Gender Humour Thread

This is a discussion on Gender Humour Thread within the A Brief History of Cprogramming.com forums, part of the Community Boards category; Simply Put...Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone By Matt Groening Sure, you thought you already knew that. ...

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    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    Smile Gender Humour Thread

    Simply Put...Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone By Matt Groening


    Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged.
    RELATIONSHIPS: First of all, a man does not call it a relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

    A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

    SEX:Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

    MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

    MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body isa beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

    HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

    COMEDY: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

    BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

    GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

    SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

    LEG WARMERS: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

    GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup...

    CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

    OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

    DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

    DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

    LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

    WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

    SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

    NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

    EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

    MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

    MENOPAUSE: When a woman reached menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

    THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

    DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."

    ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

    RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

    MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

    TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

    PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

    CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

    LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

    GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

    MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

    JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

    SPORT ARENAS: Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.

    TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

    CONVERSATION: Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women,not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.

    FRIENDS: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?"

    RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
    Steve

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    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one."
    The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.

    The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

    The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick."

    The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
    Steve

  3. #3
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    What Women Really Mean

    You want = You want
    We need = I want
    It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
    Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
    We need to talk = I need to complain
    Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
    I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
    You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
    You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
    I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.
    Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
    This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
    I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
    I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
    Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
    I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
    Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
    How much do you love me?= I did something today you're really not going to like.
    I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
    Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
    You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
    Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
    Yes = No
    No = No
    Maybe = No
    I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
    Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
    Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
    I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
    All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
    The answer to "What's wrong?"

    The same old thing = Nothing
    Nothing = Everything
    Everything = My PMS is acting up
    Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an *******
    I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam
    Steve

  4. #4
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    TOP TEN THINGS MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN:
    1.
    2.
    3.
    4.
    5.
    6.
    7.
    8.
    9.
    10.
    "There's always another way"
    -lightatdawn (lightatdawn.cprogramming.com)

  5. #5
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    Question: Can men ever win? Answer............. NO !!!!! .

    If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

    If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

    If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

    If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

    If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

    If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

    If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

    If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

    If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

    If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

    If you cry, you're a wimp.

    If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

    If you thump her, it's wife bashing.

    If she thumps you, it's self defense.

    If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.

    If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

    If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

    If she asks you, it's a favor.

    If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.

    If you don't, you're a ***.

    If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.

    If you don't, you're unromantic.

    If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.

    If you don't, you're a slob.

    If you buy her flowers, you're after something.

    If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

    If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.

    If you don't, you're not ambitious.

    If she has a headache, she's tired.

    If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

    If you want it too often, you're oversexed.

    If you don't, there must be someone else.
    Steve

  6. #6
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    on the other hand.......

    The Answer is still No

    Question: Can women ever win?

    If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner.

    If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.

    If they pay for dinner, you are using them.

    If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them.

    If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework.

    If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework.

    If they want sex, they won't let you sleep.

    If you want sex, they won't wake up.

    If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care about their taste.

    If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.

    If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends.

    If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you don't like their friends.
    Steve

  7. #7
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000 and the woman's brain costs $30,000".

    The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."
    Steve

  8. #8
    the hat of redundancy hat nvoigt's Avatar
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    How to satisfy a woman every time:
    caress, praise, pamper, relish, savour, massage, fix things, empathise, serenade, compliment, support, feed, soothe, tantalise, humour, placate, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, ignore fat bits, cuddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, anticipate, smooch, nuzzle, forgive, accessorise, entertain, charm, carry for, oblige, fascinate, attend to, trust, defend, clothe, brag about, sanctify, acknowledge, spoil, embrace, die for, dream of, tease, gratify, squeeze, indulge, idolise, worship.

    How to satisfy a man every time:
    Arrive naked.
    hth
    -nv

    She was so Blonde, she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."

    When in doubt, read the FAQ.
    Then ask a smart question.

  9. #9
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    OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
    rofl.
    The world is waiting. I must leave you now.

  10. #10
    Registered User Commander's Avatar
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    10 Things Men Won't Say


    Let's watch Lifetime!
    Sex is overrated.
    I don't want to go too far on the first date.
    Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.
    There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.
    I'm glad I don't have a large penis.
    My hips are too big.
    Aw, can't we watch Oprah?
    Does this suit make me look fat?
    I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.
    oh i'm sorry! i didn;t realize my fist was rushing to meet ur face!

    MSN :: commander_android@hotmail.com []*[]

  11. #11
    Registered User Commander's Avatar
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    What do you call a 350-pound stripper?














    Broke!
    oh i'm sorry! i didn;t realize my fist was rushing to meet ur face!

    MSN :: commander_android@hotmail.com []*[]

  12. #12
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    60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

    1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
    2. Ahh, it's cute.
    3. Who circumcised you?
    4. Why don't we just cuddle?
    5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
    6. It's more fun to look at.
    7. Make it dance.
    8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
    9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
    10. It looks like a night crawler.
    11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
    12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
    13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
    14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
    15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
    16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
    17. Oh no, a flash headache.
    18. (giggle and point)
    19. Can I be honest with you?
    20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
    21. Let me go get my tweezers.
    22. How sweet, you brought incense.
    23. This explains your car.
    24. You must be a growing boy.
    25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
    26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
    27. Are you one of those pygmies?
    28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
    29. Every heard of clearasil?
    30. All right, a treasure hunt!
    31. I didn't know they came that small.
    32. Why is God punishing you?
    33. At least this won't take long.
    34. I never saw one like that before.
    35. What do you call this?
    36. But it still works, right?
    37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
    38. It looks so unused.
    39. Do you take steroids?
    40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
    41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
    42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
    43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
    44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
    45. Aww, it's hiding.
    46. Are you cold?
    47. If you get me real drunk first.
    48. Is that an optical illusion?
    49. What is that?
    50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
    51. Were you neutered?
    52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
    53. Does it come with an air pump?
    54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
    55. Where are the puppet strings?
    56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
    57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
    58. Never mind, why bother.
    59. Is that a second belly button?
    60. Where's the rest of it?
    oh i'm sorry! i didn;t realize my fist was rushing to meet ur face!

    MSN :: commander_android@hotmail.com []*[]

  13. #13
    Registered User Commander's Avatar
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    What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?



























    Bubblegum (what were you thinking?)
    oh i'm sorry! i didn;t realize my fist was rushing to meet ur face!

    MSN :: commander_android@hotmail.com []*[]

  14. #14
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    A Group Of Four Very Close Friends

    There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson, and a carpenter that met everyday for breakfast at a low income diner. They were all married except the salesman. When he was married, he went on his honeymoon with his wife. The other three still met for breakfast when he was gone. An idea came up to play some practical jokes on the new married person.
    "I'll make his bed slant so his bed will collapse when he is making love," said the carpenter.
    "I'll hot wire his mattress so that he'll feel immence heat while making love.'
    "Those are good ideas," said the dentist. "But I am not going to tell you what I'm going to do.'
    The next day the salesman comes into the diner. He says "I congratulate you guys for making my bed collapse, and I thank you for making my bed really hot, but I'm going to kill the bastard who put novocaine in the vaseline."
    oh i'm sorry! i didn;t realize my fist was rushing to meet ur face!

    MSN :: commander_android@hotmail.com []*[]

  15. #15
    Registered User Jet_Master's Avatar
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    A Husband's Moment of Realization

    A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

    As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

    "What dear?" She asked gently.

    "I think you bring me bad luck."
    I am the Alpha and the Omega!!!

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