the joke thread got deleted again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jet_Master]

Fire!!!
-------
A woman frantically calls the fire department to report
a fire in the neighborhood.

The dispatcher asks, "Well, lady how do we get there?"

Confused she replies, "Don't you still have those little
red fire trucks?"

[Jet_Master]

Bin in Disguise

Osama's Latest Disguise

[Commander]

Go here

[stevey]

old and offensive joke....

what do you call a guy with no legs and no arms, in a swimming pool ???

Bob

[Jet_Master]

NOTE: Please take no offense, this is a "blonde joke". i did not make this up... so dont blame me.

a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead go to a magic store. there they see a magic mirror. the way this mirror works is: if you look into it and say,"i think...". if it is reasonable, the mirror will grant you the wish. but if it is impossible, you will disappear and get trapped somewhere for eternity.

the brunette looks and says,"i think i am the most beautiful woman in the world." --- She disappears.

the redhead looks and says,"i think i am the smartest woman in the world." --- She disappears.

the blonde looks and says," i think..." --- she disappears.

again... no offense

[Aran]

that's a good joke.. i'll think of repeating that to my uncle who is a joke connoseiur.

[Dalren]

The previous golf joke reminded me of this one.

Matt and Bob were out playing golf one day and unfortunatly they were stuck behind two women moving at a terribly slow pace. After a while Matt got tired of being stuck behind these women and decided to ask them if he and Bob could play through. Matt gets close but then turns around and walks back to Bob. When he gets back he tells Bob, "[Explitive Deleted], one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress, why dont you go ask them instead." So Bob decids to go and ask them. When Bob gets up to them he quickly turns around and walks back. When he gets within earshot of Matt he says, "man, its a small world"

[Commander]

LOL!!!

here's one......Diff topic though!

The Great Debate

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews
had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from
the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a
member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, they could stay.
If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a
middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for
one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither
side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat
opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his
hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and
raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around
his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope
pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an
apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too
good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him
what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there was still one God common to both our
religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and
showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins.
He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an
answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.

"What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had
three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was
leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared
of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took
out mine."

[Commander]

"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\
prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind.
Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a
hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her
monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power
indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."

[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have
accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her
hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of
monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on
it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."

[muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

[clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle --it's
because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]

"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]

[Shadow]

> "Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]
ROFL. Good one.

[Commander]

V.I.P

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They
arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend
the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly
vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like
everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of
gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets
what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and
the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming
pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a
Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine
and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error
has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has
there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he
gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm
getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes
here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

[Commander]

Winston Churchill .... The Great War Leader With The Great Comebacks!

Winston Churchill was a quite a character. Here, for your
enjoyment, is a bit of a description of him:

(1) Seeing how rude Churchill was to his wife (and everyone
else), a lady once told him, "Winston, if I was your wife, I
would poison your tea." Churchill replied, "And madame, if I was
your husband, I would drink it." Ouch.

(2) At a dinner a party, a (different) lady thought Churchil had
had a bit too much to drink, and told him so: "Winston, you are
drunk." Churchill's answer: "And madame, you are ugly. The
difference is, in the morning, I will be sober." Ouch Ouch.

(3 and final) The famous playwright George Bernard Shaw, once
wrote a letter to Churchill along these lines: "...I would be
delighted if you could attend the first performance of my new
play...You may bring a friend, if you have one." Churchill was
not going to take that sitting down; his reply: "I apologize
that I cannot attend the first performance of your play, but I
will be happy to attend the second performance, if you have one."

[stevey]

i kew winston was a genius !!!!

old joke

a very old guy is in hospital, and his wife is visiting....
the doc said "sir, we will be needing a urine sample, faeces sample and a blood sample"
the old git, who was very hard of hearing said "what !!!"
the doc repeated himself. but tjhe old codger still couldn't hear, so the doc shouted "WE WANT A URINE SAMPLE, A FAECES SAMPLE AND A BLOOD SAMPLE"
the old duffer was still looking confused, so his wife turned to him and shouted "HE SAID HE NEEDS A PAIR OF YOUR UNDERPANTS !!!"

[stevey]

a doctor was complaining to his new colleague about an incompetant nurse...
he said "nurse sarah is completely mixed up, she does the opposite of what i tell her !!!! last week i told her to give a patient 4mg of morphine every 10 hours. she gave him 10mg every 4 hours and nearly killed him. and only yesterday i told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours and she gave the poor guy 24 enemas in an hour !!!"

"OH MY GOD !!!! " said the 2nd doctor, and set off running to the ward.
"whats up ??" the first doctor shouted after him

the 2nd doc shouted over his shoulder "ive just told nurse sarah to prick mr smith's boil !!!"

[Commander]

Tragedy


Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the
students if anyone can give him an example of a "TRAGEDY". One
little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend who lives
next door was playing in the street when a car came along and
killed him, that would be a TRAGEDY." "No," Clinton says, "That
would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a
TRAGEDY." I'm afraid not," explains Clinton. "That is what we
would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is silent; none of the other
children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one
here who can give me an example of a TRAGEDY?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he
speaks: "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton were
blown up by a bomb, that would be a TRAGEDY." "Wonderful!"
Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be
a TRAGEDY?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT, and
it certainly would be no GREAT LOSS!"