Programming Puns

This is a discussion on Programming Puns within the A Brief History of Cprogramming.com forums, part of the Community Boards category; Cant remember where i got this from.... Real Programmers Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves lucky ...

  1. #31
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    Cant remember where i got this from....

    Real Programmers

    Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves
    lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.

    Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it
    should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.

    Real Programmers don't write application programs; they program right
    down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't
    do systems programming.

    Real Programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real programmers don't know
    how to SPELL quiche. They eat Twinkies, and Szechwan food.

    Real Programmers' programs never work right the first time. But if you
    throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a
    few" 30-hour debugging sessions.

    Real Programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around
    at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.

    Real Programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
    in BASIC, after the age of 12.

    Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't
    decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.

    Real Programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't
    read the listings or the object deck.

    Real Programmers only write specs for languages that might run on future
    hardware. Noboby trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
    will ever be able to fit on a single planet.

    Real Programmers spend 70\% of their work day fiddling around and then
    get more done in the other 30\% than a user could get done in a week.

    Real Programmers are surprised when the odometers in their cars don't
    turn from 99999 to 9999A.

    Real Programmers are concerned with the aesthetics of their craft; they
    will writhe in pain at shabby workmanship in a piece of code.

    Real Programmers think they know the answers to your problems, and will
    happily tell them to you rather than answer your questions.

    Real Programmers never program in COBOL, money is no object.

    Real Programmers don't think that they should get paid at all for their
    work, but they know that they're worth every penny that they do make.

    Real Programmers log in first thing in the morning, last thing before they
    go to sleep, and stay logged in for lots of time in between.

    Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are after all, the
    illerate's form of documentation.

    Real Programmers don't use Macs. Computers which draw cute little
    pictures are for wimps.

    Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is the
    hallmark of a novice and a coward.

    Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for gum chewing twits
    who maintain ancient payroll programs.

    Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy
    engineers who wear white socks. The get excited over finite state analysis
    and nuclear reactor simulations.

    Real Programmers don't write in Modula-2. Modula-2 is for insecure
    analretentives who can't choose between Pascal and COBOL.

    Real Programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be
    written on one line.

    Real Programmers don't write in Lisp. Only effeminate programmers use
    more parentheses than actual code.

    Real Programmers don't write in Pascal, Ada or any of those other pinko
    computer science languages. Strong variable typing is for people with
    weak memories.

    Real Programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was
    invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to think big.

    Real Programmers know every nuance of every instruction and use them
    all in every Real Program. Some candyass architectures won't allow
    EXECUTE instructions to address another EXECUTE instruction as the
    target instruction. Real Programmers despise petty restrictions.

    Real Programmers don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of
    course, they are the Chief Programmer.

    Real Programmers have no use for managers. Managers are sometimes
    a necessary evil. Managers are good for dealing with personnel bozos,
    bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.

    Real programmers ignore schedules.

    Real Programmers don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending
    machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they
    don't eat it.

    Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.

    Real Programmers use C since it's the easiest language to spell.

    Real Programmers don't use symbolic debuggers, who needs symbols.

    Real Programmers only curse at inanimate objects.
    "There's always another way"
    -lightatdawn (lightatdawn.cprogramming.com)

  2. #32
    B26354 Deckard's Avatar
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    Real Programmers also don't write "User Interfaces". Users have no business interfacing with the professional masterpieces they code. ;)
    Jason Deckard

  3. #33
    His posts are far and few Esparno's Avatar
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    We all know:
    C:\DOS\
    C:\DOS\RUN\
    RUN\DOS\RUN\

    well heres my version

    C:\DOS
    C;\DOS\RUN\
    Bad command or filename

    What went wrong!?
    Signature is optional, I didnt opt for one.

  4. #34
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    Originally posted by Esparno
    We all know:
    C:\DOS\
    C:\DOS\RUN\
    RUN\DOS\RUN\

    well heres my version

    C:\DOS
    C;\DOS\RUN\
    Bad command or filename

    What went wrong!?
    Erm...right.

  5. #35
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    Originally posted by Esparno
    We all know:
    C:\DOS\
    C:\DOS\RUN\
    RUN\DOS\RUN\

    well heres my version

    C:\DOS
    C;\DOS\RUN\
    Bad command or filename

    What went wrong!?
    It's C:\DOS\RUN\ (second line your version) and for my jokes:
    The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker

    10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

    9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

    8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

    7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

    6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

    5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

    4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

    3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

    2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

    1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

    Top ten signs you bought a bad computer

    10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.

    9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.

    8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.

    7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".

