clean(ish) jokes

This is a discussion on clean(ish) jokes within the A Brief History of Cprogramming.com forums, part of the Community Boards category; a hunter had just killed a deer, he came home with it, and his wife was cooking part of it ...

  1. #1
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    Smile clean(ish) jokes

    a hunter had just killed a deer, he came home with it, and his wife was cooking part of it for Sunday dinner.
    his kids were fussy eaters so he didn't tell his kids what it was they were eating.
    but his son kept pestering him...
    "whats for supper, daddy??"
    eventually he gives in...
    "well, heres a clue, its what your mummy sometimes calls me "

    "OH MY GOD" his daughter pipes up, "WERE EATING ARSEHOLE!!"
    Steve

  2. #2
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    This is the cleanest thing I could find on my HD

    HoW To KeEp A HeaLthY LeVel Of iNsAniTy aNd DRiVe OtHeR PeOple iNsAnE

    1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at
    passing cars to see if they slow down.

    2) Pagey ourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

    3) Insist that your e mail address be:
    'xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com' or
    'Elvis-the-king@companyname.com'

    4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

    5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised
    chair dancing.

    6) Put your waste bin on your desk and label it 'IN.' (This is a
    'must do')

    7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

    8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
    gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    9) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

    10) Finish all your sentences with "In a nutshell."

    11) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level
    lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

    12) Dont use any punctuation

    13) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    14) Ask people what sex they are.

    15) Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

    16) Sing along at the opera.

    17) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

    18) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is specially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

    19) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me in the next 20 minutes, I'll be in the toilet."

    20) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
    party 'cause you're not in the mood.

    21) Walk around grinning widely at everybody for no apparent reason and
    burst out laughing every time they enter the room but refuse to say why.

    22) Rearrange all the furniture/desks etc when no one else is around and
    hide all the pens/calculators/important documents etc.

  3. #3
    Used Registerer jdinger's Avatar
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    1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at
    passing cars to see if they slow down.

    2) Pagey ourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

    4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

    9) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

    10) Finish all your sentences with "In a nutshell."
    These are definite "must tries", especially with tomorrow being Friday!

    6) Put your waste bin on your desk and label it 'IN.' (This is a
    'must do')

    22) Rearrange all the furniture/desks etc when no one else is around and hide all the pens/calculators/important documents etc.
    Just did 6. As soon as I type this I heading to the office across the hall to start on 22.


    Whoever said work can't be fun!?

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    I bet this will get deleted but Ill give it a try.

    /* You were right. Edited for content by Mod. ... sorry. */

    I have more like that but its probly not worth typing stuff thats gonna get deleted.

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    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    oh no !! my threads gone !!!!!
    Steve

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    Used Registerer jdinger's Avatar
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    muttski, you just killed this thread!

  7. #7
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    any married guys here ???

    Marriage... a Man’s Perspective

    I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was... Always.

    I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt.

    Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

    The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
    I said, “Dust!”

    In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
    Then God created man and rested.
    Then God created woman.
    Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

    A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
    She looked at him and said, “Man, I wish I had your willpower.”

    Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
    Dad: That happens in every country, son.
    Steve

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    Dont worry some mod is gonna find my post and delete it.

    Theres this guy from the country and he decideds to go to the city, hes like damn I gotta get me some pussy, so he trys to find a wh,ore house, but all he finds is a place called "horney house", he goes in and this guys like well we dont have any chicks right now but heres a chicken for now, hes like damn, oh well Ill do the chicken. Next week he comes back and hes in a room with a bunsh of people all looking through a glass window at a couple of lesbians ..........ing, hes like wow, this is great and a guy next to him says this is nothing, last week we saw some guy doing a chicken.
    flashdaddee.com rocks!!!

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    Lets try to keep the really raunchy stuff off so that we can keep this going.

    .
    .
    .

    A woman went to the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor took a
    blood sample and told her to return in one week for the results.

    One week later, she and her husband returned to the doctor's office. The
    doctor took the husband aside and told him, "Sir, I'm afraid I have some
    bad news. We accidentally mixed your wife's blood sample with another
    patient's and we have no idea whose is whose. The bad news is one has
    Alzheimer's disease, and the other has AIDS. I want you to come back in
    another week and by then I should have it all sorted out.

