clean(ish) jokes

This is a discussion on clean(ish) jokes within the A Brief History of Cprogramming.com forums, part of the Community Boards category; well i liked it !!! ok see if you like this...its a bit old but u might not have heard ...

  1. #31
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    well i liked it !!!

    ok see if you like this...its a bit old but u might not have heard it..

    a very elegantly dressed middle aged lady walked into a tatoo shop in America and sat in the queue.
    the owner was surprised, she wasn't like his usual clientele.
    when it was her turn, he asked her what he could do for her.
    to his surprise she lifted her dress up and said
    "i want a tattoo of a turkey on my right thigh, and underneath it i want u to write the word Thanksgiving. On my left thigh i want a picture of a pine tree with tinsel & lights on, and underneath write the word Christmas "
    the owner was very surprised at this most unuisual request and asked her why on earth she wanted that doing.
    the lady turned to him and answered...

    "i'm f***ing sick of him complaining that theres nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas !!!"
    Steve

  2. #32
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    Originally posted by jdinger
    Stevey, that was just bad...

    You let me down, Bro! All the rest were riots.
    ok see if you like this ->

    a married couple had just woken up one morning. the wife said to her hubby "i had the strangest dream last night, i dreamt that willies were being auctioned. the big long ones sold for $100 and the thick ones went for $85"

    "oh" said her hubby, "and how much did ones like mine sell for???"

    "they gave those ones away" she replied.

    he was naturally annoyed by this so he turned to his wife....
    "i had a dream last night too. in my dream they auctioned pussy's...the pretty ones went for $1000, and the tight ones went for $1200 "

    the wife asked "and how much did ones like mine cost ??"

    the husband smirked and said.......
    "that is where they held the auction !!!!"
    Steve

  3. #33
    Used Registerer jdinger's Avatar
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    Stevey, my friend, you have redeemed yourself!

  4. #34
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    Originally posted by jdinger
    Stevey, my friend, you have redeemed yourself!
    the dirty ones are the funniest !!!!!
    Steve

  5. #35
    Used Registerer jdinger's Avatar
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    I'll tell you, Stevey, without your posts my work day would go much slower.

    Keep 'em coming!

  6. #36
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    3 old gits in a retirement home...

    the first one's whinging.....
    "ggggrrrr....every morning at about 5 o'clock i wake up wanting to take a ..........i stand there about 30 minutes and hardly anything comes...."

    the second one says.....
    "thats nothing.....every morning round about 6 o clock, i wake up wanting to take a crap, and i have to sit there groaning and pushing for ages to get a bowel motion going......"

    the third one says...
    "ha...you guys think you've got problems....every morning at about 7 o clock i ........ like a horse and crap like a pig!!"

    the other guys look at him and ask "what the hells wrong with that, thats good isn't it ????"

    he says...
    "no it isn't.....not when you don't wake up till 8 !!!"


    Steve

  7. #37
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    a young lad and his grandfather were sat in the garden together.
    they watched an earthworm crawl out of its hole and crawl along.
    the little boy said "grandpa...i bet i can get that worm back into its hole"

    "you won't be able to "said grandpa " its too limp and wriggly !, i'll bet you £5 you can't"

    the littleboy ran back inside and came out with a can of hairspray. he sprayed the worm till it was straight and stiff as a board, then slotted the worm back into the hole.
    grandpa watched this, and grinning gave the lad his £5, grabbed the hairspray and went back into the house.

    30 minutes later he came back out and gave £5 to the boy. the little boy, thinking his old grandpappy was forgetful said honestly..."its ok grandpa, you already gave me £5"

    "i know son " grandpa said " this is from your grandmother"

    Steve

  8. #38
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    Thats quite a collection you have Stevey, it must be time for me to post another great one


    A Girls Prayer


    Lord

    Before I lay me down to sleep,
    I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
    One who's handsome, smart and strong,
    One who's willy's thick and long.
    One who thinks before he speaks,
    When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.

    I pray that he is gainfully employed,
    When I spend his cash,won't be annoyed.
    Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
    Massages my back and begs to do more.

    Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
    Knows just what to say,when I ask "How big's my behind?"
    One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
    In the hall,the loo,the garden and kitchen!