    6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.

    5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

    4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"

    3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"

    2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.

    1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

    You Might Be An Internet Addict If...

    You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
    Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
    Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
    You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
    You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
    Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
    You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
    Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
    All of your friends have an @ in their names.
    When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
    Your dog has its own home page.
    You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
    You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
    Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
    You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
    You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
    Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months
    You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
    You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
    You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
    Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
    You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
    You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
    The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
    You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
    Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
    As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
    (I fit everyone one of those)

    I'll stop there. I was looking for top ten reasons compilers are female and top ten reasons computers are male but couldn't find them

  6. #36
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    That was me. Forgot I cleared my cookies :-(

  7. #37
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    Im sorry but this is too good:
    Girlfriend 1.0 software

    Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

    Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

    Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:

    1. A "Don't remind me again" button.

    2. Minimize button.

    3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

    I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

    Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

    Bug warning
    Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
    "Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?"

  8. #38
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    I have way too much time on my hands :-)
    The Ten Commandments for C Programmers

    1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine.

    2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end.

    3. Thou shalt cast all function arguments to the expected type if they are not of that type already, even when thou art convinced that this is unnecessary, lest they take cruel vengeance upon thee when thou least expect it.

    4. If thy header files fail to declare the return types of thy library functions, thou shalt declare them thyself with the most meticulous care, lest grievous harm befall thy program.

    5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest ``foo'' someone someday shall type ``supercalifragilisticexpialidocious''.

    6. If a function be advertised to return an error code in the event of difficulties, thou shalt check for that code, yea, even though the checks triple the size of thy code and produce aches in thy typing fingers, for if thou thinkest ``it cannot happen to me'', the gods shall surely punish thee for thy arrogance.

    7. Thou shalt study thy libraries and strive not to re-invent them without cause, that thy code may be short and readable and thy days pleasant and productive.

    8. Thou shalt make thy program's purpose and structure clear to thy fellow man by using the One True Brace Style, even if thou likest it not, for thy creativity is better used in solving problems than in creating beautiful new impediments to understanding.

    9. Thy external identifiers shall be unique in the first six characters, though this harsh discipline be irksome and the years of its necessity stretch before thee seemingly without end, lest thou tear thy hair out and go mad on that fateful day when thou desirest to make thy program run on an old system.

    10. Thou shalt foreswear, renounce, and abjure the vile heresy which claimeth that ``All the world's a VAX'', and have no commerce with the benighted heathens who cling to this barbarous belief, that the days of thy program may be long even though the days of thy current machine be short.
    "Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?"

  9. #39
    Just one more wrong move. -KEN-'s Avatar
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    >>Real Programmers only curse at inanimate objects.



    Well, I curse at people, too...but the amount of times I've cursed at my computer is probably double.

  10. #40
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    >Real Programmers use C since it's the easiest language to spell.

    Maybe, but Real Men use FORTRAN.

  11. #41
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    Top Ten Signs That You Are An Internet Geek
    10
    When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
    9
    You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
    8
    Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends email.
    7
    You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
    6
    You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
    5
    You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
    4
    You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
    3
    At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
    2
    After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"


    ..And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

    1
    Two Words: "Pizza's Here!".


    And the evolution of a programmer. http://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/evolution.html

    Pens.
    Last edited by Pendragon; 03-23-2002 at 09:02 AM.

  12. #42
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    Exclamation

    Its frightening how many of these are actually true!

  13. #43
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    Top Ten reasons that COMPUTERS are Male:

    10. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

    9. A better model is always just around the corner.

    8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

    7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

    6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

    5. The best part of having one is the games you can play.

    4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

    3. The lights are on, but nobody's home.

    2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

    .....and the number one reason that computers are male.......

    1. Size does matter





    Top Ten reasons that PROGRAM COMPILERS are Female:

    10. Picky, Picky, Picky.

    9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

    8. Beauty is only shell deep.

    7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "Nothing".

    6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.

    5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.

    4. Smalltalk is important.

    3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.

    2. They make you take the garbage out.

    ....and the number one reason that compilers are Female....

    1. Miss a period and they go wild.

    Last edited by Pendragon; 03-23-2002 at 02:51 PM.

  14. #44
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    THATS what I was looking for!!!! Where did you get that Pendragon?
    "Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?"

  15. #45
    Meow Pendragon's Avatar
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    I've found it in a few different places:

    http://jupiter.spaceports.com/~humour/jokes-top10.html
    http://www.steveandarlyn.com/cphumor.html
    http://www.uselessfacts.net/humour/

    A search engine would have come up with roughly 900 sites for this joke.

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