clean(ish) jokes

This is a discussion on clean(ish) jokes within the A Brief History of Cprogramming.com forums, part of the Community Boards category; here is a sample A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are blamed for the death of a man ...

  1. #61
    Nor
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    here is a sample

    A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are blamed for the death of a man killed by his own gas. There were no marks found on his body, but an autopsy revealed the presence of a large quantity of methane dissolved in his blood. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage, a combination of foods known for producing severe gas attacks. It appeared that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had his windows been open, the flatulence wouldn't have been fatal, but the man was shut up in a nearly airtight bedroom. He was an obese man with an unlimited capacity for creating the deadly gas that earned him notoriety as a Darwin Awards winner.

  2. #62
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    good grief !!! good job he didn't smoke, could have blown up half the building !!

    Darwin awards are classic, i love that site.

    old fart joke ->

    a red indian chief has a problem passing wind and is incapacitated with pain, so sends Son Number One to the white doc, since their medicine man has been unable to help.
    the son arrives at the quacks and says "Big Chief No Fart" in his best English.
    the doc gives the son some laxatives.
    but next day the son arrives again "Big Chief, Still No Fart", more laxatives, and again the next day.
    eventually the doc gives the son the strongest tablets hes got, and instructs the son to give them his father.
    the next day, the doc can hear a commotion at the indian camp and goes for a look.
    he sees the eldest son, and he's decked out in warpaint and feathers. "whats happening" he asks him.
    the son replies "Big Fart No Chief!"
    Steve

  3. #63
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    This 68 year old American multi millionaire widow decides she would like to remarry. She asks her laywers to search for a single 21 year old white man with rugged good looks, a golden smile and above all he must be a virgin.
    These being liberated times with sexual favours being given at a very young age, the only guy they can come up with who fits the description is an Australian stockman named Novacaine
    The laywers make the proposal to Novacaine and soon he is jetting off to New York to meet and marry his new bride.
    The ceremony goes off without a hitch and they hurry back to the penthouse honeymoon suite where the wife suggests that he gets things ready for their marriage consumation while she goes to powders her nose and slips into something more comfortable.
    When she returns to the living room some minutes later, she is surprised to find all the furniture piled up in one corner of the room and the carpets are rolled up with only bare boards in the middle of the floor.
    The woman says "what are you doing, aren't we going to make love?".
    Novacaine replies "well as you know I aint ever made love to a woman before but if it's anything like a kangaroo were going to need all the room we can get!"


    Steve

  4. #64
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    Wink

    A man with 3 girlfriends finally decides to settle down but doesn't know which one to choose for marriage. He gave each of then $5000 and waits and sees what they do with it.

    The first spent all $5000 for clothes on herself. She wanted to look pretty for her man.

    The second spent all the money on the man because he deserves it.

    The third invested the money and made more than enough to spend on the both of them and even enough to save for possible kids in the future.

    So which one does he choose . . .




    The one with the biggest t-its of course.

  5. #65
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    a guy went to the doctor because he had a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bottom.
    having showed it to the doctor, he asked "is it bad ???"
    "i'm afraid so" the doc replied "thats just the tip of the Iceberg..."
    Steve

  6. #66
    Seeking motivation... endo's Avatar
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    Thoughts...


    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
    A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
    The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.
    There's no future in time travel.
    Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.
    Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
    A day without sunshine is like night.
    What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
    Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
    Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
    If you can't convince them, confuse them.
    Death is hereditary.
    Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon!
    I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
    How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
    Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
    A good pun is its own reword.
    Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
    I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..
    I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
    Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
    To err is human, to moo bovine.
    For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
    Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
    How does Teflon stick to the pan?
    All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
    There's an exception to every rule, except this one.

  7. #67
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    ok last joke......

    [offensive Royal Family joke]

    the queen mum, having recently died, goes to heaven.
    there she sees Lady Diana...

    LD " hello you old bat, i thought i'd see you here soon !"
    QM "well i lived longer than you !! take that Merc off your face!!"





    QM "and what's with the halo, you weren't no angel!!"
    LD " thats not a halo, its a steering wheel!!"






    no offense, ma'am...rest in peace....
    Steve

  8. #68
    Registered User C_Coder's Avatar
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    heh heh
    they remind me of a similar joke

    what did dodi say to diana as they drove through the tunnel?
    Shall we go back to mine or do you want to crash here.
    All spelling mistakes, syntatical errors and stupid comments are intentional.

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