damn.. jesus IS pinochio after all! i knew it all along!
damn.. jesus IS pinochio after all! i knew it all along!
>I was wondering whether i'd get away with that or not. You sick sick people.
Well if you were aware of it before you put it in the you are the one that is in need of help. We are only trained to recognise patterns.
a couple had just got married.
both the man and woman were absolutely stone deaf, and communicated in sign language.
on the wedding night they realised they needed a way to communicate to each other what they wanted in bed, because the woman was shy and tended to want the lights out.
the wife suggested they use simple signals, if her husband wanted sex, he was to squeeze her right breast once, if he wasn't bothered he should squeeze her left breast once.
the husband thought that was a good idea. he signed back to her..
"thats a great idea. OK, if you want to have sex with me, pull my willy once. but if you don't want to have sex, pull it 100 times !!!"
ppl would be a better term because there are some ladies in here incase u didn't notice :DQuote:
funny stuff man...
Man Who Loved Baked Beans
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Still waiting for your thread on sexism, hermit. ;)
Adam was hangin' out in the garden talking to God. Adam asked God.
"God...why did you make Eve so beautiful, curvey, and fun to look at?".
God replied "So you would love her." Adam thought about it and
inquired unto the Great One, "God...why did you make Eve so soft, warm,
cuddly and fun to touch?".
God replied "So you would love her Adam." Adam smiled sheepishly
and kicked the dirt. Then he asked God, "God...why did you make Eve
soooo daaaamn stooopid?".
God looked at Adam and said, "So she would love you."
This one is pretty popular, but at midnight this was all I could find.
There is always a creative (and permanent) solution to any problem:
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirrors, leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
What happened to all the cleanish jokes, did they all migrate over here or what?
here's one, it's old but i like it.....
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her
and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
That's absolutely nastly.Quote:
Originally posted by Hammer
An ugly bloke walks into his local pub, like a gazelle, with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke.
"You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I
noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of
course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
"I dunno, I never found her head."
But of course I did laugh. :(
Glad ya liked it! ;)Quote:
Originally posted by jdinger
That's absolutely nastly.
But of course I did laugh. :(
Anyways, here's another (not quite so sick this time!)
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and
began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,
" Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled
up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing
continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... smallcox?"
on his 54th birthday an accountant left his wife a letter which said
i am now 54 and i am leaving you. by the time you get this letter i'll be at the Grand Hotel with my sexy and beautiful secretary"
but when he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him at reception it read
well i too am also 54 years old. by the time you get this letter i will be at the Apple Tree Motel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. you are an accountant so i am sure you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54, many more times than 54 goes into 18 "
for the Ozzy friends...............
a tourist arrived in Australia and hired a car and set off for the outback. on his way he saw a man having sex with a sheep. he was totally shocked by this, and he pulled over at the nearest pub to have a drink to calm down....
he's sipping his drink when out of the corner of his eye he sees a guy with one leg furiously masterbating at the bar !!!!
"for gods sake " he shouts to the barman "what kind of a goddamn place is this ! ive been here 1 hour, and ive already seen a bloke shagging a sheep, now theres some man masterbating in the bar !!! jesus !!!"
"oh fair dinkum mate " the barman replies " you can't expect a bloke with one leg to catch a sheep !!"
Careful Stevie, never talk about a mans sheep like that.
You'll get us all excited....
i have to admit , some jokes were pretty funny. from a female point of view! a good laugh.
someone mentioned a post on sexism? nah.
It's quite funny to see how u MEN post! its good :)
but im fine with jokes on woman.
just dont discriminate women, coz they r human being too.
i find that the funniest jokes has to be on SEX. Oh well, sex is everything from advertising ----> comedy. SEX SELLS!
strange that i didn't read this topic until now. (thought it was just another anti-censorship thread). lol, that is some funny, but sexist stuff.
you're right. sex sells. (especially in the netherlands.) i wish i were having some right now... :D