clean(ish) jokes

This is a discussion on clean(ish) jokes within the A Brief History of Cprogramming.com forums, part of the Community Boards category; Originally posted by stevey ...i don't eat raw mouse !!! but you'd eat a cooked one right? Anyway I have ...

  1. #16
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    Originally posted by stevey

    ...i don't eat raw mouse !!!
    but you'd eat a cooked one right?

    Anyway I have been searching my hard drive again and this I what I found this time, its a shame they have to be clean-ish


    Questions and Answers in Court
    Compiled by a client of the Salt Lake City law firm of Johnson & Hatch, the
    following questions and answers from court were taken from official court
    records.


    Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
    A: No.
    Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
    A: Picking them up in the air.
    Q: Where was the dog at this time?
    A: Attached to the ears.

    Q: ...and what did he do then?
    A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
    Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

    Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
    instead of an attempted murder trial?
    A: The victim lived.

    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

    Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
    witness,
    isn't it. You, too, were shot in the fracas?
    A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

    Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
    A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

    Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
    A: Four times.

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

    Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: Before or after he died?

    Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.
    A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

    Right thats enough, I've got too many of them

  2. #17
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    you can never have too much of these type of things !!
    Steve

  3. #18
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    You pussys, mine was the only one that they censored.

  4. #19
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    Talking

    I hope nobody gets offended by the odd religious gag but I had to show you this one

    The New Priest
    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After
    mass
    he asked the monsignor how he had done.
    The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
    I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
    If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the
    monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he
    got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to
    his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and
    Spook.
    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
    9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was
    stoned off his ass.
    10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat
    it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
    12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
    13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
    peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


    I'm just reading some pregnancy jokes so you might get some of them later as well....

  5. #20
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    Two hundred year old twins were having their photo taken to mark the rare occurrence of their joint longevity.

    The photographer asked them to move a bit closer. "You'll have to speak up...", remarked one of the twins, "...we're almost deaf". The photographer shouts "MOVE CLOSER", and after some discussion the twins oblige.

    Realising that he needs to move closer to focus properly, the photographer mutters "I'm moving in to focus". One of the twins puts a hand to her ear and asks the photographer to repeat. The photographer does this , but is still unable to make himself understood to the deafer twin. Her sister tries to help out, "HE'S MOVING CLOSER TO FOCUS".

    "What, both of us?" replies her sister.

  6. #21
    Registered User Commander's Avatar
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    y do i have a feeling that this thread will be deleted after a few more posts just like the last "JOKE" thread...., I could be worng though cause noone has complained yet like last time about some of the 'content' of the thread
    oh i'm sorry! i didn;t realize my fist was rushing to meet ur face!

    MSN :: commander_android@hotmail.com []*[]

  7. #22
    Just one more wrong move. -KEN-'s Avatar
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    I might get that last one...But I'm not quite sure...

    is the deafer twin supposed to hear "He's moving closer to ........ us"?

    ...oh...and don't edit that out, mods...I'm getting a point across and I know that explaining a joke wouldn't offend anyone...

  8. #23
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    Yep, I suppose it depends on your accent as to how well it may translate.

  9. #24
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    back to the clean jokes...


    Questions and answers for parents: Everything you need to know about
    Childbirth

    Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
    A: No, 35 children is enough.

    Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
    A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

    Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
    A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

    Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
    A: Childbirth.

    Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
    A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

    Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
    borderline
    irrational.
    A: So what's your question?

    Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
    A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

    Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
    A: Whatever she says divided by two.

    Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
    pressure. Is she right?
    A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

    Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
    labor?
    A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

    Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
    A: Yes, pregnancy.

    Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal
    again?
    A: When the kids are in college.

  10. #25
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    2 joke threads ...i'm focusing spoilt for choice !



    a man with terrible headaches went to a doc.
    the doc said he had a very good painkiller, it was a slow release one and came as a suppository.
    the guy thought it was an odd way to administer a painkiller, but didn't argue.
    the doc said he would administer the treatment immediately, but he could continue the rest at home.
    he asked the guy to drop his pants and warned him it may hurt.
    he then proceeded to insert the suppository up the guys bottom.
    finally he gave the man a prescription for some more suppositories.
    the next day the guy asks his wife to help him insert the medicine, so she put one hand on his shoulder to stop him moving too much and with the other inserted the suppository..
    suddenly the man cried out....
    "OOHHH NOOOOO, OH MY GOD !!!!"
    "oh i'm so sorry sweetie" his wife said "i didn't mean to hurt you"

    "you didn't " he replied, "ive just realised something......when the doctor did that, he had both hands on my shoulders !!!!!"
    Steve

  11. #26
    monotonously living Dissata's Avatar
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    dirty!!!

    okay,

    Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
    "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
    ''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
    ''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
    ''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
    ''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
    ''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
    if a contradiction was contradicted would that contradition contradict the origional crontradiction?

  12. #27
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    I have lots of these, I'm sure you've seen some of them:


    These are stories from 'computer' help desks around the
    country.

    At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my
    annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new use of
    a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and
    was calling from a neighbour's. She had just received her first system
    error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning
    that the computer was going to blow up.

    --------------------------------------------
    Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop"

    Customer: "OK"

    Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

    Customer: "No"

    Tech Support: "Ok. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

    Customer: "No"

    Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
    point?"

    Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click." (At this
    point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support
    staff
    what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got
    back to the call.)

    Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

    Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

    ----------------------------------------------
    One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries
    on her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the
    manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2000 for this damn thing,
    and I'm not going to read the book."

    -----------------------------------------------
    Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting
    the same error massage."

    Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

    Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

    ------------------------------------------------
    Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

    Tech Support: "Tell me what you have done"

    Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'"

    Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me waht it says"

    Customer: "IT says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'"

    Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk"

    Customer: "What?"

    Tech Support: "Did you buy MS Word?"

    Customer: "No ...."

    ----------------------------------------------
    Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
    see the 'OK' button displayed?"

    Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

    ----------------------------------------------
    Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."

    Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"

    Customer: "I can't open th ebox"

    Tech Support:" Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go
    from there"

    Customer:"Uhhh....ok, thanks"

    -------------------------------------------

  13. #28
    Registered User Commander's Avatar
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    I don't want this tread to die!!!!!!

    it might be old, but i like it!


    Killed the Pig

    Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night
    when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his
    driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had
    happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
    car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
    clothes all ripped and torn. "What happend to you?" asked Bill. "Well, the
    Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old
    daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell
    them?" asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I
    just killed the pig."
    oh i'm sorry! i didn;t realize my fist was rushing to meet ur face!

    MSN :: commander_android@hotmail.com []*[]

  14. #29
    My diaper's full....... stevey's Avatar
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    true, cant have too many joke threads...........

    a blonde told her friend she was planning to go to the middle east on holiday.
    this surprised her friend..
    "what the hell do you want to go there for ???" her friend asked

    "well" she replied "i have just been reading an article in a magazine, apparently the favourite pastime for arabs on a saturday night is to sit beneath a palm tree eating their dates !! "

    Steve

  15. #30
    Used Registerer jdinger's Avatar
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    Stevey, that was just bad...

    You let me down, Bro! All the rest were riots.

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