I am studying the C++ programming language.
    " Computer Construction - In my twelve years that I have been working in the field of Computer Technology, I have built more then forty-five computers for myself, friends, and relatives. It is imperative, in my opinion, that anyone looking to study in Computer Science needs to possess these skills. I am fluent in the way each element of a computer system works, and why it works. The technology I have worked with varies all the way from older to the newest types.

    These are merely a few of the areas in which I have studied through the course of my life. My main goal, both in and out of class, is to become the programmer I aspire to be. I have not yet decided whether I want to be a game or software developer, but my personal opinion is that knowledge of both fields is beneficial.
    I feel that I would be an excellent addition to your educational community. I will devote every ounce of effort to my goal, and to my work. I feel that the force I put forth is a reflection on me, and I will settle for no reflection short of perfection. I ask that you consider my qualifications in relation to the Computer Science degree, and that you demand no less of me than any other aspiring student.

    Thank you,

    Steven Billington
    Last edited by RoD; 10-25-2002 at 04:59 PM.

  2. #2
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    What kind of input do you want, grammatical, stylistic, content?
    Style examples: You studied Visual Basic, not in the Visual Basic language.
    Content examples: Be specific, what programs have you actually developed, what type and size of networks did you set up?
    Grammatical examples: Grammar seems ok, although some sections don't make sense ("...settle for no reflection short of perfect"). I know what you're trying to say there, but it doesn't work. Also, never write something like "in my opinion" in an essay like this.
    Your experience sounds fine, but the essay could use some work. Have you shown it to any teachers/counselors/employers? If you want more help PM me, I'll look at it in more depth.
    Truth is a malleable commodity - Dick Cheney

  3. #3
    RoD
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    I haven't had a chance to show it to them yet. Hmm, the imo outake sounds like a good idea. I am thinking that includeing programs i have made from both C++ and VB with the essay and citing them may be a good idea.

    Thanks for the suggestions.

  4. #4
    Rambling Man
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    What grade are you in, R-o-D? IIRC, I thought you said you were a freshman, or am I mistaken? If you're not a Senior I don't really see much reason for you to send this essay to a college, personally.

    Yeah, I'm going to have to attend a community college for at least a semester, because I sort of have a problem doing my homework. Eh no big deal.

  5. #5
    RoD
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    *Senior*

  6. #6
    Rambling Man
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    oh sorry

  7. #7
    RoD
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    honest mistake:

    Revision!

    Computer Technology is a passion I have had since as long as I can remember. I got my first computer when I was six years old. Since that time my passion has been fed thought the constant use of computers. I am fluent in many areas of Computer Technology, such as;

    • Microsoft Windows – I am highly adept in the following Windows operating systems: Windows 3.1, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows CE, Windows NT 4.0 Server, Windows 2000 Professional, Windows 2000 Server, Windows XP Professional, and Windows XP Corporate.
    • Networking – I have successfully and efficiently designed, built, and maintained several Windows-based networks on the following Windows Operating systems: Windows 98, Windows NT 4.0 Server, and all versions of Windows 2000 and Windows XP. The sizes of these networks vary from just a few computers, to over fifty computers with dedicated servers.
    • Programming – As a second-year Computer Science student I feel confident in my abilities with what I have learned thus far. During my junior year of high school I studied in the Visual Basic. In this study we covered the importance of commenting, developing algorithms, and many other fundamental aspects of programming. Now, in my senior year of high school, I am studying C++. I also have experience with other languages such as PASCAL, HTML, ASP, and PHP.



    • Computer Construction –In my twelve years that I have been working in the field of Computer Technology, I have built more then forty-five computers for myself, friends, and relatives. I am fluent in the way each element of a computer system works, and why it works. The technology I have worked with varies all the way from older to the newest types.