    The man looked scared and said, "That's terrible, doc, what should I do
    until then?"
    "Well, when you're driving home today, drop her off two blocks away
    from your house... if she makes it home, don't have sex with her!"
    "There's always another way"
    -lightatdawn (lightatdawn.cprogramming.com)

  10. #10
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    hey i like that one LAD

    heres another one for the girlies -

    a farmer and his wife were at the cattle auction.
    surveying the first bull, the woman says "look, it says here that he mated 50 times in a year, thats impressive!"
    they proceeded to the 2nd bull, and his sign said "This bull mated 65 times last year " the wife turns to her husband and said "thats more than 5 times a month-you could learn a lot from him"
    proceeding to the next bull, his sign said "mated 365 times last year"
    the wifes mouth dropped open and she said "wow, once a day, you could really learn from him!!"

    the husband simply said
    "Go up to the owner and ask if that was 365 times with the same old cow !!"
    Steve

  11. #11
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    Very nice stevey, and I'm glad you liked my first one jdinger

    And on to the next one, anyone own a cat - this could be his/her diary??

    DAY 659 My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
    They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The
    only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
    satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I
    may eat another houseplant.


    DAY 662 Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
    while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
    stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
    again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. Must try this on their
    bed.


    DAY 669 Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving,
    incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.


    DAY 681 Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to
    make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their
    hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
    Not working according to plan.


    DAY 688 I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was
    chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy
    chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My
    only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.


    DAY 690 There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed
    in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise
    and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly
    I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must
    learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.


    DAY 699 I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches.
    The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
    obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant.
    He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and
    speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his
    current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it
    is only a matter of time.

  12. #12
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    i have experience of cats, so i like that !!!!

    heres a rather old joke, but i really like it....

    an old lady went to see her doctor.

    "doctor, you must help me. i have bad flatulance. luckily it is always soundless, and they never smell, but it is still embarrassing. i have farted 5 times already since i came into your office"

    the doc smirked and wrote out a prescription, and told her to come back when she's finished the course of treatment.

    a week later she came back and angrily said..
    "what kind of quack are you???? the problem is just as bad, it is still soundless but my farts smell terrible now. !!!"

    "don't you worry madam" the doc replied "now that we've cleared your sinuses, we'll try to improve your hearing "
    Steve

  13. #13
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    *cough* This is getting close to the 'ish' in clean(ish)... I censored it down a bit.


    A woman was very distraught at the fact that she
    had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime.
    She was afraid she might have something wrong with
    her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise
    of a sex therapist.

    Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang,
    the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went
    to see him.

    Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang
    said, "OK, take off arr you crose."

    The woman did as she was told.

    "Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder
    side of room."

    Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

    Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery
    fass back to me."

    So she did.

    Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your
    probrem vewy bad - you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse
    case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

    Terrified, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang,
    what is Ed Zachary Disease?

    Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,
    "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary
    rike your arse."
    "There's always another way"
    -lightatdawn (lightatdawn.cprogramming.com)

  14. #14
    Used Registerer jdinger's Avatar
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    I liked the cat diary. My daughter and I got a kick out of that one ( she loves cats ).

    Stevey, just where does one learn 101 old-people fart jokes?

  15. #15
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    Originally posted by jdinger
    I liked the cat diary. My daughter and I got a kick out of that one ( she loves cats ).

    Stevey, just where does one learn 101 old-people fart jokes?
    youve guessed !!! they are in my 101 great fart jokes book !!!

    does anyone elses cats do that horrible thing where they eat half a mouse(the back half) then leave the rest under your dining room chair??
    i dunno if its an offering or something, but ive tried to explain to puddy cat that i don't eat raw mouse !!!

    heres one from my Dirty Joke book, one of my faves, it is an oldy but goody.....

    a guy was sat in his garden, drinking beer and listening to football on his radio.
    as he was relaxing, his wife was struggling to push a large lawnmower round his garden.
    his new neighbour was watching this for 10 minutes or so, and could stand it no longer..
    "how can you sit there sipping your pint while your poor wife slaves away like that??? YOU SHOULD BE BLOODY WELL HUNG !!"






    the guy just looks at him, shrugs his shoulders and replies...
    "i am pal, thats why she's doing the lawn !"
    Steve

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