Thread: HowTo (give your cat a pill)

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

>>3/10

you're too kind.

Originally posted by axon
>>3/10

you're too kind.

Yep! I'd give it 10^-3.

You left out the ending that makes the joke:

How to Give Your Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.

Originally posted by Dave_Sinkula
You left out the ending that makes the joke:

How to Give Your Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.

My dog doesnt like bacon.

Put it in steak or some tuna or cheese, then wow. Its gone. Best training aid ever is cheese.

Oh rambling-sorry. I know you were finishing the joke.

I found it rather amusing. I think you have to have tried giving a cat a pill before you'll find this quite so funny. Its so very very accurate.

Stupid cats, they're going to take over the world; just like killer bees. Yes Killer Bees!

Take out that old cannon and blast that hairball to smitherines!

Or better - try flushing your cat down that drain in the kitchen with an in-sink-erator, what ever that is (just read that at the bottom of my sink), its that thing that chops your food so it go down the drain!

Oh yeh, the joke... 2/10

Or better - try flushing your cat down that drain in the kitchen with an in-sink-erator, what ever that is (just read that at the bottom of my sink), its that thing that chops your food so it go down the drain!

You mean the garbage disposal? In-Sink-Erator is a specific brand of garbage disposal I think.

Originally posted by hk_mp5kpdw
You mean the garbage disposal? In-Sink-Erator is a specific brand of garbage disposal I think.

No, it's that thing that chops your food so that your drain in the kitchen doesn't get all cloged up!

It comes standard in all american homes, unless you may be living in 3rd world country you might not even know what a sink looks like, just a big river or a pudle of water! - I don't actually think you are from 3rd world country hk_mp5kpdw, so don't take it offensive!

No, it's that thing that chops your food so that your drain in the kitchen doesn't get all cloged up!

It comes standard in all american homes, unless you may be living in 3rd world country you might not even know what a sink looks like, just a big river or a pudle of water! - I don't actually think you are from 3rd world country hk_mp5kpdw, so don't take it offensive!

No offense taken. I live in the USA, state of Virginia... originally from the Southern California area. All my life every one I know around me has called those things garbage disposals or garbage disposal units. Maybe people elsewhere call them different things but that's what I know them as.

Dictionary.Com reference to garbage disposal.

1 entry found for garbage disposal.
garbage disposal

n : a kitchen appliance for disposing of garbage [syn: disposal, electric pig]

This is better, not a lot better but still better

HOW TO BATHE A CAT!!!!!!!!
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet; cat is enjoying this.)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, Which is quite effective. Cat is too big to go anywhere.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, Where he will air dry. Cat will return when hungry.

Sincerely,

The dog