    These are merely a few of the areas in which I have studied through the course of my life. My main goal, both in and out of class, is to become the programmer I aspire to be. I have not yet decided whether I want to be a game or software developer, but my feeling is that knowledge of both fields is beneficial.
    I feel that I would be an excellent addition to your educational community. I will devote every ounce of effort to my goal, and to my work. I feel that the force I put forth is a reflection on me, and that is not something I take lightly. I ask that you consider my qualifications in relation to the Computer Science degree, and that you demand no less of me than any other aspiring student.

    Thank you,

    Steven Billington

  8. #8
    Blank
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    I would try to concentrate on one field of study interest
    you most in computer science. Your essay shouldnt' read
    like a resume---it's not about what you already know.

    Computer Technology is a passion I have had since as long as I can remember.
    This doesn't sound too good. They probably get 100s of
    essays starting out with something similiar.

    It is imperative, in my opinion, that anyone looking to study in Computer Science needs to possess these skills.
    Let them decide what is important.

    I am fluent in the way each element of a computer system works, and why it works.
    You can't possibly understand everything about the physics of transitors, gates, the cpu, and the assembly language of the processor.

    These are merely a few of the areas in which I have studied through the course of my life.
    This is kind of wordy and sounds like you are bragging.

    [qoute]
    I feel that the force I put forth is a reflection on me, and I will settle for no reflection short of perfection.
    [/quote]
    This also sounds wordy.

  9. #9
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    Originally posted by Ride -or- Die
    Computer Technology is a passion I have had since as long as I can remember. I've been working with computers since I was six years old. Since that time my passion has been fed thought the constant use of computers. I am skilled in many areas of Computer Technology, such as;

    • Microsoft Windows – I am adept in the following Windows operating systems: Windows 3.1, Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows CE, Windows NT 4.0 Server, Windows 2000 Professional, Windows 2000 Server, Windows XP Professional, and Windows XP Corporate.how about dos?
    • Networking – I have designed, built, and maintained several Windows-based networks on the following Windows Operating systems: Windows 98, Windows NT 4.0 Server, and all versions of Windows 2000 and Windows XP. The sizes of these networks vary from just a few computers, to over fifty computers with dedicated servers.what about peer to peer, client-server, ethernet, wireless, sites, gateways, subnets, etc?
    • Programming – I've taken two years of programming in high school.During my junior year I studied Visual Basic, covering topics such as the importance of commenting, developing algorithms, and many other fundamental aspects of programming. I'm currently learning more advanced topics in[/i] C++, and have experience in other languages such as PASCAL, HTML, ASP, and PHP.give examples, even if they're projects from a book
    • Computer Construction –In the twelve years I've been working in the field of Computer Technology, I have built more then forty-five computers for myself, friends, and relatives. I am fluent in the way each element of a computer system works, and why it works. The technology I have worked with varies all the way from older to the newest types.like what? be specific: floppies, 286 mb cpu's, DVD-RW's, motherboards, etc

    These are merely a few of the areas in which I have studied through the course of my life.hopefully that goes w/o saying My main goal, both in and out of class, is to become the programmer I aspire to be.so? and that could hurt you, they might want someone a bit more well rounded I haven't decided whether I want to focus on game or software developmentaren't games software?, but my feeling is that knowledge of both fields is beneficial. why is that? your feeling doesn't count
    I feel that I would be an excellent addition to your educational community. I feel that the force I put forth is a reflection on me, and that is not something I take lightly.??? I ask that you consider my experience, dedication and commitment when considering my application.

    Thank you,

    Steven Billington
    Ideas in italics...
    Truth is a malleable commodity - Dick Cheney

  10. #10
    Lead Moderator kermi3's Avatar
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    Ok, here's my take....

    I don't know what you're shooting for here, or where you're applying but. I would loose the whole list of technical specs.

    Here's what you have to remember, the admissions people are going to read literally thousands of these. You have to make yours stand out somehow, especially if it's a smaller school. If it's a large one (ie a massive state school) where the essay doesn't matter as much becuase they recieve so many then you can get away with the tech specs but...I would list the tech specs else where, make your essay creative. It should involve technology of course, and should somehow answer the question, but make it intresting. Your goal is for them to remember yours out of the thousands they read.