    I pray that this man will love me no end,
    And never attempts to shag my best friend.
    And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
    I look at the wanker you sent me instead.

    Amen.


    A Boy's Prayer:

    Lord

    I pray for a lady with big tits.

  9. #39
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    that prayer is brilliant !!!!!

    myself i pray to meet a woman who would like to have sex more than 3/4 times a month !!

    anyway.....this may be over the line a bit !!.....

    an Alaskan man was driving down an Alaskan road in appalling weather conditions when his car broke down. he phoned the Alaskan break down service and a mechanic arrived. the mechanic took a look under the bonnet (hood), looks at him and said "it looks as if you've blown a seal "
    the guy replies offended "no i haven't, its just the frost on my moustache "

    he hee
    Steve

  10. #40
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    joke...

    a couple had just immigrated to canada the man did not know any english at all but his wife knew a very little. now he wanted to go out for a walk, so he asked his wife to tell him some wnglish words. his wife told him that if anyone asks him anything, just say "yes"
    he went for a walk. he came across a boxing champion. the champ asked him if he wanted to challenge him. he said yes and the champ knocked him out in one punch.

    he came home with a black eye and told his wife the whole story. his wife told him to never say "yes" again and that he should say "no" to everyone.
    a couple days later he went for a walk again. again he met the boxing champ. the champ asked him if he remebered the last punch and if he was scared of the champ. he said no. the champ yelled "this will remind you" and he knocked him out again.

    this time his wife told him to say "that's too bad" to everyone. the third time he went walking the champ was sitting on a bench and was looking very happy. the champ told him that he just had a baby boy. he said that's too bad, and the champ beat him up again...

    this time his wife told him to say "good for you". he went out for another walk and for the fourth time, he met the champ. the champ was sad and he told him that his mother suddenly died and he replied "good for you".

    you know the rest
    [pow]@$@$ [whack]$%$%@ [thud]

  11. #41
    Registered User Jet_Master's Avatar
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    Mr. Bush, dont be offended

    Due to an error in the time-space continuum, Einstien, Picasso and George Bush came to the gates of heaven at the same time.
    The Angel at the gates of heaven said,"I cannot let you in unless you prove that you are Einstein, Picasso and Bush. You have no idea how many people are trying to get in pretending to be you guys.

    Einstien said,"Can i have a chalk board and a piecce of chalk?". The Angel got the with a snap. Einstien did complex math problems and physics equations on the board. The Angel said,"You have proven yourself; you may enter."

    Next, Picasso said,"Can i use that board and chalk?" The Angel replied,"Go ahead, use it." Picasso did some great paintings on the chalk board and amazed the Angel. He let Picasso in.

    Next Bush came up. The Angel said,"Einstein and Picasso have proven themselves. How are you gonna prove that you are George Bush?" Puzled, Bush asked,"Who are Einstein and Picasso?" To this the Angel replied," Okay George, you have proven yourself"
    I am the Alpha and the Omega!!!

  12. #42
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    Egyptians don't be offended !!

    why are camels called "ships of the desert" ???

    because they are full of Egyptian semen

    Steve

  13. #43
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    crap (but good ) jokes ->

    Q whats the diff between a toad and a horny toad
    A one says "ribbit" the other says "rub it"

    Q why does a man's willy have a hole in it
    A so he can be open-minded

    Q how do you confuse an archaeologist
    A give them a tampon and ask what period it came from

    Q what does a virgin and a balloon have in common
    A one little prick and its all over

    Q whats the diff between a woman and a washing machine
    A you can bung your load in a washing m/c and it won't keep calling you

    Q whats an old woman got between her boobs that a young girl hasn't
    A a navel

    Q what does a bull do to keep warm
    A goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm Jersey

    Q whats got 100 balls and screws old ladies
    A bingo

    oh i'm off to bed.................................
    Steve

  14. #44
    ¡Amo fútbol!
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    jet master, the joke should have bush ask for a pretzel.

  15. #45
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    Originally posted by stevey
    Egyptians don't be offended !!

    why are camels called "ships of the desert" ???

    because they are full of Egyptian semen

    kinf of like the one" whats long, hard, and full of s****n. A submarine

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