    If you don't get where I'm coming from let me know and I'll clarify, or put up examples (though not technical ones)


    Kermi3
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  11. #11
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    Talking

    I agree with the above- your essay sounds like an resume.

    Check on the internet for some site on how to write CS essays.

    Also, check to see if you high school english or counselor can give you a better idea on what to right about.

    While you are at it. Why don' t you write a resume as well!!!
    Mr. C: Author and Instructor

  12. #12
    RoD
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    Very good points; I was in fear of it sounding too much like a brag but i was really stuck as how to begin/write it.

    Kermi any examples would be appreciated, and as for searching up a format, well i hadn't thought of that, thank you.

    //edit: is it, in your opinion, a good idea to include examples of code? Not basic code but say when my chat bot is done and docuemtned?
    Last edited by RoD; 10-26-2002 at 09:23 AM.

  13. #13
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    Here's one I wrote, it has nothing to do with programming but...

    It's on 9/11, which a lot of people wrote about. Therefore it would be bad to use because there were so many of them being sent in...BUT I took a very diffrent take on it then most people, hopefully it was intresting too...

    I was sitting on the cool steel on a warm October morning, looking down on the field as 7th and 8th grade boys crashed into each other as hard as they could. As I sat and watched my former campers who I had come to see play I couldn’t help but hear what the two men seated below me in the bleachers were saying. “There should be off duty cops on all flights,” “They need to secure the cockpit doors,” nothing unusual, just the same thing that everyone’s saying, and I guess that the fact that we now have to talk about this at all should be important, however that’s not what gets me. I was struck by one thing that one of these men said: “The bastards ruined my birthday forever.” They ruined his birthday. This is the greatest and worst thing I think I’ve every heard.

    It was the worst in that man could be so selfish that on a day when thousands die his birthday was the most important. However, just because this very fact, that this is what the man was thinking about, give new hope and lifted my spirit. I was sitting there, under a clear blue sky, watching children, boys play. The only thing that those boys were thinking about was smashing into each other and moving a small brown American icon down a grassy field. Further down the field girls of similar age in skirts of red, white, and blue waved pom-poms and cheered “Go Saints go! Beat the Greenies.” So we sat there. As bombs fell on the other side of the world, as construction crews clear debris in New York, and as inspectors comb the capital for anthrax, we sat there watching boys of two arch rival schools proudly pound each other.

    To me this was the greatest triumph of our nation, the greatest thumb of the nose at those who wish to see us destroyed. Even after they land the first attack on US soil hundreds of years, I was sitting under blue skies while young men carried out American rituals and way of life, girls sitting behind me were gossiping and giggling about “their William” and the other boys on the field, and a man sitting below me was mad at “the bastards” who ruined his birthday. This is our greatest triumph. We were not scared into submission, we instead throw our pigskin and worry about how bad our future birthdays will be, because we know there will be future birthdays. They will come, and the footballs will still fly under blue skies.
    This isn't my favorite (another one is), but I think it illistrates the point best. Take a diffrent take. I have another one I can post later if you want.
    Kermi3

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  14. #14
    RoD
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    Thats really good man. I found a site, collegeboard.com, that offers a step by step from beginning to end take on how to write this, and what you should(n't) say. I'll post a revision in about an hour i predict.

  15. #15
    P-Morphy
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    Ride or die. I agree with everyone else, your essay sounds more like a resume.

    If you wanted to make this essay stand out more, I would write something describing your plans in the future related to your technology skills.

    Tell them your aspirations. What you want to do with what you learn at college.

    Like me, I'd write something about how I plan on starting my own software company. I'd like to make software that does this, or does that (I'm not going to say what my business plans are, b/c they're a secret )

    But anyways, you could maybe fit some of those things into your essay, but I wouldn't just stick them in there if they don't fit.

    I'm sure you have some future aspirations in hardware/software, just write about that. But make it interesting

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